Tag Archives: Business

The Corporation (2003 dir. Mark Achbar & Jennifer Abbott)

26 Jan

Like Michael Moore’s blubber getting stuck in pages of high school psychology textbook.

4/5

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CV Tip #70 (Casablanca)

18 Oct

Could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, when you’ve worked at McDonald’s and have ‘Gained customer staff relationship‘?

Funnily enough, when I order fast food from my local McDonald’s, I’m usually keen to get the hell out of that dump as soon as possible. The last thing I want is to forge a fucking relationship of any kind with the guy that’s just cooked my Big Mac.

CV Tip #62 (Cookery)

18 Sep

At the end of a CV: ‘I enjoy cooking a wide range of foods from foods with spice to food with dye’s.’

Yeah. Some employers will certainly not consider you if you can’t use dye to cook food with. It would have been better to leave it at simply ‘cooking’.

CV Tip #32 (Biased)

16 Sep

On a covering letter, it is slightly annoying having to read about how you admire the company products, sales and values, but this is still perfectly acceptable.

What isn’t acceptable is writing about how you use the product/s at a specific meal every fucking day because it is ‘my favourite’ – this demonstrates zero business acumen.

Planet Of The Apes (2001 dir. Tim Burton)

13 Aug

Unrestrained thespery, and poorly handled action sequences, sullies middle aged nerds’ cherished franchise.

1/5

Wall Street (1987 dir. Oliver Stone)

24 Jun

Underpinned by stock-trading gobbledygook, ruler of 80s yuppie shitheads commits common assault on apprentice yuppie shithead in the rain.

4/5

Play Time (1967 dir. Jacques Tati)

3 May

Idiot sound genius struggles to come to terms with late 60s technology in overly cleansed office complex.

4/5

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

27 Feb

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

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