Archive | X Factor RSS feed for this section

Murs: ‘My suffering over GCSE English retakes’

15 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pop singer Olly Murs has finally come clean over one of the greatest turmoils of his life – having to retake GCSE English twice.

The male, 29, finally achieved a D grade the third time around; something of a family record.

The certificate did not come without its sacrifices though for the young cockney:

“Fackin hell guv, you have no idea how intimidating it is sitting in a basketball hall surrounded by teenagers that can read and write properly.”

“Apples and pears, I had to study my backside off. I could only go to the Braintree Whetherspoon’s three times a week. Apparently the fruit machine takings were right down. Speaking of fruit, how are you for oranges?”

Murs’ music, a mixture of dated pop and raggae, is a favourite amongst unattractive white teenage girls in Britain, many of whom are also illiterate. The horrors of Murs’ GCSE examinations are thought to have struck a chord with this fanbase, helping them bond and relate further to their idol.

Fortunately, the line of work Murs finds himself in today requires very little writing at all.

olly murs

BREAKING NEWS: Olly Murs’ ‘Guide To W**king’ WILL be released this Christmas

30 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Those looking for gift ideas this Christmas need worry no more, for the highly anticipated debut book by Olly Murs detailing the singer’s most advanced methods of self gratification will be available in time for December 25th.

Destined for the best seller lists, Mr Murs’ Guide To W**king has been maligned by troubles from the start. Sources close to the cockney claim the frequent delays were due in part to him wanting to practice and hone his craft to perfection before getting his methods down on paper.

Now puting the finishing touches, literally, to his work, Mr Murs, 31, is reportedly ‘exhausted but happy’.

Members of the Murs Army, a collection of mostly unattractive white teenage girls on Twitter, are hotly anticipating the title, as they are keen to learn exactly why so many fans of good music frequently dismiss their idol as ‘just a w**ker’.

And what of Mr Murs’ inspiration to pen such a controversial title?

‘When you make so many music videos starring women many times out of your league, it’s hard to resist the urge to make use of that welcoming box of tissues by your bed as you spend another cold night alone.’ commented Murs.

‘When I eventually get dropped from my record label, at least I will have masturbation to fall back on.’

The Olly Murs Guide To W**king will be available from all good kebab shops from December 10th.

Murs: Expert wanker?

SUCCESS! Zayn Malik’s ‘Bradfordburg’ concerto sells out

31 Mar

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Zayn Malik has proved his detractors wrong once again as a controversial forray into classical music for the young prodigy has turned out to be nothing but a roaring success.

Malik, 28, who will be breaking away from boy group One Direction later in the year, presented fans with a live performance of his highly anticipated Bradfordburg concerto, a 10-hour tribute to his home town played by the school orchestra of Wakefield High School.

Orchestra: Wakefield's finest

Tickets reportedly sold out within two weeks of going on sale at the 138 capacity venue.

Even Malik’s father, Mr. Malik, was only able to bring two of his four wives along to enjoy the evening.

Those lucky enough to attend commented that seeing Zayn in action was not unlike witnessing ‘a young Mozart in his prime’.

The concert stopped for a short interlude at the four hour mark, during which time a banquet of crisps, Haribo and diet Fanta were served with compliments.

Particular crowd pleasers were ‘Bradford FC Cello Sonata in A Minor’ and ‘An MBA Keeps the Border Force at Bay in B Maj. 2nd Movement’.

Composing: Zayn Malik

Some in attendance were so overcome with emotion that they shed tears.

Zayn himself was available for comment after the ten minute standing ovation that greeted the final bars of ‘Tony And George Kissing In A B52 Bomber in F Minor.’

He said: ‘I am delighted with the evening and am pleased with the response to my work. Now I must retire to my private quarters where I intend to enjoy a w**k and the first DVD of my new Spongebob Squarepants boxset.’

He will now start planning a second performance of the Bradfordburg Concerto to take place at Leeds Civic Center this summer.

“I’m well chuffed, guv” Olly Murs cleans up at 2012 Mediocre Music Awards

27 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

It seems that finally all the years of hard work have paid off for music sensation Olly Murs as the cheeky chappy has scooped a record bounty at the fifteenth annual Mediocre Music Awards (c).

The glamourous ceremony, held at Southend pier earlier in February, was hosted by Cilla Black and welcomed a host of A-list celebrity guests, including the cast of Brookside’s final episode, as well as Trevor and Simon of Live & Kicking Fame.

