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NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

OK! magazine wins exclusive picture rights to Kerry Katona’s marriage to frying pan

19 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

After days of intense speculation, OK! Magazine has won exclusivity on the publishing of photographs taken at the forthcoming wedding between Big Brother reject Kerry Katona, 38, and a frying pan. The 128-page issue, set to comprise only the wedding photos and a page of coupons and crossword puzzles, will go on sale in mid November following the lavish ceremony at Chorley Civic Centre.

Journalists have struggled to keep up with the events of the whirlwind romance between Katona and the cooking item bought for her as a gift following her humiliatingly early exit from the Big Brother house earlier this year. An unnamed friend, who first met Katona at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in March, bought her the frying pan ‘to help make her favourite foods for curing hangovers’.

Since then the couple grew close and were spotted at various celebrity hangouts such as the Bradford Bacteria Grill restaurant and bar, apparently lured in by a ‘buy 2 buckets of chips and get a free crate of lager’ special offer. Within days, a wedding proposal from Katona followed.

‘The best men get snapped up so quickly,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t going to let the frying pan of my dreams get away from me.’

Bride to be: But will this marriage last more than a few months?

Some commentators have voiced concern for the frying pan, claiming that the instant new found fame will be too much for the cooking utensil to handle. These fears come as Katona is about to complete her fourth interview with the Bradford Evening Gazette. It hasn’t dulled the couple’s sex life however, which has been described by Katona as ‘right on the money’.

The alcoholic ex-popstar believes that the marriage will last forever, with the frying pan showing a great deal of love for Katona. It has reportedly encouraged her to significantly cut down her cigarette habit to 40 a day.

Now the whole nation will get to own the memories of Katona’s special day. In a deal worth dozens of pounds, OK! Magazine will publish the Katona wedding issue, devoting half of it to the Atomic Kitten’s family and friends, and the other half to the pots, pans, cutlery and utensils that will make up the frying pan’s guests.

ITV2 are rumoured to be in talks to televise the event, which would make it the first wedding in the north of England to be captured on film of any kind.

Only time will tell as to whether this is the real thing or if Katona is using the occasion to cling desperately to the eyelashes of the public eye.

Groom: The pan that captured the heart of a Katona

‘She’s delighted’: Kerry Katona finally confirmed as the new face of White Lightning cider

5 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

For some lucky individuals it seems, five minutes of fame can sometimes extend to six, for Kerry Katona, star of reality TV shows of virtually zero substance, has landed what many close to her believe to be the chance of a lifetime. The 43 year old has been chosen from the UK’s 5 million alcoholics to be the new ‘face’ of super strength cider White Lightning.

The 7.5% proof drink, which is occasionally referred to as ‘tramp juice’, is set for a multi-million pound re-launch by brewer’s Heineken. The marketing campaign will encompass TV and print media, as well as a concise social networking strategy in order to tempt back the school children and unemployed who made up the cider’s core market during its 90s heyday.

Miss Katona, whose fuck partnership with a Westlife mannequin ended some years ago, will travel the UK in November visiting schools, churches and shopping centers this year to raise awareness of the drink’s light, refreshing apple flavour and lethal alcohol levels. She will be paid an impressive £11.54 a day for her efforts as well as expenses up to and including a maximum of £4.00.

Unwinding: White Lightning is perfect for relaxing with friends after a hard week at the office

Senior Vice President of Marketing at the Heineken group, Richard Wilkes, is looking forward to a month-long partnership with the chain-smoking Katona.

He said: ‘Out product is all about getting very drunk in as short a timescale as possible.’

‘We feel Miss Katona represents perfectly what our brand is about and she will feel proud to have her face next to a huge bottle of White Lightning on billboards around the country.’

After several years of struggling to earn a living from selling cigarettes to neighbours, Katona appears to have fallen on her feet. Having beaten such fierce competition, including alcoholics from the east end of Glasgow, to star in a nationwide advertising campaign, the ex-Atomic Kitten will be celebrating in the time-honoured Katona family way – by drinking enough alcohol to endanger the life of a fully grown African bull elephant.

Heineken are keen to nurture their new relationship with the star, offering her a year’s supply of 2 litre White Lightning bottles. These 1262 drinks will be stored in a warehouse in Rotherham with 24 hour security.

