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WELL DONE! Joey Essex completes toilet training 5 months ahead of schedule

9 Jul

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

TOWIE star Joey Essex has surprised his critics by completing the final round of toilet training a full five months ahead of schedule. He is now fully qualified to use a toilet unaided and intends to celebrate in style by seeing Ice Age 4 at the Braintree Odeon cinema this weekend.

The tanned male, 19, has overcome a lifetime of learning difficulties and can finally discard the potty that has been kept under his bed since birth.

He has cited a profound focus and determination as the keys to achieving his goal, as well as the promise of an entire pound of sherbert lemons from TOWIE show producers.

Mr Essex’s lack of full toilet training had caused undue stress to fellow TOWIE cast members during the filming of the hit show’s sixth season earlier this year, costing the production team many hours on set whilst he attended to several soiled undergarments. The stench at times was reportedly ‘unbarable’.

Perhaps now he will finally be able to move in with his mystery gay lover (pictured below) in Brighton?

Pop Peelings wishes them both well.

Gays: Joey Essex, left, brushes nipples with his current partner

Amy Childs quits TOWIE to complete PhD

15 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Amy Childs, star of reality TV smash hit The Only Way is Essex, has sensationally quit the show after thirteen years to focus on further academic achievement. She will hand in a PhD dissertation in the second half of 2013 on modern social anthropology, adding to her already impressive bounty of masters degrees in the fields of psychology and biological sciences.

The 39 year old, who has long held claim to the largest pair of breasts in the show’s twenty year existence, joined the Essex-based program in the middle of 1998, around the time of her completing her first masters degree at the university of Bath, at which she was also the Student Union vice president.

Natural look: Amy Childs in 2005, as guest lecturer at Bristol university

Miss Childs has portrayed herself on television as something of an entreprenuer, managing a profitable hair boutique in a trendy part of Chigwell ever since earning the start-up funds through careful investments that paid off during the first dot com boom. Set to open her eighth branch next year, she has used the profits to fund her education and to set up the independent Amy Childs Alztheimer’s Research Institution in South End, now in its second year.

Many of the cast have become close friends, and sometimes fuck partners, with Miss Childs.

Mark Wright, who plays Tanned Bloke 03, said: ‘I’m well happy for her. I’m proper chuffed mate.’

‘She showed me one of her text books once. Fackin’ hell guv, I was like you ‘avin’ a giraffe sunshine etc.’

Modest Childs, who has seen her academic work published in all major scientific journals, is planning a low-key send off to mark her final appearance in the show in September. She will attend private parties in eighteen top night clubs in central London and three in Manchester, and will invite a plethora of celebrity guests and superstar disc jockeys such as Timmy Mallett, along to enjoy the fun.

TOWIE’s Nanny Pat ‘devastated’ after missing special Werther’s Original deal by one day

4 Jul

By Slick Nick

Friends and family members have been offering support to Nanny Pat after the ancient cockney appeared to miss out on the retail deal of a lifetime by a mere 24 hours.

The star and creator of hit reality TV series The Only Way Is Essex visited a Colchester branch of ASDA earlier in the week, only to be confronted with the news that just a day earlier, a generous three-for-one offer on Werther’s Original had expired. It is thought that this amount of confectionary would have lasted Ms Pat all the way up until mid August.

Ms Pat, who was due to celebrate her 103rd birthday later this year by attending a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown concert at Southend Pier, is said to be ‘inconsolable’.

Matriarch: Nanny Pat delivers home baked treats to a mystery male suitor in TOWIE season 4 ep. 19

Within hours of the news breaking, various TOWIE cast members descended upon the Pat estate in Chigwell, Essex, to help the wrinkled female through this difficult time, including Tanned Bloke 03, Tanned Bloke 05, Titted Brunette 12, Titted Blonde 02 and surprisingly Younger Titted Brunette 04.

Insiders have confirmed that so far, old photograph albums and a video of a family Christening from 1994 have been watched with Ms Pat in order to bring some solace. They have also sat through the two most recent Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown DVDs.

Neighbour Richard Wilkes, 50, dropped his crossword puzzle as soon as he heard about Ms Pat’s ordeal to offer his support.

He said: ‘She really is in a bad way. No matter what we all try, she just sits there motionless, almost totally withdrawn from reality.’

‘Not even racist comedy seemed to cheer her up.’

Nanny Pat can be seen baking and smoking in series fiften of The Only Way Is Essex due to air this Autumn.

BREAKING NEWS: Amy Childs wears clothes to nightclub

3 Apr

By Slick Nick

Amy Childs, star of hit television show The Only Way is Essex, recently took onlookers by surprise as she wore clothes to a nightclub.

The sperm rescepticle, 32, was seen wearing the clothing at the Bromley Liquid nightclub this Saturday, in a publicity stunt insiders describe as impressing ‘very few’.

Miss Childs arrived in a licensed mini cab wearing a dress, shoes and hair extensions. It is strongly suspected that these items were purchased at a generic high street retailer such as Next or River Island, only days before the night out. The clothes were likely made using child labour within a far away land in order to achieve a more competitive price point.

The rest of the evening did not see any other newsworthy incidents.

The female shot to fame earlier this year after appearing in a television show carefully disguised as reality TV, despite each scene having about five different perfectly set up camera angles. It featured largely vacuous individuals who looked much older than their years socialising and fucking, and ran for a staggering 153 episodes, winning no awards.

When asked about the clothing incident, Miss Childs was reluctant to comment.

She said: ‘I just wanted a night out after studying at my government-funded adult literacy course all week.’

‘Now excuse me as I need to have my photo taken with someone else that has done very little to get so much press coverage.’

Amy Childs will soon be embarking on a UK-wide tour giving motivational business talks at hair salons.

 

 

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