Tag Archives: ITV

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

11 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

Channel 4 finally secures rights to Frankie Cocozza autopsy

16 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

After a lengthy bidding war involving ITV2 and ITV4, Channel 4 has now been confirmed as the network that will be able to broadcast a live autopsy of hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza.

The X Factor reject is still alive, reports have confirmed, though with his lifestyle of excessive drug use and vaginal penetrations, many believe it is unlikely he will reach thirty.

Producers are hoping to involve Gunther von Hagens in the show. The German eccentric warmed the hearts of viewers recently by hacking up dead bodies and lining the studio with their internal organs on live television. He is reportedly asking for a fixed six-figure fee and a month’s supply of sausages.

Scalpel at the read: Gunther poses with his wife of 19 years

Rumours suggest the programme will be shown in three 2-hour episodes, the first two being the dissection itself and the third episode a spin-off hosted by Peter Andre and the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

Mr Cocozza, 27, garnered a huge fanbase after failing to hold even a single note on 2011’s series of the primetime singing contest.

He said: ‘The careful observers out there will know that I cannot sing or offer anything else in the way of employability, so I am grateful to Channel 4 for giving me the opportunity to contribute to medical science.’

‘Maybe after I am gone, scientists will finally know the secrets to how babies are made.’

Chuffed: Cocozza poses for fans outside a Brighton job center

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

Adrian Chiles WILL legally change name to ‘Unnamed Premiership Footballer’ to improve chances with women

13 Jun

By Slick Nick

When a man and woman come together in the act of love, it can be a beautiful thing, however some of us appear to have been dealt differing hands when it comes to the ability to attract the opposite sex. Perhaps this is why veteran television presenter Adrian Chiles has finally decided, after days of speculation, to go ‘all in’ with a complete overhaul of his name.

The unfortunately-faced caucasian, 56, will from the 23rd June this year be known legally as Mr Unnamed Premiership Footballer Chiles, relenquishing his maiden name in the hope of enjoying easier access to female reproductive organs.

Forsaken: Even a mother would struggle to love this face

He said: ‘I am fed up of never having any luck with women.’

‘Having read the papers lately, it seems all these chaps that are always ball-deep in skirt have one thing in common – their name.’

Mr Chiles also attributes much of his career failings, as well as an unhealthy addiction to strawberry Yop, on the seemingly inhuman features he was bestowed upon at birth. Having once been tipped to win the much lauded ‘presenter of the year’ award at now-defunct TV Quick magazine, he now scrapes a living by hosting virtually pointless shows that very few people watch or have even heard of.

One of Mr Chiles’s very few friends, weapons dealer Richard Wilkes, has witnessed the rise and fall first hand.

He commented: ‘I’ve seen Adrian clear entire rooms of humanity. People would do well to remember that he is also thoroughly unlikable on a personal level, as well as having a frankly nightmarish face.’

Glory days: A young Chiles anchors ITV's coverage of the 1990 World Cup

So is Mr Chiles counting down the days until the big day?

He went on: ‘I cannot fucking wait to get out there and start sowing my seed. You can never have too many Adrian Chiles in the world.’

‘Plus in 1996 Gary Lineker bet me I’d never get to use the packet of Durex Extra Tingly condoms I’ve had in my bedside drawer all these years.’

‘Well big ears, if you’re reading, the joke’s on you now!’

Adrian Chiles as we know him can be seen struggling to capture viewers’ attention on ITV’s rivetting Daybreak program on weekday mornings.

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

RELIEF: ‘suspicious package’ sent to Jason Gardiner turns out to be forgotten Coleen Nolan biography from eBay

16 May

By Slick Nick

After days of intense speculation, a suspicious package sent to the home of Celebrity Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner has turned out to be a forgotten eBay win.

The homosexual, 61, playing the role of ‘arsehole’ on the show which apparently gives celebrity status to any no-mark that’s happened to thumb through a copy of Heat magazine, had come to the conclusion that the parcel contained a bomb.

He said: ‘I am dislikable and relevant enough to have threats on my life. Honestly.’

Flatcaps maketh the man?

The parcel arrived this past Thursday at Gardiner’s home address via recorded delivery, after which the police, MI5 and the FBI were alerted to the events. These organisations repordly then told The ITV star to ‘stop wasting their fucking time.’

