Tag Archives: Food

JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

18 Mar

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.


Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.


CV Tip #62 (Cookery)

18 Sep

At the end of a CV: ‘I enjoy cooking a wide range of foods from foods with spice to food with dye’s.’

Yeah. Some employers will certainly not consider you if you can’t use dye to cook food with. It would have been better to leave it at simply ‘cooking’.

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick


Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

Cool Hand Luke (1967)

17 Feb

Christ-like salad dressing CEO demonstrates little willpower for curbing dairy consumption.


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