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Does my coat look pink in this? Pat Butcher steps out for some lunch in Walford

11 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pat Butcher of Eastenders fame caught onlookers by surprise earlier this week as she stepped out for a Big Mac and chips during the filming of one of her Christmas death scenes.

Mrs Butcher, 88, looked devine in a bright pink trench coat, complete with synthetic fur collar and Christmas tree ear-rings. She had opted for a more under-stated make-up, displaying only three layers of foundation and a lighter tint to the usual dark blue eye shadow.

Trend setter: Pat demonstrates her own unique style

The pensioner, who has made love to nearly all males in Albert Square over 65, will leave the long-running soap opera this Christmas, when she will be riddled with machine gun bullets following a gangland slaying over unwashed pants at the laundrette.

Producers have let slip that it will be ‘like the end of Bonnie and Clyde, without Clyde and with a very overweight and old Bonnie’. The scenes, to be filmed later this week, will use several dozen squibs, the most ever used in the show’s history.

A pair of Pat’s earrings from 1993 recently fetched a staggering £13.86 on eBay, which solidified her status as one of the BBC’s most cherished stars.

A spokesperson for Pat has said she will live out the rest of her years in quiet retirement, alongside ‘eating more chips than anyone thought humanly possible’.

Pop Peelings wishes Pat the very best for the future.

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Cheryl Cole’s knuckles ‘98% recovered’ from racist beating

28 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

The recovery process has been a long one, but finally after so many years it seems Cheryl Cole is set to make a full recovery from the night her left fist was used to beat a poverty-stricken nightclub toilet attendant senseless in January 2003.

The incident, which took place at Guildford’s Finger Bang Cobanna, left Mrs Cole barely able to hold a hairbrush properly, let alone a microphone.

The altercation occurred after Sophie Amogbokpa, who was three hours into her shift in the ground floor ladies toilets, took objection to wealthy pop stars taking her merchandise of perfume and lolipops without paying. A defiant Cheryl, tanked up on champagne and brown ale, made a stand with an impressive left hook to the struggling law student’s skull.

The impact left the Girls Aloud star with hairline fractures to her knuckles, and severe bruising for several months.

Injured: Cheryl nurses the fist on 12th Jan 2003 that nearly shattered Miss Amogbokpa's eye socket

An unnamed witness at the time said: ‘I’m so glad Cheryl’s record company was able to put her through so many dance and gym sessions, otherwise she may not have had the physical strength needed to defend herself against someone who was probably born into war and poverty and was simply trying to earn money to pay for her education.’

Mrs Cole, who at the time labelled her opponent a ‘black b*tch’, was convicted of ABH and ordered to serve a sentence of not buying a new handbag for thirty days.

She was also ordered to pay £0.55 for the lollipop that started the argument in the first place.

A spokesman for Mrs Cole said: ‘Cheryl has been under strict doctor’s orders now to not use her fist to physically assault any more black females.’

‘She has been through an ordeal but will soon be able to breakdance again.’

Pop Peelings wishes Cheryl a full recovery.

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

NON EXCLUSIVE! Rejected Nicole Scherzinger sex song titles uncovered

8 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop music fans were left appalled last night at the rejected ideas for Nicole Scherzinger songs, revealed by an ex-employee of her management company.

The 43-year old temptress portrays a risque image at the best of times, but these sexually explicit concepts are thought to push the boundaires even for her.

Titles such as ‘I am Here To Be F****d’, ‘Begging For Manmeat’, ‘Ten Things I Want To Do With Your D**k’ and ‘Play With My P****’ were proposed for her debut album ‘Killer Love’ which was released earlier in the year to largely indifferent reviews.

Filth: Half naked snaps increase record sales

The song titles were uncovered when ex-associate Richard Wilkes, 50, forwarded emails from the time of the album’s recording to news editors around the world.

Wilkes was asked to leave the independent music management company Pop Sluts Inc. in April this year after failing to provide enough baby oil for one of Miss Scherzinger’s video shoots.

He said: ‘When I saw these depraved ideas, I thought it was some kind of joke.’

‘Then I saw the look in Nicole’s heavily made-up eyes, a look of sheer lustful hunger; I knew she was deadly serious.’

So how does he feel about the turn of events?

‘It’s a shame we’re no longer working alongside each other but frankly, with the money I’ve earned cashing in on my story, I won’t need paid employment for at least another 14 months.’

Nicole Scherzinger’s latest video can be found playing in most teenage boys’ rooms to accompany their masturbation sessions.

Katie Price seeks low quality sperm from donorship to avoid relationship hassle

20 Mar

By Slick Nick

After another disasterous relationship, model Katie Price has decided she has had enough of men for good… almost.

The 48 year old pair of tits has registered at an exclusive sperm bank in London’s West End in order to choose a low quality suitor without needing to go through the rigmarole of a heavily-publicised relationship. The story came to revelation after a special appearance on the BBC’s Panorama, pictured below, in which Price gave an exclusive 3-hour interview.

The bread-and-butter of Heat magazine’s editors has decided that enough is enough.

She said: ‘I am sick of sadsack types using me for one thing – furthering their own pathetic careers and making a small fortune along the way.’

‘I will be able to use the DNA of anonymous under-achievers without having to share a bathroom with them for eight months. I’m looking for donations from under-educated men in their thirties that haven’t done particularly well in their working lives.’

‘If they don’t have anything interesting to say either, then that’s a bonus.’

Recent squeeze Alex Reid struggled in his career as a cage fighter, losing approximately 638 bouts by knock-out in the space of 16 months. Before him, ex-husband singer/song-writer Peter Andre was entered into the Guinness Book of Records as having released some of the worst albums since mankind learnt to walk upright.

Proprietor of the Tadpoles 4 U semen donation center Richard Wilkes, 50, hopes that Miss Price’s association with the company will generate some extra funds.

He said: ‘Hopefully we’ll be able to invest in some better wank DVDs, starring Tera Patrick and Shy Love. The ones I get from the local newsagent are pretty ropey, and don’t have nearly the production values of a Vivid  Pictures release.’

 

The latest photograph of Miss Price’s teets can be found somewhere in any newsagent’s in the world ever.

 

World Exclusive: Katie Price wears beachwear on beach

27 Dec

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that model Katie Price does wear beachwear whilst on holiday at the beach.

The tanned monstrosity, 43, was seen earlier this summer at an exclusive Butlins holiday park in the south east of England.

Favoured by low income families and ‘ironic’ student types, Butlins has received very little press lately as most sunseekers now favour exotic locales such as Ianapa and Falaraki at which to get drunk in and exchange bodily fluids. However, holidaymakers in Bognor Regis got more than expected one chilly morning in August.

Boobed Price arrived wearing a blue Nike tracksuit and within an hour of sitting on a beach towel had cast these garments aside to reveal a rather skimpy M&S bikini.

Although the beach in summer is perhaps the first place you’d expect a glamour model to be seen taking her clothes off, many onlookers, including Richard Wilkes, 50, were still shocked at what they saw.

He said: ‘You just don’t see tits like that in real life. It was an unforgettable sight and I might think of Katie the next time I’m having sex with my wife.’

‘One thing’s for sure, I’ll certainly be thinking of her the next time I masturbate.’

Katie, whose current marriage appears to be on the rocks though that might just be more carefully-planned PR, spent the morning reading a current issue of the Radio Times before heading off around lunch time for an undercooked hamburger.

Katie Price’s new biography ‘Six Months After The Last One’ is due for release in February 2011 and will probably be rivetting.

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