Tag Archives: 2001

On The Nose (2001 dir. David Caffrey)

27 Feb

Screenplay caught red-handed delivering lines from better films to disguise own ineptitude.

1/5

IMDB

The Pledge (2001 dir. Sean Penn)

5 Jan

Whilst surrounded by uglies, legendary actor attempts to avoid looking bored.

2/5

IMDB

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001 dir. Steven Spielberg)

1 Nov

Charming update of Pinocchio, with man-whoring and neon lights.

3/5

Ghosts of Mars (2001 dir. John Carpenter)

13 Jun

Like Zulu with redder sets.

2/5

Freddy Got Fingered (2001 dir. Tom Green)

21 Mar

Doodling, animal sperm and an offer of anal sex cause relations to implode between father and cult Canadian.

2/5

Donnie Darko (2001 dir. Richard Kelly)

3 Mar

To avoid a month of 80s music, schoolboy commits suicide with time tinkering.

3/5

Vanilla Sky (2001 dir. Cameron Crowe)

21 Feb

Like a eutopian Matrix, with pastel colours and intercourse.

4/5

Evolution (2001 dir. Ivan Reitman)

10 Nov

Like Ghosbusters colliding with Charles Darwin whilst being funded by premium shampoo.

3/5

The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion (2001 dir. Woody Allen)

4 Nov

Ode to pre-WWII screwball comedies replaces chuckles with hypnotism.

2/5

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001 dir. Wes Anderson)

6 Sep

Near homage to Woody Allen increases quirkiness and use of whispery, effete indie music.

2/5

Mulholland Drive (2001 dir. David Lynch)

1 Sep

Authorities fail to deal with demonic bum at popular fast-food eatery in purposefully bonkers Hollywood dystopia.

3/5

Gosford Park (2001 dir. Robert Altman)

19 Aug

Like a live action game of Cluedo with only one murder weapon.

3/5

Planet Of The Apes (2001 dir. Tim Burton)

13 Aug

Unrestrained thespery, and poorly handled action sequences, sullies middle aged nerds’ cherished franchise.

1/5

In Praise of Love (Éloge de l’amour) (2001 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

22 Jul

Numerous off-camera dialogue skits make confusing narrative completely fucking impossible to follow.

2/5

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001 dir. Kevin Smith)

28 May

Whilst winking and swearing at cult audience, Star Wars/comic fan types appear to champion medicority of blubbery director’s filmography.

2/5

Bandits (2001)

7 Apr

Charming burglers in denim and obvious hair pieces fall out after seeking the use of the same captured lady’s fuckhole.

2/5

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Come Clean’ (2001) by Puddle Of Mudd

2 Apr

By Slick Nick

If there’s one thing this bandd will go ddown in history for, it’s teaching the masses (or maybe just their impressive 9815 Twitter followers) that ddoubling the letter D in things ddoesn’t make them any better, for example Puddle Of Mudd’s name and song-writing ability.

These chaps were part of the ‘nu grunge’ phenomenon that polluted rock charts during the late 90s and noughties – a genre that when dissected really means ‘to want to be like Nirvana whilst actually presenting music that is a million times shitter.’ Thus, Puddle Of Mudd brought these 13 or so crap songs to the table in 2001 and in doing so, effortlessly crafted one of the worst albums ever made.

Merely six seconds into opening single ‘Control’ and one thing becomes tragically clear; listening to this album will be as interesting as watching paint dry at a bus stop. Anyone that has been listening to rock for even a couple of years will likely have heard all these riffs in far better songs by other bands.

‘She Hates Me’ is another mindfuckingly awful single, sounding like a rejected song from Grease and quite unwelcome in an album that is fundamentally slow, grungy butt rock. Given how  different and obviously commercial it sounds compared to the other songs on the record, it just screams of gimick-single-to-get-band-on-the-radio, so much so that it makes Offspring’s noughties work look like fucking Despised Icon by comparison. Appalling.

Perhaps, given the overall listening experience, the most accurately-titled song on here is ‘Bring Me Down’. Its only point of note is the attempt at a tempo change that underpins a middle eight, but executed by musicians as talentless as Puddle Of Mudd, the piece is just clumsy and awkward, like admitting you watch Loose Women without irony to a small group of friends.

The final single ‘Blurry’ is passable I’ll admit, with some enjoyable moments. Apparently about the end of frontman Wes Scantlin’s marriage and not getting to see his kid, it’s the heartfelt tale of a woman not wanting her only child to be associated with a sub-par Kurt Cobain wannabe, and no one would blame her. Poor lyrics do undermine this tolerable pop song though.

Scantlin: 'I've written this many crap songs today.'

