Never swear on a CV.
Always remain positive.
And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.
Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:
‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’
Always tailor an application form to your audience and pay particular attention to the country’s cultural diversity at all times. Spouting Biblical nonsense at any time is strictly forbidden:
‘Soft hearted but strong in my conviction and integrity., live a good healthy habit and most of all a God fearing and live a life with principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.’
It’s never a good idea to put a photo of yourself on a CV or covering letter for an application in the UK, even if you happen to be easy on the eyes. It just isn’t the done thing.
So, avoid doing this at all possible costs if you look a fucking main cast member from the Australian soap opera Prisoner: Cell Block H.
From the opening statement on a CV: ‘I am looking to lunch in the public sector job.’
Apart from the disappointing use of the Queen’s English, you shouldn’t already appear to be thinking about your fucking snack breaks even before bagging an interview.
On a covering letter, it is slightly annoying having to read about how you admire the company products, sales and values, but this is still perfectly acceptable.
What isn’t acceptable is writing about how you use the product/s at a specific meal every fucking day because it is ‘my favourite’ – this demonstrates zero business acumen.
When wrapping up a CV, pay close heed to the order of activities listed in your interests, lest you leave some interesting images in the recruiter’s mind:
‘…other interests, church, Christianity, The Bible, motocross and enduro-rally…’
When you’ve been working at managerial level for a few years, it’s expected that in an interview you’d be able to discuss a wide variety of examples to meet many different competencies.
So when you’re asked about a time where you had to give a difficult message to someone, and your response is ‘telling someone you love them‘, it will only serve to disappoint the interviewer.
Working in a fast food establishment is pretty much the kiss of death for your employability if stated on a CV, but well done for scraping some positives out of the despair:
‘This allowed me to become skilled at dealing with large quantities of hungry customers face to face during the lunch time rush hour.’
Traditionally, the CV is a way to sell yourself to a company, to outline all your life’s work, relevant skills and impresisve experience that you’ve been fortunate enough to gain. A few bullet points on key achievements usually go down a treat as well, particularly in a recession where everyone and their mother are applying for the same fucking jobs.
This sort of sentence wouldn’t even be recommended, however, at the end of a CV, much less at the beginning:
‘I am inspired by my surroundings; by the appearance of the land, nature and objects upon it, of their various and changing forms, colours and textures.’
If at any point in your life your CV contains the following sentence, make sure you kill yourself immediately:
‘Approaching people in the street to persuade them to support a charity.’
By stating that you were born in Gloucester hospital on your CV, do you really think the world will be your fucking oyster?