Tag Archives: Brighton

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Stereo Typical’ (2011) by Rizzle Kicks

9 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

I do generally ignore hip-hop and dance music as genres, assuming that the majority of albums under these banners will be poor by default, so not worthy my time in writing about them. However, with Rizzle Kicks, I’ve decided to make an exception. It seems impossible to escape them and their terrible music. They have guested on other poor quality singles from the likes of Olly Murs, and have now made enough videos of their own to never be off the music channels and radio. Having captured my attention and invaded my life in the same way Bruno Mars did this time last year, I feel it my duty to explore their debut album ‘Stereo Typical’ in some depth.

These guys are two rappers from Brighton; there’s a couple of reasons right there to avoid their music at all costs. I have to say, the title is slightly misleading, as this is not a typical modern hip-hop record. With retro-sounding backing music underpinning light-hearted, unchallenging lyrics, it’s certainly unlike any other album of the same genre around today.

And therein lies the first problem. There are no big cars, no massive gold chains, no guns, no swearing, no lyrics humiliating women and rival gang members, just nothing fun or interesting. Sometimes I like a bit of escapism in music, and Rizzle Kicks fail to provide it here. There is no conflict or drama in their verse, only emptiness. It’s probably this kind of safe mediocrity that got them paired up with Olly Murs for the rubbish ‘Heart Skips a Beat’ single.

The song-writing is poor at the best of times, with bog-standard rapping permeating each track and ineffective stabs at melody coming during certain choruses. Rap affictionados often get up in arms when someone describes their beloved music as ‘just talking’, but in the case of this album, it really is the truth. Listening to clowns talk about their mundane lives over forgettable backing music is certainly not what I’d call compelling. To add to the misery, they keep reminding the listener of their band name in nearly every song. Trust me, I did not need to be told this so often.

Wankers: The music of Rizzle Kicks isn't as fun as they think it is

The (many) singles are practically as bland and forgettable as the filler fluff, a rarity in modern pop music, with the exception being the insufferable ‘Mama Do The Hump’. This song and title is so bad, it’s almost embarrassing to have to write. Simply one of the worst singles released in recent memory, as if to rub salt into the wounds of music lovers, it also featured a ‘hilarious’ cameo by that blubbery bastion of medicrity James Corden doing a funny little dance in the cheap-looking video.

I find the look of bemusement on the Kicks’ faces quite interesting on the front cover of this hour of crap music, as if they are asking themselves ‘why did so many people buy our singles and this album?’ It’s a question that beats me too. I’m sure it will puzzle music historians for years to come as well.

‘Stereo Typical’ is one of the worst albums ever made. It is a lifeless, mundane, boring effort that fails to do what it says on the tin, performed by two young wankers from Brighton lacking the musical talent and life experience required to make a passable hip-hop album. Take my advice – instead of listening to this record, get the same effect by playing some George Formby on the stereo whilst having a conversation with an old aunt or uncle on the phone, it’s probably less painful.

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

11 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

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