Tag Archives: Christmas

BREAKING NEWS: Olly Murs’ ‘Guide To W**king’ WILL be released this Christmas

30 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Those looking for gift ideas this Christmas need worry no more, for the highly anticipated debut book by Olly Murs detailing the singer’s most advanced methods of self gratification will be available in time for December 25th.

Destined for the best seller lists, Mr Murs’ Guide To W**king has been maligned by troubles from the start. Sources close to the cockney claim the frequent delays were due in part to him wanting to practice and hone his craft to perfection before getting his methods down on paper.

Now puting the finishing touches, literally, to his work, Mr Murs, 31, is reportedly ‘exhausted but happy’.

Members of the Murs Army, a collection of mostly unattractive white teenage girls on Twitter, are hotly anticipating the title, as they are keen to learn exactly why so many fans of good music frequently dismiss their idol as ‘just a w**ker’.

And what of Mr Murs’ inspiration to pen such a controversial title?

‘When you make so many music videos starring women many times out of your league, it’s hard to resist the urge to make use of that welcoming box of tissues by your bed as you spend another cold night alone.’ commented Murs.

‘When I eventually get dropped from my record label, at least I will have masturbation to fall back on.’

The Olly Murs Guide To W**king will be available from all good kebab shops from December 10th.

Murs: Expert wanker?

Four Christmases (2008 dir. Seth Gordon)

14 Apr

Safe couple bring positives and negatives to four broken American mid-west households in December.

2/5

All I Want For Christmas (1991 dir. Robert Lieberman)

15 Dec

Charming battle of the classes sees poor man defeat rich man in gaining mating rites to middle aged woman’s fuckhole.

2/5

Does my coat look pink in this? Pat Butcher steps out for some lunch in Walford

11 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pat Butcher of Eastenders fame caught onlookers by surprise earlier this week as she stepped out for a Big Mac and chips during the filming of one of her Christmas death scenes.

Mrs Butcher, 88, looked devine in a bright pink trench coat, complete with synthetic fur collar and Christmas tree ear-rings. She had opted for a more under-stated make-up, displaying only three layers of foundation and a lighter tint to the usual dark blue eye shadow.

Trend setter: Pat demonstrates her own unique style

The pensioner, who has made love to nearly all males in Albert Square over 65, will leave the long-running soap opera this Christmas, when she will be riddled with machine gun bullets following a gangland slaying over unwashed pants at the laundrette.

Producers have let slip that it will be ‘like the end of Bonnie and Clyde, without Clyde and with a very overweight and old Bonnie’. The scenes, to be filmed later this week, will use several dozen squibs, the most ever used in the show’s history.

A pair of Pat’s earrings from 1993 recently fetched a staggering £13.86 on eBay, which solidified her status as one of the BBC’s most cherished stars.

A spokesperson for Pat has said she will live out the rest of her years in quiet retirement, alongside ‘eating more chips than anyone thought humanly possible’.

Pop Peelings wishes Pat the very best for the future.

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Brain Drain’ (1989) by The Ramones

21 Jun

By Slick Nick

It was the year 2000, Christmas day. The world would soon be partying. He had more important things on his mind.

The last few months had been a journey, a musical one. The days of only listening to Oasis and Prodigy albums seemed long gone. It was a thirst for loud, fast guitars and catchy melodies that drove him towards the burgeoning CD rack now.

He’d been studying hard as had his college friends – the A Levels would not pass themselves, after all.

Gotta have the A Levels so you can go to University, get a good job, nice home in the suburbs, Ford Mondeo, two kids…

It was a future within arms reach, and he’d be taking punk music along for the ride as well. Bands like Greenday, Offspring, Rancid and most treasured of all, The Ramones. These bands would never make crap music, would they?

He sat in his bedroom, Nesquik in hand, surverying this year’s payload from good ol’ Kris Kringle. Bad Religion’s ‘Suffer’ and ‘Generator’ albums lay at the side of the desk; they could wait. ‘We’re Outta Here’, the final Ramones show, sat close by in compact disc format; he’d bide his time, savour the rest of their discography, before enjoying that one. What he really wanted to do was play ‘Brain Drain’, their 1989 studio album he’d just recieved. The disturbing cover was alluring, and suggested an unforgettable listening experience. He couldn’t wait.

Merry Christmas.

He knew little of the band’s story but took simple pleasure in their early work. These short, catchy punk songs struck a bar chord with him. He’d always have the Ramones on when writing psychology essays.

He removed the seal of ‘Brain Drain’ and placed the CD in the stereo, a cheap device that would surely struggle to cope with the power of what would be unleashed. If the Ramones were close to the bone in the seventies, how extreme would they have become by the late eighties?

He pressed ‘play’.

A strange sensation washed over him, strange because he’d never felt it before whilst playing a Ramones album. It was a feeling he only got whilst listening to extremely shit music.

It’s punk, Jim, but not as we know it.

He laughed out loud at the thought. The eighties drum sound was unavoidable, but the problems ran far deeper into the heart of the album. It was fundamentally bad song-writing.

Opener ‘I Believe In Miracles’ was far too slow to begin a Ramones album, sounding tired and old compared to the likes of ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ years earlier. ‘Don’t Bust My Chops’ suffered from a distinct lack of melody. Years of alcoholism had taken its toll on Joey Ramone’s vocal chords; his singing was barely acceptable on this recording.

