Archive | General crap TV RSS feed for this section

Eastenders’ Billy Mitchell to ‘crack America’?

22 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Billy Mitchell, star of never ending soap Eastenders, will be jetted off to the USA later this year, hoping to bring his cherished antics to a new stateside audience.

The Londoner, 54, shot to fame when he first appeared in the British TV programme in 2009, struggling to hold down employment and relationships as part of the long-suffering Mitchell clan. Within months, his popularity had skyrocketted, allowing him the enviable status of being in the main Christmas storylines.

His next venture will be a documentary-style twenty part series called Billy in Beverly Hills. It will depict the cockney in a West Ham football shirt travelling the bars and clubs, failing to impress women.

He will also look for cleaning jobs in restaurants and garages, all the while struggling to win over bosses with his poor examples of organisation and customer service gained from experience selling fruit and veg on Ian Beale’s market stall.

Producer Richard Wilkes thinks the show will be a roaring success.

He said: ‘Billy Mitchell is a ratings winner. His antics have gripped British soap fans for years.’

‘Will he or won’t he succeed in his current minimum wage job? And will this lady put up with him in a sexual capacity for more than three months? And will Phil Mitchell ever accept him as the top beta male of his clan? These are the questions that keep millions of people tuned in week on week.’

‘He will definitely capture a global audience, no question about it. In fact, I’m surprised we didn’t think of doing this sooner.’

Billy in Beverly Hills will make its HBO debut later this summer.

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

11 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

Does my coat look pink in this? Pat Butcher steps out for some lunch in Walford

11 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pat Butcher of Eastenders fame caught onlookers by surprise earlier this week as she stepped out for a Big Mac and chips during the filming of one of her Christmas death scenes.

Mrs Butcher, 88, looked devine in a bright pink trench coat, complete with synthetic fur collar and Christmas tree ear-rings. She had opted for a more under-stated make-up, displaying only three layers of foundation and a lighter tint to the usual dark blue eye shadow.

Trend setter: Pat demonstrates her own unique style

The pensioner, who has made love to nearly all males in Albert Square over 65, will leave the long-running soap opera this Christmas, when she will be riddled with machine gun bullets following a gangland slaying over unwashed pants at the laundrette.

Producers have let slip that it will be ‘like the end of Bonnie and Clyde, without Clyde and with a very overweight and old Bonnie’. The scenes, to be filmed later this week, will use several dozen squibs, the most ever used in the show’s history.

A pair of Pat’s earrings from 1993 recently fetched a staggering £13.86 on eBay, which solidified her status as one of the BBC’s most cherished stars.

A spokesperson for Pat has said she will live out the rest of her years in quiet retirement, alongside ‘eating more chips than anyone thought humanly possible’.

Pop Peelings wishes Pat the very best for the future.

Gordon Ramsey Set To Visit ALL Berkshire KFC Outlets In New TV Show

6 Jun

By Slick Nick

Can it be that the most aggressive apron-wearing alpha male on our TV screens is getting a little homesick? With Gordon Ramsey’s latest planned vehicle set to encompass the finest local cuisines in the UK, it would certainly appear so.

Having seen the cook travel to the furthest corners of the world to eat some of the most mindfuckingly disgusting things imaginable, it will come as a surprise to see him take on the menus in every KFC restaurant located in the Berkshire area of southern England as part of a brand new television show.

'Bitch be cool!': Ramsey displays his exemplary managerial techniques under pressure

The ambitious 10-part series will see Ramsey, 67, visit the fast-food outlets in such obscure locations as Slough, Datchet and Maidenhead, with one particularly tense episode showing the production team struggling to find a parking space in Reading town center.

The wrinkled chef will take part in preparing the contents of Bargain Buckets before giving his expert opinion on the food. The highest mark available is the patented ‘fucking delicious’ grade; as close to perfection as steroid-heavy meat and connective tissue can get. The star has also volunteered to live in similarly sparse conditions to his recent globe-trotting experiences. These ‘Holiday Inn hotels‘ as natives refer to them do not, in many cases, even provide power showers or widescreen televisions for guests.

Moderation: A Bracknell chicken enthusiast finishes another life-threatening meal

Producers at Channel 4 are hoping the show, yet to be titled, will be as popular as Ramsey’s other vehicles.

Richard Wilkes, Senior Vice President of Programming at the station, said: ‘There are only so many times you can show a failed footballer eating dogshit sandwiches in extremely hot countries before audiences quite literally switch off. We think bringing the concept back to the UK will be of great interest to the public.’