Where the magic's made: The Heineken plant in Reading allows a more personal manufacturing touch to every bottle of White Lightning

Brave Peter Andre Emerges 1 Week After Humiliating ‘Deal Or No Deal’ Pub Game Defeat

27 Jun

By Slick Nick

This is the moment ITV2 legend Peter Andre emerged after a week in isolation following a particularly humiliating defeat at the hands of a pub quiz machine.

The device, which has the option of twelve different gaming franchises, was used in a Croydon branch of Yate’s on a  Thursday night in June.

Andre, 37, was out for a quiet night with an accomplice, who witnessed the events first hand.

The unnamed Swede, who did not wish to be named, advised Andre against choosing the ‘Deal O No Deal’ game in particular due to its reputation for having a particularly unforgiving difficulty level. However, the star, whose ‘Next Chapter’ TV series regularly pulls in dozens of viewers each week, remained defiant, apparently smirking as he touched Noel Edmonds’ pixelated image before him to select the game.

What followed next was a three minute ordeal, as Andre struggled to answer several questions correctly in order to make the most of the 50p price of the game itself.

Where everybody knows your name: Yate's pub where the incident took place

Witness accounts differ in how the game came to its tragic conclusion. One source claimed the question that finished Andre off was on King Henry VIII, whilst another suggested that the singer had given up by this point, hanging his head in shame and not even looking at the screen itself. He then ran towards the pub exit screaming ‘why is my life falling apart before my eyes’ and disappeared into the night, stunning onlookers.

Emerging after a week from a mystery location, Andre looked dishevelled and withdrawn, but otherwise normal, as he made his way to ITV2 HQ to enter talks on making a four part mini series dramatising the night’s events in their entirity.

Through a spokesperson, Andre has declared that he will never again enter the pub or any other in the Yate’s chain for fear of encountering similar gaming devices again. He intends to put the incident behind him and move on with his life.

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

Peter Andre forced to use alternative tanning salon as preferred one closes down

26 Dec

By Slick Nick

Peter Andre, bread and butter for countless ITV2 executives, finally confessed to topping up his tan at a different establishment to the preferred one near his house which has had to close down.

The general nice guy, who hasn’t done anything worth mentioning in years, is thought to now use sunbeds in the back room of the Short ‘n Curlies hairdressers a couple of hundred yards further down the road.

Andre commented: ‘It’s a slight inconvenience now, plus there’s always this Polish couple that get in first, meaning I have to wait in the car outside.’

‘Actually, they warm the sunbeds up which means I don’t need to buy as many minutes. Every cloud.’

Andre, who has slowly risen to fame and fortune through a combination of terrible music, terrible TV shows and a terrible marriage, would often venture out on a Sunday morning to the nearby Rayz And Sprayz for nine minutes in a lay-down sunbed, thought to be more powerful than the stand-up bed which would sometimes be used during periods of peak activity.

The singer now looks back fondly on those days.

He said: ‘We’d have some laughs in there, usually when I told the receptionists how many units my latest single or book or whatever had sold.’

‘But these are difficult times we’re living in. Now the recession has started to affect regular multi-millionairs like me. I think I’ll co-write a song about it.’

Peter Andre’s new self-help guide ‘How To Make A Mint From Someone Else’s Boobs’ is out now and available on the QVC channel.

Too much alcohol causes mild hangover for Kerry Katona

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

This morning, reality TV royal Kerry Katona was suffering a mild hangover following a night of drinking alcohol.

The divorcee had consumed one bottle of wine and two bottles of WKD on a night some insiders claim to be ‘unremarkable.’

She said: ‘I forgot to drink water before going to bed. It was a rookie mistake which I am ashamed of.’

The hangover, likely caused by a loss of water and potassium, is not something Ms Katona is a stranger to.

‘My mum used to make her own Moonshine in a neighbour’s garden when we were kids. Drinking this saved us a load of money, and helped me confront bullies in school with a more confident swagger.’

‘I am just relieved I stopped at two WKDs. Anymore and I might have felt a bit rough all the way up to 11am!’

Kerry Katona’s book ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Cheap Frozen Appetisers’ is available now from all good motorway service stations.

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