Surreal tale charts Inception carrot-dicked gent’s parcipitation in world’s worst dance floor in mental asylum.
By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings
Oscar-winning film director Oliver Stone is reportedly half way through writing the screenplay to an epic movie based upon the life of disgraced Premiership footballer John Terry.
The film will be financed by Dreamworks studios with a budget of around $200 million, with principle photography set to begin in September 2012.
Hollywood veteran Stone already has a number of titles under his belt that deal with the trials and tribulations of humans that have caused significant pain and suffering to others. Previous subjects have included Alexander The Great, who enslaved half the world, George W. Bush, who masterminded the illegal Iraq oil wars of the noughties after a rigged election win and Fidel Castro, whose shady politics saw his entire nation of Cuba go without all-American imports such as Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s for fifty years and counting.
Stone’s latest epic, simply titled ‘John’, will tell the story of the England captain’s early beginnings stealing lunch money from fellow school pupils at Barking’s Facepunch High School in the late 1980s, through to his rise to power of one of London’s most feared crime organisations – Chealsea FC.
It is rumoured that scenes depicting Mr Terry’s various known assaults will be ‘some of the most violent ever filmed’ according to Empire magazine.
Stone has chosen not to focus on the countless married women that have shared a bed with the racist footballing hero, saving the stories for the ‘Terrynova’ film, a potential sequel.
The Hollywood legend has assured the film community that he will do everything in his power to ensure that ‘John’ is given an 18 certificate by the BBFC as ‘no children should have to see this monster’.
The nation will be getting behind Mr Terry in his campaign to lead England to victory in this year’s European championships.
By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings
This time of year is notable for two things; lengthier and more numerous episodes of soap operas, and people posting their lists of the best and shittest things of the year on the internet.
I don’t want to be negative for a change so instead I present the below official list, after much deliberation, of my top 5 films of 2011. What a treat the last 12 months has been for film buffs, despite clunkers like Warrior and Rise of The Planet of The Apes.
5. The Green Hornet
Seth Rogen cements his repuation as the greatest actor of his generation yet again with this, his finest performance to date. His conflicted hero must decide whether to use his man servant’s skills in the kitchen or on the street in a gripping neo-noir crime yarn featuring some of the best fight sequences to hit a cinema since the original Karate Kid’s climactic final sports montage in 1984.
Alongside the scathing social commentary which mocks the government’s ability to handle street thuggery, Rogen injects the action with his ‘loud Jew’ patented brand of humour.
Despite it only being seen by a handful of single men, Green Hornet remains a triumph of pure Hollywood blockbuster cinema.
4. Just Go With It
No ‘best of’ list would be complete without the cutting wit of an Adam Sandler romantic comedy – step forward, ‘Just Go with It’, and take a bow, for you have delivered two hours of belly laughs and heart, essentially a ‘Before Sunrise’ for the Jersey Shore generation.
We are thrust head first into a familiar world, that of a filthy rich plastic surgeon using lies and trickery in order to secure regular access to a much younger female’s mating holes, whilst illustrating modern society’s consumerist tendencies. Lust, deception, greed… this film has it all, along with one of Jennifer Aniston’s more remarkable post-Rachel-from-Friends performances in which she depicts a slightly older, skinnier Rachel from Friends.
3. The Dilemma
The surprise heavy drama hit of the year, this is bound to scoop an overwhelming bounty of awards come Oscar season, and yet ‘The Dilemma’ is always a film that knows what it is. The minimalist narrative is simply a springboard for the character-driven tale to take shape, in which a man with testicles for eyes must decide whether or not to tell his blubbery best friend that his girlfriend’s cervix has been used as a dumping ground for the sperm cells of another suitor.
Naturally, I was gripped whilst the film built towards its thrilling conclusion.
Stars Vince Vaughn and Kevin James build exemplary screen chemistry together by looking alike and talking very fast at all times, something rarely seen in contemporary cinema.
A challenging spectacle, the tonally uneven genre stance (comedy? drama? romance?) left many of the dozens who saw this a little bewildered, but it’s really the repeat viewings that unravel the little intricacies of ‘The Dilemma’ to a satisfying end. Also worthy of note is Channing Tatum’s inclusion in which the chiselled thesp delivers another world class cameo.
2. The Smurfs
Many dismissed this action epic as a ‘crap’ kids flick, but rest assured, it is more than the sum of its parts. ‘The Smurfs’ deals with hard-hitting issues like racial tension, immigration and incest, all the while encouraging its audience to improve their diet by consuming large amounts of M&Ms.
The fictional community of the Smurfs, built on traditional Christian values, finds itself colliding head-on with the modern technologically-driven corporate governed New York City. Alpha male Papa Smurf finds his authority tested and his followers on the brink of revolution until a couple of open-minded liberal humans step in to help defeat the ringleader named Gargamel, who represents the threat of globalisation on indigenous populations and the developing world. I can’t quite remember but I believe he promises the tribe more than one female per village.
This is heavy stuff. A kids flick? I think not. ‘The Smurfs’ functions as a challenging indictment of America’s foreign policy, and is bloody hilarious in places. When Gargamel cannot function in a retail outlet, I couldn’t help but applaud the subtle irony.
1. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
One of the year’s low-key releases, this latest installment in the never-ending Twilight narrative is quite simply one of the greatest films ever made. From start to finish, it is a heart-stopping journey into the lives of minority groups in modern America.
The compelling relationship between a vampire and a caucasian female reaches its thrilling conclusion as the pair wed in a touching hour, which inspires hope for the future whilst riffing on liberal immigration issues, particularly that of mixed race marriages.
Most are accepting and even encouraging of this partnership, but a small band of werewolves, representing the conservative right, are not. The film takes the viewer into unknown territory when it is revealed that the female lead has been inseminated and is due to spawn a half human, half vampire abomination. Elements of horror cinema creep into the fray as director Bill Condon flips the entire movie on its head half way through. Not since the French classic ‘Martyrs’ has a film offered such an unpredictable viewing experience.
‘Breaking Dawn – Part 1’ may be heavy on subtext, allegory and sex, but it still delivers a climax for the ages; a seven minute fight between some vampires and werewolves which doesn’t appear to resolve anything at all. Does this function as a set-up for another sequel, or does it merely serve to underpin the futility of violence in the age of the internet? All I know is that if we are lucky enough to be gifted with another Twilight movie, I will be in the front of the queue on release day at my local multiplex, 3D glasses in hand!