Thankfully, the parcel only contained the slightly less life-threatening hardback book detailing the highs and mostly lows of tedious daytime TV queen Coleen Nolan. The 984-page biography was won in an eBay auction three weeks prior to the delivery, from a seller with only six previous transactions. The inexperience of such an individual led Gardiner to incorrectly suspect that the item would never actually arrive.

Popular: 99 used copies available on Amazon for £0.01

He continued: ‘I am so happy to have been proven wrong.’

‘Not only has my body not been decimated by an explosive device, but now I have an excellent book to read at bedtime. As a bonus, the package also contained enough bubble-wrap to keep me entertained for days on end.’

Gardiner’s management went on to confirm that the expert in telling people how shit they are at ice skating is now in two minds on whether or not to write a positive review for eBay member Anakin_8353, such was the delay in delivery.

Jason Gardiner’s instructional ice skating DVD will be available from all good Chinese take-aways in early June.

Charity shops bracing themselves for rumoured Vanilla Ice comeback album

6 Mar

By Slick Nick

Senior management in charity shops across the nation are rumoured to be in the process of planning for a suspected Vanilla Ice comeback album. The crisis talks commenced on Monday 28th February.

The Eminem blueprint, 49, was recently given the boot from godawful ITV show Dancing on Ice after many years out of the spotlight. It is thought that Mr Ice will use his newfound fame to leverage a one album deal from a record label with extremely low standards. Pictured below in his 70s heyday, he is thought by insiders to be extremely keen to enjoy a regular income stream again, rather than relying on occasional gardening jobs in the Beverly Hills area.

Richard Wilkes, 50, Senior Vice President of Shelf Planning at the Barnardos group, has been working around the clock with a team of advisors to anticipate when the release of this album may be in order to make sure adequate space is available in stores for future donations.

He said: ‘When a sad old pop star is dusted off for a current reality TV show, it is always a concern and can put a great deal of pressure on our staff if a new album does get released. They will usually be crap novelty gifts that cannot even be re-sold on eBay, so people use charity shops to offload them by the ton.’

‘We’re not getting caught out again like we were with the last Peter Andre release. We’ll be moving the Russell Brand books, Dr Who videos, puzzles and Joe McElderry singles well in advance of any Vanilla Ice recording contract being signed.’

Vanilla Ice’s album will likely be released on compact disc and be availabile from all participating Little Chef restaurants

Joe McElderry due to have opinion on something

23 Jan

By Slick Nick

Joe McElderry, winner of 2009’s X Factor, is suspected of being in the process of forming an opinion on something.

The pop failure, 29, is strongly believed to be planning the communication of this opinion to coincide with the next release in his troubled music career.

Insiders are keeping tightly-lipped on the situation, though we would speculate the singer’s view would likely be on someone else’s new single or album which will undoubtedly sell more units than his own. Other likely topics would be declaring a recent global tragedy as ‘bad’, Cheryl Cole and the recent baby storylines in Eastenders.

Despite winning the prime time ITV karaoke contest with a staggering 486 votes, the clean-cut Geordie has struggled to win over the record-buying public like previous contestants. His album even failed to chart in Germany, whilst recent single ‘Someone Wake Me Up’ only sold nine copies.

He said: ‘Hopefully when this opinion of mine hits the middle pages of the tabloids, it will make the public realise that the music I’ve recorded is actually amazing.’

‘I just need to sell some records. The job market up in South Shields is pretty shit at the moment.’

 

Joe McElderry’s music releases are gradually being delisted by most highstreet stores.

 

“I fucking love being in this band – you’re never too far away from a mob of ugly pre-pubescent chicks.”

17 Dec

Why write on paper when you have a human face handy?

“Shovelling popcorn and dispensing cola for 8 hours a day plays havock with your hand skin!”

11 Dec

'Do you want sweet or salty (lol) popcorn?'

“Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going and then you might have this many (two) fans!”

11 Dec

He's the man girls want and the man boys want to be

“Whilst I am usually morose and ‘intense’, occasionally I make people shit themselves laughing by pulling an out of character wacky face. Give it a few months and you’ll never hear from me again, I swear.”

11 Dec

This will make you spit tea over your monitor

“My name is Wagner. I am here to relax the brown seller of hand jobs to secure private discount.”

11 Dec

He'll want to wash his hands afterwards

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