Tag Archives: Aliens

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

11 Mar

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

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Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

Battle: Los Angeles (2011 dir. Jonathan Liebesman)

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An ethnically diverse gang of U.S. Army cliches defends standard sci-fi location against thirsty terrorist faction from ILM hard-drives.

3/5

Jade (1995 dir. William Friedkin))

29 Jul

Kinky homemade fuck video leads to the gunning down of senior Aliens marine.

2/5

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977 dir. Steven Spielberg)

16 Jul

After arriving late for band rehearsal, alien mothership kidnaps Jaws academic with ease.

4/5

Alien 3 (1992 dir. David Fincher)

29 Oct

Good things from ‘Aliens’ removed as bald Brits become dogmeat.

2/5

Aliens (1986 dir. James Cameron)

29 Oct

Bald space marines make their global premier in ‘Nam allegory.

5/5

Alien (1979)

28 Oct

Nervous humans and a cat creep around a dark spaceship.

3/5

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