Tag Archives: HR

CV Tip #199 (Margie!)

13 Dec

From a CV, complete with exclamation mark for some reason:

Margie was my team manager!”

Nice. Everyone knows Margie, right? Good ol’ Margie! Anyone that has worked for her can pretty much walk into any job they wish to.

I’m willing to bet that no recruiter or hiring manager gives a fuck about Margie, much less wants to read about her on a CV.

CV TIPS

margie

CV Tip #132 (Gordon Gecko)

12 Dec

Opening line on a CV:

“A well-dressed individual.”

Fucking fantastic. Forget skills, knowledge, experience, qualifications… if you’ve got some nice shirts in your wardrobe, that’s all you need.

CV TIPS

gordon

CV Tip #106 (Brain surgeon)

11 Dec

Talk yourself up on a CV for sure but don’t get too analytical and made ridiculous statements about your own neurobiological construct:

“My brain consist of passion (30%), brave(25%), creative idea (25%) , kind and honest(20%)”

CV TIPS

brain

CV Tip #127 (Brian wilson)

10 Dec

“I play piano (badly) and guitar (less badly)”

Fucking brilliant. When can you start?

CV TIPS

brian wilson

CV Tip #144 (NEETs)

9 Dec

The covering letter is a sales tool for yourself, a pamphlet if you will, there to excite employers at the prospect of meeting you.

It is not a document for modesty (or stupidity):

“NO – I DON’T HAVE A DIRECT AND ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO APPLY FOR THIS POPSSITION
NO – I’M NOT A SPECIALIST IN COMAPRE TO JOB DESCRIPTION I’VE READ ON YOUR ADVERT
NO – I’M NOT A MANAGER, EXECUTIVE, HOD, BRAND OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF REVELANT PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO HIRE”

CV TIPS

neats.

CV Tip #173 (The Holy Bable)

8 Dec

Let me say this once and for all; praying is not a hobby. It’s a deeply flawed and futile waste of time.

It’s also not worth stating on a CV, especially if you’re also demonstrating your total ineptness at writing English.

“I Enjoy Praying Jehovah God Yoroba Host, Watching TV Sport, News, Attending Bable Class,”

CV TIPS

 bable

CV Tip #161 (Mr Moustache)

7 Dec

“I have been known to grow moustaches for Movember.”

Brilliant. What a great attribute to put on a CV, the fact that you’ve sat there for one month in the year and not bothered to shave.

CV TIPS

mr moustache

CV Tip #105 (Mr Motivator)

7 Dec

Always remember that the CV is useful for a potential employer to decide whether you have the skills and experience to add value to the organisation.

Therefore, never put this line on a CV ever:

“I have helped a few of my friends become healthier and fitter.”

CV TIPSmotivator

CV Tip #128 (Birmingham City)

25 May

This is from the candidate summary section from a job board CV database:

‘Available now, living in London. I have 4 kids and am a keen hill walker, Birmingham City supporter. What more is there to say’

Indeed, what more is there to say? How about a fucking objective? Some punctuation wouldn’t hurt either.

JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

18 Mar

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.

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Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

11 Mar

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

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Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

JOB AD: Factory Manager in Schindler’s List

5 Jul

Factory General Manager – Krakow, Poland – Perm – EUR30-50k + 5 days holiday

Are you an experienced manufacturing professional looking for a new challenge? Due to a recent invasion, we now have a fantastic opportunity for a permanent Factory General Manager (FGM) to be fully accountable for a new manufacturing venture set to take full advantage of the recent surge in demand for army mess kits.

You will be fully responsible for plant, profit, people and process, as well as being accountable to our shareholders in the National Socialist German Worker’s Party.

To succeed in this role, you will need outstanding leaderships skills and will enjoy inspiring others to consistently meet and exceed challenging volume targets, within agreed timescales. The FGM will have a Site Engineering Manager, two Manufacturing Managers, a HR Manager and several Team Managers reporting into him/her.

Ideally candidates will have come from a continuous manufacturing environment and have knowledge of either Six Sigma, Kaizen or other Lean manufacturing methodology. Philanthropists will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Eyes on the prize: The FGM should have energy and enthusiasm in abundance

With the threat of death hanging over their heads at all times, our shopfloor team members occasionally lose focus and motivation. Therefore, our new FGM will be expected to design and implement appropriate cultural initiatives to make sure the Krakow plant is seen as a fun place to work and an employer of choice.

Apart from a generous salary and benefits package, the successful candidate will be given a complimentary mess kit as a sign-on bonus, and will also have access to their very own Jewish accountant.

If this sounds like the role for you, please visit one of the heavily-armed guards at checkpoint 12.b at the Krakow Ghetto, Poland, to arrange a confidential discussion.

JOB AD: Head of Corleone Family

7 Jun

Chief Executive – Global Export Company – Temp – $negotiable + Car + Cat


Have you ever wanted to be fully accountable for a global P&L worth circa $500 million? Due to a near fatal shooting, we now have an interim requirement (6-24 mnths) for an experienced crime manager to control the strategic and operational projects of the Corleone Family. Based in New York and reporting in to absolutely no one, you will head up all business units specialising in extortion, gambling, racketeering, loan-sharking, bribery, murder and the exporting of kitchen-based commodities (knowledge of the olive oil market particularly desirable).

This is a very hands-off role and candidates should feel comfortable deligating significant amounts of work to management working within an organisational structure built around the Roman army. Knowledge of opening up new markets for horizontal and verticle revenue streams, for example in Nevada, will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Don Vito Corleone, CEO, addresses shareholders in 2009

The Corleone Family is an organisation that prides itself on internal promotions, particularly among blood relatives, so a critical component of this role will be in talent management and succession planning, both strategically and operationally.

The post of Corleone Family CEO is one of the most rewarding and challenging in the whole of organised crime, and requires a strong influencer of senior stakeholders eg. statesmen, judges, film producers etc. as well as a high degree of resiliance (candidates should be comfortable with at least one attempt on their lives during the duration of this FTC).

Italian-American elder preferred, though individuals with relevant experience will still be considered.

* PLEASE NOTE – THE SUCCESSFUL APPLICANT WILL BE REQUIRED TO PASS A PRE-EMPLOYMENT MEDICAL ASSESSMENT; ABSOLUTELY NO RECREATIONAL DRUG USERS TO APPLY. *

Candidates should send a current CV and letter of interest to Tom O’Hagen (GermanIrish863@lycos.com), who will conduct initial telephone screenings at the end of July.

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