Considering how shit this music is, and how underwhelming the lead singles are, I did start to wonder what on earth any respective A&R professional would deem worthy enough in this band to invest valuable time and money in getting them on the music channels and into the music collections of people that like extremely crap songs. Delving into the Mudd biography it all became crystal clear – this lot were signed to Fred Durst‘s label for their big break. No further explanation is necessary after uncovering that nugget of music trivia, considering Durst is a man seemingly hellbent on bestowing the world with as much bad rock music as humanly possible.

Puddle Of Mudd have managed to sell a mind-boggling number of records, stretching into the millions. I’d love to meet a genuine fan of the group to ascertain what made this music good enough to purchase. Is it the boring guitarring? The excitement of the slow, ploddy music relentlessly executed in that barely explored 4/4 time signature?  The memorable lack of melody? The mediocrity of Scantlin’s entirely derivative vocal delivery? Perhaps I will never know. But one thing I do know for certain is that if an individual even has a single Nirvana MP3 in their music collection, it pretty much makes this group’s complete discography entirely fucking pointless.

‘She [metaphorically representing people that enjoy good music] fuckin’ hates me.’

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Adema’ (2001) by Adema

5 Feb

By Slick Nick

Adema – a word I never thought I’d see again. Still, that’s what this feature is about in a way – digging up long-forgotten shit from the past. And believe me, this is shit.

I suppose in hindsight, Adema serve a small purpose in 2011. People often disagree with me when I suggest that the noughties were generally the worst decade for music since the 1940s. They will claim metal in general, bands like Against Me! and Gaslight Anthem breaking big and the charts never looking better as reasons to cherish the past decade’s recorded output. Next time that happens, I can calmly sit down, load up Spotify and type ‘Adema’ in the search bar. “Come, my friend. Have a seat,” I’ll tell them. “I don’t feel the need to offer this debate anything more than for twelve tracks.”

It would be a feat of inhuman ability for Adema to have been even worse than they were on this self-titled debut, probably only released given the singer was the half brother of Jonathan Davies, vocalist of fellow Californian highschool bully victims Korn. Whilst that latter band had some nice ideas, occasionally effective riffing and rare hooks, Adema had precisely nothing to offer rock music in the slightest, save for a cute frontman. It’s worth noting that the brothers were as equally annoying to listen to on record though.

The Adema song-writing process was a straight forward one – you lay down some terrible guitar parts, execute a couple of forgettable verses and choruses and then go into a middle eight perpetuated by an array of silly effects pedals. The lyrics in particular, after some brief analysis, are dreadful to the point of being a near parody of shitty radio rock. This nugget of poetry from the song ‘Close Friend’ illustrates my point: ‘And now I know because you’ve done everything possible to me / Made me so upset.’ Upset? On a so-called alternative rock album? Even a monumental pussy like Bruno Mars would never write anything so pathetic.

The singing from Mark Chavez is appalling. Frankie Valli he ain’t. If your band can’t nail any semblance of a passable guitar riff, you’d better be sure as fuck that you have an arsenal of immaculately-executed hook-ridden melodies to bestow upon the record-buying public to compensate. Instead, almost every song uses the same tuneless melody, whined by a singer doing a mediocre Korn impression. Combining these factors with the clumsy lyrics and ‘Adema’ makes for one hell of a punishing listening experience.

There are clips on YouTube of the band performing these crap songs live and unplugged. This was an interesting idea – if the songs and singing are awful on record, even with all the modern studio effects and trickery, what on earth was there to gain in filming even more poorly executed versions of these godforsaken tracks? It was just one in a catalogue of poor decisions made in Adema’s career, a catalogue that began with the decision to give them a fucking record deal in the first place.

There were two singles from this piece of dog shit – ‘Giving In’ and ‘The Way You Like It’. In closing, the video for the latter made the least sense. This album is full to bursting point with lunk-headed self pity and despair. Then along comes a video showing the lead singer dancing with a decent bit of skirt at one of Adema’s very own shows. Apart from the obvious self-indulgence, two very different demographics of American teenagers appear to be targetted in the band’s marketing strategy. On the one hand, the clean-cut douchebag, and on the other, unpopular grunge rocker types. This just doesn’t work. Until kids ‘find’ themselves, there are firm boundaries in a social sense that teens stick to, and that music marketing should adhere to. You’re either a confident sportsman that gets to fuck cheerleaders at keg parties, or you listen to Marilyn Manson and cut yourself. The two should not be blurred or combined within music. Ever.

 

Nowadays no one remembers when they were young and made shit music

 

Pearl Harbour (2001 dir. Michael Bay)

5 Nov

All-American apple pie wrapped in US flag is tipped off window ledge by evil Japanese pilot.

2/5

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