Mr Murs, 34, won the most mediocre male, most mediocre album, most disappointing dancing in a music video, most meaningless lyrics, blandest pop single and most unremarkable look awards, or ‘mediocries’ as they are known in the industry.

Murs: Officially mediocre

A final twist stunned onlookers as the X Factor reject also nabbed a special award for saying nothing of substance in any interviews whatsoever, a close contest between himself and TOWIE’s Amy Childs (who sadly could not be in attendance).

Mr Murs has gone on record to confirm that he is currently looking for a suitable builder to install an extra shelf in the shed at the bottom of Simon Cowell’s garden where he lives to house his enviable horde  of plastic Ms.

He said: ‘I’m over the moon and never expected any of these awards,’ before offering this reporter fruit and vegetables at very competitive retail prices.

So what next for Mr Murs, the man who seemingly has the music world at his feet? A hospital tour taking in every children’s ward in East Anglia, followed by several months off to record his next mediocre album ‘Apples And Pears To Heaven’, that’s what. You heard it here first.

Zayn Malik quits One Direction to finish his ‘Pet Sounds’

19 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Teenage girls across the nation were left in despair this weekend as the shocking announcement that Zayn Malik will be leaving One Direction was made, shaking the British pop industry to its very core.

Malik, 25, will finish a series of primary school concerts with ‘1D’ in April this year, after which he is said to be ‘looking forward’ to locking himself away in complete isolation to work on his latest pop symphony.

The composer, who joined the group on one of the least-viewed seasons of X Factor in history, already had their first three albums written and arranged even before his first audition. He has stated creative differences along with frustration at having to perform the same mindrottingly awful music week in week out, as the reasons that tipped him over the edge to resign.

Despair: Bradford 1D fans cannot contain themselves

Malik’s forthcoming solo album, simply titled ‘Bradford’ after his home town, will feature a range of musical styles and arrangements from across the ages, encompassing everything from baroque classical to jazz fusion.

‘This is getting insiders quite excited,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s been several decades since British pop music produced a genuinely timeless masterpiece. This could be it.’

Malik has built a ‘shrine to Bradford’ in his home, much the same way as the Brian Wilson did for the beach when he went quite literally insane due to a decade of injesting powerful halucinajenic drugs. The One Direction star’s creation is shaping up to be quite different though.

A family member said ‘He’s got a genuine paving slab, still covered in dog sh*t and human vomit, from outside the Bacteria Grill in Bradford city center right in the middle of the living room.’

‘Next to his grand piano lies a pile of tissues drenched in human tears. In the corner there is even a rain machine.’

‘He is in talks with the local council to get a load of used needles and rat carcasses for decorating the orchestral suite as well.’

Malik: John Lennon of the iPhone generation?

The industry does not expect to hear much from Malik for several months, if not longer. However, many are convinced that the product of the young prodigy’s efforts will recreate accurately the pain, despair and overwhelming dread that comes with every waking moment of life in Bradford.

Channel 4 finally secures rights to Frankie Cocozza autopsy

16 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

After a lengthy bidding war involving ITV2 and ITV4, Channel 4 has now been confirmed as the network that will be able to broadcast a live autopsy of hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza.

The X Factor reject is still alive, reports have confirmed, though with his lifestyle of excessive drug use and vaginal penetrations, many believe it is unlikely he will reach thirty.

Producers are hoping to involve Gunther von Hagens in the show. The German eccentric warmed the hearts of viewers recently by hacking up dead bodies and lining the studio with their internal organs on live television. He is reportedly asking for a fixed six-figure fee and a month’s supply of sausages.

Scalpel at the read: Gunther poses with his wife of 19 years

Rumours suggest the programme will be shown in three 2-hour episodes, the first two being the dissection itself and the third episode a spin-off hosted by Peter Andre and the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

Mr Cocozza, 27, garnered a huge fanbase after failing to hold even a single note on 2011’s series of the primetime singing contest.

He said: ‘The careful observers out there will know that I cannot sing or offer anything else in the way of employability, so I am grateful to Channel 4 for giving me the opportunity to contribute to medical science.’

‘Maybe after I am gone, scientists will finally know the secrets to how babies are made.’

Chuffed: Cocozza poses for fans outside a Brighton job center

‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

Cheryl Cole’s knuckles ‘98% recovered’ from racist beating

28 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

The recovery process has been a long one, but finally after so many years it seems Cheryl Cole is set to make a full recovery from the night her left fist was used to beat a poverty-stricken nightclub toilet attendant senseless in January 2003.

The incident, which took place at Guildford’s Finger Bang Cobanna, left Mrs Cole barely able to hold a hairbrush properly, let alone a microphone.

The altercation occurred after Sophie Amogbokpa, who was three hours into her shift in the ground floor ladies toilets, took objection to wealthy pop stars taking her merchandise of perfume and lolipops without paying. A defiant Cheryl, tanked up on champagne and brown ale, made a stand with an impressive left hook to the struggling law student’s skull.

The impact left the Girls Aloud star with hairline fractures to her knuckles, and severe bruising for several months.

Injured: Cheryl nurses the fist on 12th Jan 2003 that nearly shattered Miss Amogbokpa's eye socket

An unnamed witness at the time said: ‘I’m so glad Cheryl’s record company was able to put her through so many dance and gym sessions, otherwise she may not have had the physical strength needed to defend herself against someone who was probably born into war and poverty and was simply trying to earn money to pay for her education.’

Mrs Cole, who at the time labelled her opponent a ‘black b*tch’, was convicted of ABH and ordered to serve a sentence of not buying a new handbag for thirty days.

She was also ordered to pay £0.55 for the lollipop that started the argument in the first place.

A spokesman for Mrs Cole said: ‘Cheryl has been under strict doctor’s orders now to not use her fist to physically assault any more black females.’

‘She has been through an ordeal but will soon be able to breakdance again.’

Pop Peelings wishes Cheryl a full recovery.

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

X Factor boot camp ‘in lockdown’ after A-level suspicion

27 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Controversy gripped the X Factor boot camp in London last night as it was suspected that one or more conestants were found to be in the possession of A-levels. The 10-storey dance studio and gym in Oxford Street was in lock-down whilst Syco executives investigated.

Insiders report that all budding singers were lined up against a wall and strip-searched to see if they had on them the A-level ‘certificates’. These items tend to be awarded to UK students for achieving a certain level of academic excellence.

The rumours of A-level possession surfaced when one contestant, a caucasian female in her early twenties, appeared to be well-spoken and polite, but had not used a gimick or sob story to get past the audition stage. X Factor researchers then made the shocking discovery that the girl in question had enjoyed a relatively stable upbringing underpinned by a happy home life.

Richard Wilkes, Senior Executive Vice Presidential Director of Important Stuff at Syco, was forced to step in and take direct action.

He said: ‘We at Syco Records will not tolerate the use or awarding of A-levels amongst our artists or contestants. It is strictly against Syco policy.’

‘Through years of painstaking market research, we have determined that what the pop consumer demands is not educated youngsters who have had stable lives in a loving, supportive family environment.’

‘If someone with A-levels were able to slip through the X Factor process and get a record deal, it could have a detrimental impact on sales. I might only be able to afford three holidays a year.’

Syco CEO Simon Cowell has stood by the policy for a number of years, stating that he doesn’t want to end up managing ‘another Blur or Radiohead’ who would likely make outlandish demands like time away from dance rehearsals to write music together.

Middle manager Louis Walsh is said to be ‘enthusiastic’ over the idea of further hourly strip searches just incase the previous ones could not unearth hidden A-Level certificates.

Academics: Not what's 'in' for record labels

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

X Factor’s Tulisa: ‘The riots were bad’

30 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

X Factor judge Tulisa Something-Greek-Sounding has issued a statement containing her profound views on the rioting that swept the UK earlier in August this year.

The 32 year old has gone on record to declare the shocking scenes of arson and looting as ‘not very nice’.

She said: ‘I felt ashamed when I saw the news on those nights, particularly as I noticed a fair few of my ex boyfriends amongst the crowds.’

‘But what disappointed me most was the proceeding coverage from the right-leaning British press which seemed to use the tragedy to further its cause against the lower social classes and ethnic minority groups.’

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is no stranger to political commentary, making a career out of fronting the socially conscious contemporary disco troup N Dubz. The Camden natives will be setting sail for a tour of the ex-Balkan nations this winter to perform for fans whose parents likely suffered crimes against humanity in the 1990s at the hands of Serbian troops. The victims of genocide, torture and ethnic cleansing are looking forward to enjoying rapper Dappy’s funny hats.

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is hoping her group’s unique brand of uplifting, urban compositions will inspire teens around the world not to destroy every Carphone Warehouse shop window in sight.

Her campaign has the full support and backing of Pop Peelings.

