Tag Archives: Mary Byrne

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

“Yeeeeeeah! Finally made it; appearing on a show that no one watches.”

6 Dec

Next stop Leno?

“Louis I have to push for an answer. Which one of these contestants is most likely to lose a foot to diabetes in the next ten years?”

5 Dec

Definitely worth having a final sing-off

“Catch the falling cheese burgers Mary! LOL only joking, I’ve called security to have you escorted from the premises.”

5 Dec

Big boned, and the bones are covered in meat and old skin

“I could reeeeally use an insulin injection before I go into a diabetic coma!”

4 Dec

She is often seen shopping in Evans

“Gonna rock the stage with my considerable bulk! Someone re-enforce this thing with titanium steel.”

28 Nov

She likes a bit of food

“Guess which one of us had three pizzas for dinner tonight?”

25 Nov

He's contractually obliged to hug her

“Yep, it’s 9.30am and I’m just on my way to get my third Big Mac of the day.”

22 Nov

Fatties always do well in the pop charts

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