‘Don’t assume all recipes are the same in each restaurant either. The difference in salt and hair found in some of the western Berkshire outlets gives their meals a quaint, charming local flavour.’

Gordon Ramsey’s latest book, ‘How To Fucking Cook A Fucking Good Meal’, is out now and available from all good bed & breakfast reception areas.

RELIEF: ‘suspicious package’ sent to Jason Gardiner turns out to be forgotten Coleen Nolan biography from eBay

16 May

By Slick Nick

After days of intense speculation, a suspicious package sent to the home of Celebrity Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner has turned out to be a forgotten eBay win.

The homosexual, 61, playing the role of ‘arsehole’ on the show which apparently gives celebrity status to any no-mark that’s happened to thumb through a copy of Heat magazine, had come to the conclusion that the parcel contained a bomb.

He said: ‘I am dislikable and relevant enough to have threats on my life. Honestly.’

Flatcaps maketh the man?

The parcel arrived this past Thursday at Gardiner’s home address via recorded delivery, after which the police, MI5 and the FBI were alerted to the events. These organisations repordly then told The ITV star to ‘stop wasting their fucking time.’

Thankfully, the parcel only contained the slightly less life-threatening hardback book detailing the highs and mostly lows of tedious daytime TV queen Coleen Nolan. The 984-page biography was won in an eBay auction three weeks prior to the delivery, from a seller with only six previous transactions. The inexperience of such an individual led Gardiner to incorrectly suspect that the item would never actually arrive.

Popular: 99 used copies available on Amazon for £0.01

He continued: ‘I am so happy to have been proven wrong.’

‘Not only has my body not been decimated by an explosive device, but now I have an excellent book to read at bedtime. As a bonus, the package also contained enough bubble-wrap to keep me entertained for days on end.’

Gardiner’s management went on to confirm that the expert in telling people how shit they are at ice skating is now in two minds on whether or not to write a positive review for eBay member Anakin_8353, such was the delay in delivery.

Jason Gardiner’s instructional ice skating DVD will be available from all good Chinese take-aways in early June.

Charity shops bracing themselves for rumoured Vanilla Ice comeback album

6 Mar

By Slick Nick

Senior management in charity shops across the nation are rumoured to be in the process of planning for a suspected Vanilla Ice comeback album. The crisis talks commenced on Monday 28th February.

The Eminem blueprint, 49, was recently given the boot from godawful ITV show Dancing on Ice after many years out of the spotlight. It is thought that Mr Ice will use his newfound fame to leverage a one album deal from a record label with extremely low standards. Pictured below in his 70s heyday, he is thought by insiders to be extremely keen to enjoy a regular income stream again, rather than relying on occasional gardening jobs in the Beverly Hills area.

Richard Wilkes, 50, Senior Vice President of Shelf Planning at the Barnardos group, has been working around the clock with a team of advisors to anticipate when the release of this album may be in order to make sure adequate space is available in stores for future donations.

He said: ‘When a sad old pop star is dusted off for a current reality TV show, it is always a concern and can put a great deal of pressure on our staff if a new album does get released. They will usually be crap novelty gifts that cannot even be re-sold on eBay, so people use charity shops to offload them by the ton.’

‘We’re not getting caught out again like we were with the last Peter Andre release. We’ll be moving the Russell Brand books, Dr Who videos, puzzles and Joe McElderry singles well in advance of any Vanilla Ice recording contract being signed.’

Vanilla Ice’s album will likely be released on compact disc and be availabile from all participating Little Chef restaurants

Kara Tointon is strictly underwhelmed by new Tron IMAX experience

29 Dec

By Slick Nick

Strictly Come Dancing winner Kara Tointon dismayed executives at Disney by declaring their latest motion picture TRON: Legacy ‘a bit rubbish’ after experiencing a full IMAX viewing of the film at a local branch of Odeon.

Illiterate Kara, 33, saw the movie with her mum and her mum’s friend, who one day may be her stepfather, on Boxing Day.

She said: ‘This is another example of Hollywood puting style over substance. It looked quite good but the effect wears off after about ten minutes.’

‘I just wasn’t emotionally invested in the story or characters. Plus I didn’t really understand it.’

Kara, who came first in a pole conducted on male Eastenders viewers in 2007 which asked them who in Albert Square they’d most likely masturbate over, has vowed to thoroughly investigate the next film she is considering seeing at the cinema.

‘If it doesn’t have at least a 60% average on Rotten Tomatoes, I’ll just wait for the VHS release.’

Kara’s autobiography ‘Boobs Instead Of Books’ has seen its release date pushed back to mid 2011 whilst she learns to write first.

%d bloggers like this: