Tag Archives: Kerry Katona

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

Giggs: ‘I am the Christ’

31 May

By Slick Nick

Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.

Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.

Innocent times: Pictured in 2010 many months before news broke of the alleged dickings

Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.

Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.

Stars: Giggs and United team mates celebrate winning 2011's Premier League

Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.

He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’

‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’

‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’

Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.

Too much alcohol causes mild hangover for Kerry Katona

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

This morning, reality TV royal Kerry Katona was suffering a mild hangover following a night of drinking alcohol.

The divorcee had consumed one bottle of wine and two bottles of WKD on a night some insiders claim to be ‘unremarkable.’

She said: ‘I forgot to drink water before going to bed. It was a rookie mistake which I am ashamed of.’

The hangover, likely caused by a loss of water and potassium, is not something Ms Katona is a stranger to.

‘My mum used to make her own Moonshine in a neighbour’s garden when we were kids. Drinking this saved us a load of money, and helped me confront bullies in school with a more confident swagger.’

‘I am just relieved I stopped at two WKDs. Anymore and I might have felt a bit rough all the way up to 11am!’

Kerry Katona’s book ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Cheap Frozen Appetisers’ is available now from all good motorway service stations.

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