Broken Britain: Tulisa's social work helps disaffected urban youths express themselves in North London

NEW LOW: JLS’ Aston checks in to Priory for McCoy’s addiction

22 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

The pressures of fame can sometimes be too much for some, particularly when you’re one quarter of Britain’s premier male dance group Joyful Little Strippers (JLS). Having been through the ups and downs of life on the road, which culminated in a debilitating addiction to cheese & onion McCoy’s crisps, young Aston Merrygold has saught the help of The Priory.

The London clinic is no stranger to celebrity clients, and helps individuals curb their addictions to everything from drink and drugs to anal sex. Mr Merrygold, 17, will spend two months there in order to receive the professional help required to battle uncontrollable cravings for the well known bagged snack.

Joyful Little Stripper: Merrygold drives attendees of the G.A.Y. club insane with lust at a show

The group first became aware of Mr Merrygold’s behaviour one night in February this year. During the middle of the night, the caravan at the end of manager Louis Walsh’s garden which the group use for living accomodation, became alive with a sound. The sound was not music, as one of their hit singles alludes to, but of a primal, unrestrained crunching and groaning; the sound of Aston wrist deep in McCoy’s crisps.

Louis Walsh, 83, said: ‘It’s a huge blow to have one of my strippers addicted to high-calorie snacks. If this had continued, his chissled, oiled abs may have become less defined.’

‘I wish Aston the quickest possible recovery so he can return to eight hours of exercise a day fuelled only by a single protein shake and three litres of tap water.’

The estimated cost of Merrygold’s stay at the clinic will be around £3million per week. Insiders say this will be money well spent.

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

‘They look like popstars’: Louis Walsh sees musical potential in unselected females from Take Me Out

27 Mar

By Slick Nick

Irish pensioner Louis Walsh, famed for his perenial role as Simon Cowell’s verbal sparring partner on the X Factor, has expressed interest in getting a selection of girls together for a brand new, cutting edge pop group. Hardly breaking news, you may think, but this time the girls all have a very distinctive thing in common – they have all not been selected for sexual intercourse after appearing on ITV’s Saturday night meat market Take Me Out.

The show, largely considered to be the Blind Date of the iPad generation, features a plethora of single women all desperate to share the DNA of largely unemployable male twenty-somethings. Those that are selected are whisked away on a luxurious break to enjoy a slightly awkward dinner date with their suitor, and those that are not remain on the show seemingly for all eternity.

'Tell Uncle Paddy... what sort of guy would get to deposit semen inside you?'

Music manager Walsh, 78, has surprisingly confirmed that appearing on a primetime ITV reality TV show for several weeks in a row is more than enough to warrant a record deal. The girls that have been on the program for the longest consequitve amount of time will be given singing, dancing and sandwich-making lessons, as well as studio time with top music producers.

He said: ‘I know these girls have got what it takes to make it big in the music industry. They’ve been shown on television for weeks on end.’

‘Everyone will want to hear the songs they have written together. And by ‘written together’, I mean songs my minions have carefully selected for them to attempt to sing in a recording studio armed with all the latest technology that can make anyone sound half decent on the radio.’

Girls like Lucy Evans, 29, from Wales, are prime targets for the music mogul. Pictured below with what is thought to be a masturbation aid, the marine biologist had appeared on the show a record 237 consequtive weeks since the first episode aired in 2003.

Walsh continued: ‘We’ve got some really good ideas for the band name floating around my Dublin castle.’

‘How about The Unfuckables? It’s a little riff on the movie The Untouchables you see. That one didn’t just come overnight, I can tell you.’

The single is expected to be released in the early part of 2012 after a launch party at the Leatherhead branch of WH Smiths.

Government quango confirms Steve Brookstein’s popularity to be ‘equal to that of The Wurzels’

13 Mar

By Slick Nick

A new government body (which was promised By Nick Clegg to not be going ahead but exists anyway) determined to uncover the great mysteries of popular music has confirmed what many insiders had suspected for years – that Steve Brookstein’s popularity is equal to that of classic alternative rock act The Wurzels.

The frequent performer to half-empty coffee shops won the 27th series of the X Factor back in 2004 and enjoyed a week-long record deal before being dropped by Song BMG. It is now thought that the total amount of time spent listening to his music by the British public is exactly the same for the entire discography of Sommerset’s favourite sons.

The latter group shot to fame in 1976 with chart-topping hit single ‘The Combine Harvester‘. Their subsequent 43 albums largely covered themes such as cider, muck-spreading and incest, yet failed to enjoy a mainstream fanbase.

