Tag Archives: Oliver Stone

Savages (2012 dir. Oliver Stone)

31 Dec

Legendary director paints south Americans in a bad light for once.

3/5

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South of The Border (2010 dir. Oliver Stone)

27 Jan

Fox News antidote sees Vietnam vet discussing angry Hispanics in crowded rooms.

3/5

Oliver Stone makes progress on John Terry biopic

7 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Oscar-winning film director Oliver Stone is reportedly half way through writing the screenplay to an epic movie based upon the life of disgraced Premiership footballer John Terry.

The film will be financed by Dreamworks studios with a budget of around $200 million, with principle photography set to begin in September 2012.

Hollywood veteran Stone already has a number of titles under his belt that deal with the trials and tribulations of humans that have caused significant pain and suffering to others. Previous subjects have included Alexander The Great, who enslaved half the world, George W. Bush, who masterminded the illegal Iraq oil wars of the noughties after a rigged election win and Fidel Castro, whose shady politics saw his entire nation of Cuba go without all-American imports such as Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s for fifty years and counting.

Beast: The famous 'baby kidnapping' incident of 2011

Stone’s latest epic, simply titled ‘John’, will tell the story of the England captain’s early beginnings stealing lunch money from fellow school pupils at Barking’s Facepunch High School in the late 1980s, through to his rise to power of one of London’s most feared crime organisations – Chealsea FC.

It is rumoured that scenes depicting Mr Terry’s various known assaults will be ‘some of the most violent ever filmed’ according to Empire magazine.

Stone has chosen not to focus on the countless married women that have shared a bed with the racist footballing hero, saving the stories for the ‘Terrynova’ film, a potential sequel.

The Hollywood legend has assured the film community that he will do everything in his power to ensure that ‘John’ is given an 18 certificate by the BBFC as ‘no children should have to see this monster’.

The nation will be getting behind Mr Terry in his campaign to lead England to victory in this year’s European championships.

U Turn (1997 dir. Oliver Stone)

1 Sep

After boning his incredible daughter, shabby small-towner steals a gay kiss then gets brutally murdered.

2/5

Comandante (2003 dir. Oliver Stone)

27 Aug

Sympathiser of controversial political types, with cheap cameras,  paints controversial Hispanic political type in sympathetic light.

2/5

World Trade Center (2006 dir. Oliver Stone)

20 Aug

Narrative pace slows considerably when brash New York constables spend two-thirds of running time under rubble in a single location.

3/5

Nixon (1995 dir. Oliver Stone)

17 Aug

Hannibal Lecter gets elected President by sweating profusely and cracking bad jokes, before bowing out disgracefully.

3/5

Heaven & Earth (1993 dir. Oliver Stone)

12 Aug

Persistent G.I. whisks sexual peasant girl away from hell to experience the euphoria of canned food.

3/5

Salvador (1986 dir. Oliver Stone)

25 Jul

Hard drinking, hard fucking snapper gives away several nice watches on bullet-ridden holiday.

3/5

JFK (1991 dir. Oliver Stone)

9 Jun

By watching non-widescreen footage, ensemble cast attempt to work out exactly who blew Irish-American president’s brains the fuck out of his skull in luxury vehicle.

5/5

W. (2008 dir. Oliver Stone)

3 Jun

Driven by country music and full sugar soft drinks, grown-up Goonie becomes world’s most powerful cattle rancher.

3/5

Alexander (2004 dir. Oliver Stone)

22 May

Length of protagonist’s flowing locks at various times aids understanding of confusing, non-linear narrative.

3/5

Born On The Fourth Of July (1989 dir. Oliver Stone)

30 Apr

Angry Vietnam archetypes bond over gambling, wheelchairs and tequila, after lead shouter offends mother with detailed penis monologue.

4/5

Any Given Sunday (1999 dir. Oliver Stone)

4 Dec

Scarface shouts irritable African-American sports jocks to victory alongside soundtrack of very mixed quality.

3/5


Scarface (1983)

23 Nov

Foul-mouthed Spaniard enjoys dated music before demonstrating military-grade weaponry to gate crashers.

3/5

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