He continued to listen, hoping no family members would overhear. If Dad caught him mid way through ‘All Screwed Up’, he’d never live it down, especially after he always gave the old man such a hard time over his ‘shit’ music collection.

Would kill for some Mark Knopfler or Fairport Convention about now though, wouldn’t you?

He hit the ‘stop’ button and snatched the CD out of the stereo, recoiling as the cold, lifeless plastic touched his trembling hand. Yes, this was definitely a Ramones album. There had no been a mistake at the packaging plant. He longed to cast this monstrosity aside and never think about it again, but that was never an option.

‘I must finish what is begun.’

The second half began with ‘Pet Semetary’; disappointing book, terrible film, underwhelming song.

‘Learn To Listen’, despite its crappiness, reminded him of the early Ramones material. At a merciful length of 1.51, it was too little, too late.

He took a sip of Nesquik, wincing at the sweetness. He’d earned it.

‘Comeback Baby, Comeback’ was the album’s absolute low point. He’d only read about songs like these in Stephen King books. He never thought one would cross hs path for real.

Why are they being sexy? They’re not a sexy band, they’re not a…

Silence.

‘Merry Christmas I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight’ had faded out, closing the album, reminding him of Cliff Richard, making him realise what the season was all about. Family. Eastenders. The birth of Christ. It was not about bad music, at least not in unlicensed residential premises.

He returned the CD to its case. He stared one last time at the cover, the cover that promised so much.

He placed it in the CD rack, a giant plastic prison from which it would never escape. Many layers of dust would cover it in the years to come.

Lunch was ready. Time to join the family. They’d ask him what he’d been doing for the last 35.01 minutes. He wouldn’t say. The memories of the morning would only linger in the deepest, darkest corners of his mind.

He had hoped the events of that morning, where he sat through one of the worst albums ever made, would never be re-lived. Then a blog was created, one with barely any readers, that had a category covering terrible music. He knew what he had to do.

Merry fucking Christmas.

END

Scrooged (1988)

30 Dec

Arsehole TV exec type patronises ethnic minorities after supernatural encounters.

3/5

Cheryl Cole set to beat everyone at Wii Tennis at secret NYE party

28 Dec

By Slick Nick

Tyneside superstar Cheryl Cole/Tweedy is the firm favourite to win all games of Wii Tennis at a forthcoming new year’s eve house party, set to take place at a secret location in Newcastle.

The mimer and shampoo seller will take on friends and family in a contest some insiders are claiming to be ‘just for a bit of a laugh, like.’

Violent Tweedy shot to fame in 2003 after assaulting a nightclub toilet attendant in a racially-motivated attack. She then married a black man a few years later to prove that she wasn’t a massive racist afterall.

Tweedy said: ‘Wii Sports proved a challenge initially but when I set me mind to something, I always beat it, like.’

‘I have thoroughly enjoyed practicing for this match, and will thoroughly enjoy the match itself.’

‘Do you want to buy some shampoo or other hair stuff?’

Bookies have slashed odds in half for a Cole victory despite some industry experts predicting an upset win from an Uncle, whose carer has let him play the Wii every day since its release in 2006.

He said: ‘I’ll do me best against Cheryl this week and hopefully I’ll at least get a sniff of her perfume when we’re playing together, like.’

‘There is one Christmas game she’ll never beat me at though – ‘hide the gin bottle from mam’ we call it.’

Cheryl Cole will probably have a book or CD or something else out in a few weeks that isn’t worth talking about.

Gremlins (1984)

27 Dec

Highly-evolved unclassified species instantly picks up practical theories of complex electrical circuitry as hell comes to It’s A Wonderful Life.

3/5

Diana Vickers ‘very grateful’ after receiving Inception on DVD for Christmas

26 Dec

By Slick Nick

X Factor runner-up Diana Vickers surprised family members today by thanking them sincerely after receiving a brand new DVD of the motion picture Inception.

The singer, well known for her shunning of foot wear, was surprised to receive the critically acclaimed film following the creation of a Christmas wish list that largely comprised of perfume, shoes, pop CDs and a subscription to National Geographic magazine.

Diana’s Nan said: ‘I’d noticed favourable reviews for this DVD and bought it on impulse for Diana from a local branch of Blockbusters that had recently filed for bankruptcy. The shop assistant warned me that the first 45 minutes was largely exposition, but I know Diana’s a bright girl and could easily cope with some intelligent cinema.’

‘He was a very nice lad. It’s such a shame that the highstreet rental business model is virtually dead now due to the internet. Anyway, I hear the branch of W H Smiths down the road are recruiting.’

Diana herself was unavailable for comment, but those present have confirmed beliefs that the star of plays very few people can afford to attend was genuinely grateful and ‘looking forward to watching it with the commentaries’.

Diana’s new exercise DVD ‘Stumble Your Way To Slimdom’ is temporarily unavailable due to the manufacturer having to deal with a flooding issue.

Monsters (2010)

24 Dec

Two dullards walk across a giant rubbish tip in exploitation of genuine human misery.

2/5

Miracle On 34th Street (1994)

24 Dec

Jurassic Park CEO name drops Christianity handiwork whilst perpetuating Coca Cola advert.

1/5

Die Hard (1988)

22 Dec

Managing Director of Aryan robbers fails to inspire festive cheer by reading Christmas message from elevator carcass.

5/5


Bad Santa (2003)

28 Nov

Part-time burgler in fancy dress becomes addicted to anal sex and whiskey.

3/5


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