Brookstein, 63, pictured below in the backstage area at Ealing Broadway’s Starbucks last Thursday, was said to be pleased with the report’s findings, suggesting it may be one of his greatest musical achievements.

Will sing for a vanilla bullshit thing

He said: ‘Growing up, The Wurzels were probably the main inspiration for me becoming a musician. Their body of work spoke to me about the dark underbelly nestling within Britain’s rural villages, but I couldn’t help but sing along.’

‘All the people that laughed at me and called me a deadbeat, a loser, a bitter old man, a no-talent shitheel, a non-entity, a stain on the very fabric of popular culture, a cheeseball, a self-promoting has-been, a waste of space and complete and utter mindfuckingly rubbish can do one – I am now officially as popular as the Wurzels, and they are not.’

Steve Brookstein’s new self-released single ‘How to Make Friends and Irritate Tweeters’ is out now on stereo cassette and available from all good newsagents.

 

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

27 Feb

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

‘I am well happy’: Cher Lloyd expresses joy at finding Friends seasons two and three on VHS in charity shop

20 Feb

By Slick Nick

Life as a pop star can bring with it vast fame and fortune, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That’s why X Factor reject Cher Lloyd recently called a press conference to announce her joy at picking up two entire video boxsets of the hit 90s sitcom Friends in a local charity shop.

The anorexic, 29, saw the boxsets in the window of a Barnardos shop in hometown of Malvern, Worcestershire, earlier in the week.

There was repordely no price tag attached to the videos of the now ended sitcom, which told the story of only caucasian 30-somethings living, working and fucking in New York, arguably the most ethnically diverse city on the planet. After making an enquiry inside the shop to a woman that was hard of hearing, Ms Lloyd was able to secure a price of £7.50 in total for the items. She then required five carrier bags to get the videos home.

Cher said: ‘I never thought that when I entered the X Factor all those months ago that I’d be sitting here owning not one but two boxsets of Friends.’

‘It’s a shame my grandmother’s caravan burnt to the ground with her inside it a few years ago. She’d have been so proud to see this.’

When the skeleton intends to view the videos remains unclear. Some have speculated that she will watch one episode an evening until completing all cassettes. Others insist she will attempt to watch both seasons in their entirity across a single weekend. We will remain close to the sources and report any further developments as and when they happen.

Despite getting the boot quite early on in 2010’s X Factor finals, Cher Lloyd will be releasing an album this coming summer. Take that, Ofcom.

Oh no! JLS’ Marvin oversleeps and misses group workout

13 Feb

By Slick Nick

Chaos descended upon the JLS camp yesterday morning as lead singer Marvin Humes failed to turn up for a pre-planned group gym workout.

The session was due to take place at 8am at an LA Fitness in central London, which also sells an impressive range of protein bars.

It was later revealed that Humes, 36, had overslept.

It is unknown at this time whether he slept in on purpose, or whether an alarm clock had malfunctioned.

An anonymous source stated that JLS management had recently struggled to curb Humes’ addiction to late-night reality TV cop shows and that this may have been a contributing factor to his lethargy.

The group are expected to exercise daily in a punishing regime that includes two hours of cardio, one hour of weights, one hour of core and half an hour of stretching. The rest of the day is spent in dance rehearsals, with eleven minutes before bedtime devoted to song writing.

Manager Louis Walsh was reportedly ‘a bit annoyed’ at Marvin’s behaviour and is expected to make him train twice as hard tomorrow.

He said: ‘If Marvin can’t train his lean, rippling physique as part of a team, I’m sure I could find a way for him to burn some calories together in my Dublin castle. Mmmm.’

 

JLS’ current obligatory-slow-one-after-continuous-dance-anthems single is out now and available from all good petrol stations.

 

REVEALED: How Olly Murs ran out of toilet roll just hours before morning wank

6 Feb

By Slick Nick

Pop star Olly Murs was unable to masturbate according to his normal morning ritual today after finding himself without an adequate amount of bedside toilet roll needed to capture and dispose of the ejaculate.

The X Factor reject and current chart flop, 33, usually begins each day with a five minute wank with the aid of a toilet roll kept in his bedside cabinet.

It is thought that the air in the cockney’s bedroom being festuned with Old Spice the night before caused a sneezing fit, which required the use of the final few sheets of the Andrex toilet tissue.

He said: ‘It was a nightmare. Even though I was fully erect and good to go, I had to get out of my nice warm bed and go to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper.’

‘By the way, would you like to buy some fruit and vegetables? We can probably come to an arrangement on some sort of bulk purchase.’

