Tag Archives: Health

JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

18 Mar

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.

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Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

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