Hoffa (1992 dir. Danny DeVito)

Well-nosed thesp unites Daily Mirror readers against Daily Telegraph readers.

3/5

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The Missouri Breaks (1976 dir. Arthur Penn)

Mega thesps wasted in the name of horse economics.

2/5

Heartburn (1986 dir. Mike Nichols)

Boring life leads to boring biopic.

1/5

Something’s Gotta Give (2003 dir. Nancy Meyers)

Perennial skirt-bagger swaps young, sexy, fun-loving fanny for haggered, complex, emotionally-scarred fanny.

3/5

The Pledge (2001 dir. Sean Penn)

Whilst surrounded by uglies, legendary actor attempts to avoid looking bored.

2/5

Carnal Knowledge (1971 dir. Mike Nichols)

Two chums discuss and engage in fuckery.

2/5

Prizzi’s honor (1985 dir. John Huston)

Hitman must face a lifetime of doing his own hoovering and washing up due to blood oath.

3/5

Five Easy Pieces (1970 dir. Bob Rafelson)

Oil man does virtually nothing of interest before porking heavily-gummed sister in law.

3/5

The Two Jakes (1990 dir. Jack Nicholson)

Between being asked to leave several locations, private detective solves mystery using his penis.

3/5

Anger Management (2003 dir. Peter Segal)

Like The Game, with mildly amusing comedy skits.

2/5

About Schmidt (2002 dir. Alexander Payne)

Old timer has lowkey encounter with jacuzzi udders in lowkey roadtrip drama.

3/5

Mars Attacks! (1996 dir. Tim Burton)

Largely unnecessary ensemble cast defeat 60s aliens with hick music.

2/5

Chinatown (1974 dir. Roman Polanski)

Yet again, titted half of Bonnie & Clyde gets blown away in ancient automobile.

5/5

Easy Rider (1969 dir. Dennis Hopper)

Unconventional editing, and murder of counter-culture types, inspires many better film makers to start work.

4/5

A Few Good Men (1992)

Amateurish military lawyer struggles to get proper baseball game started whilst defending two US army cliches in beautiful court room.

3/5

As Good As It Gets (1997)

Borderline sociopath offers to pay Ghostbuster invoices for a downtrodden waitress.

4/5

The Bucket List (2007)

Two Hollywood veterans consider firing agents after too much blue-screen work.

2/5