Syco management have confirmed that Mr Murs will now store several toilet rolls under his bed to prevent this kind of disaster happening again.

The album Olly Murs is out now and can be found playing at most ironic social gatherings of twenty-something music snobs.

Wanker?

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

30 Jan

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

Joe McElderry due to have opinion on something

23 Jan

By Slick Nick

Joe McElderry, winner of 2009’s X Factor, is suspected of being in the process of forming an opinion on something.

The pop failure, 29, is strongly believed to be planning the communication of this opinion to coincide with the next release in his troubled music career.

Insiders are keeping tightly-lipped on the situation, though we would speculate the singer’s view would likely be on someone else’s new single or album which will undoubtedly sell more units than his own. Other likely topics would be declaring a recent global tragedy as ‘bad’, Cheryl Cole and the recent baby storylines in Eastenders.

Despite winning the prime time ITV karaoke contest with a staggering 486 votes, the clean-cut Geordie has struggled to win over the record-buying public like previous contestants. His album even failed to chart in Germany, whilst recent single ‘Someone Wake Me Up’ only sold nine copies.

He said: ‘Hopefully when this opinion of mine hits the middle pages of the tabloids, it will make the public realise that the music I’ve recorded is actually amazing.’

‘I just need to sell some records. The job market up in South Shields is pretty shit at the moment.’

 

Joe McElderry’s music releases are gradually being delisted by most highstreet stores.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell set to earn ‘shitloads’ in 2011

10 Jan

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, music mogul Simon Cowell’s expected income for 2011 will be precisely ‘shitloads’, according to leaked documents.

The perenial sperm-provider to malnourished women will make the money through various television and music dealings that the public will know about through a carefully managed PR strategy later in the year, which will likely have a spot of pro war propaganda thrown in for good measure.

Cowell’s hit TV show X Factor, in which various multi-millionairres crush the dreams of low income families in front of a live audience of halfwits, is expected to launch in the USA in a deal reportedly worth ‘a fuck ton of dolla’.

The star, 73, is well known in media circles for having a taste for fast cars, faster women, and mind-numbingly bad music.

He said: ‘You can never have enough money. My Bugatti isn’t exactly a Renault Clio, you know.’

‘It’s just a shame you can’t fuel it with children’s tears. A damn shame.’

He is currently rumoured to be seeking planning permission to build a Scrooge McDuck style money bin next to one of his properties in a location that most people will never be able to afford to visit.

When asked about what he plans to spend his hard-earned money on, cowell replied: ‘Wine, women and song. And probably the DVD collection of Only Fools And Horses. Uncle Albert cracks me up.’

Is the Syco head taking fewer risks with old age? Insiders at the label are claiming that with 2011’s X Factor, Cowell will simply have the winner record a cover version of the previous week’s number one selling single, virtually eliminating any doubt whatsoever that his latest signee will have the much saught after Christmas number one.

He remarked: ‘I am certainly still a risk-taker.’

‘There’s a difference between not taking risks and just being damn lazy.’

Simon Cowell’s acts have releases out at the moment and these can be found in most substandard music collections.

Cheryl Cole set to beat everyone at Wii Tennis at secret NYE party

28 Dec

By Slick Nick

Tyneside superstar Cheryl Cole/Tweedy is the firm favourite to win all games of Wii Tennis at a forthcoming new year’s eve house party, set to take place at a secret location in Newcastle.

The mimer and shampoo seller will take on friends and family in a contest some insiders are claiming to be ‘just for a bit of a laugh, like.’

Violent Tweedy shot to fame in 2003 after assaulting a nightclub toilet attendant in a racially-motivated attack. She then married a black man a few years later to prove that she wasn’t a massive racist afterall.

Tweedy said: ‘Wii Sports proved a challenge initially but when I set me mind to something, I always beat it, like.’

‘I have thoroughly enjoyed practicing for this match, and will thoroughly enjoy the match itself.’

‘Do you want to buy some shampoo or other hair stuff?’

Bookies have slashed odds in half for a Cole victory despite some industry experts predicting an upset win from an Uncle, whose carer has let him play the Wii every day since its release in 2006.

He said: ‘I’ll do me best against Cheryl this week and hopefully I’ll at least get a sniff of her perfume when we’re playing together, like.’

‘There is one Christmas game she’ll never beat me at though – ‘hide the gin bottle from mam’ we call it.’

Cheryl Cole will probably have a book or CD or something else out in a few weeks that isn’t worth talking about.

%d bloggers like this: