Tag Archives: Matt Cardle

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

27 Feb

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

“Looking at our clothes and bank balances, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were the archetypal John Hughes middle American parent types. We actually created a deadbeat painter that won a TV show in Britain.”

18 Dec

 

Only now do they look Matt in the eye

“Ok ok ok… When I say ‘brothers’, I really mean ‘PR tools’.”

18 Dec

Equal ops gone wrong

“The flames are supposed to represent hell Rhianna, but you’ve not seen hell until you’ve been on the pavement outside Yates’s in Colchester town center on a Sunday morning.”

12 Dec

That is a look of scorn like no other

 

“That’s it love, you take it in the mouth. This is how we do it back home in the toilets of Wetherspoon’s.”

11 Dec

Symbiotic relationship

“Keith Richards and John Lennon were never out of the tanning salon.”

8 Dec

This PR has a quiet dignity about it

“Yesssss! Another week where I don’t have to beg my wealthy and disappointed parents for pocket money!”

5 Dec

For one week, no more painting

“Just strumming along on my guitar using power chords that would take any simpleton a week to learn! I am a serious musical artist.”

5 Dec

Just wait until he does a solo

“Yes I do intend to always have these noticable white earphones in when being photographed, lest people forget I am a MUSIC artist.”

23 Nov

He hates the cold

“Aw righ’ darlin’? I forgot all me fackin’ clobber! Human centipede? More like human sexypede, lol!”

21 Nov

Film criticism

“Do I listen to power metal, play Games Workshop, debate the merits of the Xbox 360 against the PS3 on internet forums and masturbate over images of Princess Leia in the gold bikini, or do I just look so incredibly ‘current’?”

20 Nov

The next Cliff Richard, or a dork?

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