Tag Archives: Epic

Spartacus (1960 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

14 May

Christ-like slave with perfect teeth and modern haircut inspires ancestors of Daily Mirror readers to brutal deaths.

5/5

IMDB

Empire Of The Sun (1987 dir. Steven Spielberg)

26 Dec

Atom bomb nearly used as metaphor for the onset of teen masturbation.

3/5

IMDB

Amistad (1997 dir. Steven Spielberg)

3 Dec

Shouting using various languages in court.

2/5

IMDB

The Birth of a Nation (1915 dir. D. W. Griffith)

17 Jan

Like a Michael Bay-directed Fox News history piece employing TOWIE make-up techniques.

4/5

The Bridge On The River Kwai (1957 dir. David Lean)

13 Nov

British gent plans and executes gross act of terrorism on another British gent’s impressive civil engineering feat.

4/5

The Eagle (2011 dir. Kevin Macdonald)

26 Oct

Male model loses alpha status to slave boy in poor man’s Gladiator.

1/5

Troy (2004 dir. Wolfgang Petersen)

4 Oct

The fuckhole of one lady brings about the death of thousands of male models at the beach.

3/5

Zulu (1964 dir. Cy Endfield)

20 Aug

New record is set for greatest number of bare tits and gun fatalities depicted in a PG-rated picture.

3/5

Little Buddha (1993 dir. Bernardo Bertolucci)

18 Aug

The sight of half-naked fellas in the woods inspires Matrix Christ to instigate new hairstyle with a single knife cut.

3/5

The Last Temptation Of Christ (1988 dir. Martin Scorcese)

7 Aug

Director of Christianity gets the horn during death after forming a short-lived gang in pre-Biblican times.

2/5

Barry Lyndon (1975 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

23 Jun

Surrounded by near motionless extras, Irish slugger improves wardrobe over several years.

4/5

Flesh+Blood (1985 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

8 Jun

Mercenary team leader takes ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ seduction theory to extremes by raping and attempting to murder desired lady.

3/5

Alexander (2004 dir. Oliver Stone)

22 May

Length of protagonist’s flowing locks at various times aids understanding of confusing, non-linear narrative.

3/5

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