Tag Archives: Only Way Is Essex

Amy Childs quits TOWIE to complete PhD

15 Aug

By Slick Nick


Amy Childs, star of reality TV smash hit The Only Way is Essex, has sensationally quit the show after thirteen years to focus on further academic achievement. She will hand in a PhD dissertation in the second half of 2013 on modern social anthropology, adding to her already impressive bounty of masters degrees in the fields of psychology and biological sciences.

The 39 year old, who has long held claim to the largest pair of breasts in the show’s twenty year existence, joined the Essex-based program in the middle of 1998, around the time of her completing her first masters degree at the university of Bath, at which she was also the Student Union vice president.

Natural look: Amy Childs in 2005, as guest lecturer at Bristol university

Miss Childs has portrayed herself on television as something of an entreprenuer, managing a profitable hair boutique in a trendy part of Chigwell ever since earning the start-up funds through careful investments that paid off during the first dot com boom. Set to open her eighth branch next year, she has used the profits to fund her education and to set up the independent Amy Childs Alztheimer’s Research Institution in South End, now in its second year.

Many of the cast have become close friends, and sometimes fuck partners, with Miss Childs.

Mark Wright, who plays Tanned Bloke 03, said: ‘I’m well happy for her. I’m proper chuffed mate.’

‘She showed me one of her text books once. Fackin’ hell guv, I was like you ‘avin’ a giraffe sunshine etc.’

Modest Childs, who has seen her academic work published in all major scientific journals, is planning a low-key send off to mark her final appearance in the show in September. She will attend private parties in eighteen top night clubs in central London and three in Manchester, and will invite a plethora of celebrity guests and superstar disc jockeys such as Timmy Mallett, along to enjoy the fun.


TOWIE’s Nanny Pat ‘devastated’ after missing special Werther’s Original deal by one day

4 Jul

By Slick Nick

Friends and family members have been offering support to Nanny Pat after the ancient cockney appeared to miss out on the retail deal of a lifetime by a mere 24 hours.

The star and creator of hit reality TV series The Only Way Is Essex visited a Colchester branch of ASDA earlier in the week, only to be confronted with the news that just a day earlier, a generous three-for-one offer on Werther’s Original had expired. It is thought that this amount of confectionary would have lasted Ms Pat all the way up until mid August.

Ms Pat, who was due to celebrate her 103rd birthday later this year by attending a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown concert at Southend Pier, is said to be ‘inconsolable’.

Matriarch: Nanny Pat delivers home baked treats to a mystery male suitor in TOWIE season 4 ep. 19

Within hours of the news breaking, various TOWIE cast members descended upon the Pat estate in Chigwell, Essex, to help the wrinkled female through this difficult time, including Tanned Bloke 03, Tanned Bloke 05, Titted Brunette 12, Titted Blonde 02 and surprisingly Younger Titted Brunette 04.

Insiders have confirmed that so far, old photograph albums and a video of a family Christening from 1994 have been watched with Ms Pat in order to bring some solace. They have also sat through the two most recent Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown DVDs.

Neighbour Richard Wilkes, 50, dropped his crossword puzzle as soon as he heard about Ms Pat’s ordeal to offer his support.

He said: ‘She really is in a bad way. No matter what we all try, she just sits there motionless, almost totally withdrawn from reality.’

‘Not even racist comedy seemed to cheer her up.’

Nanny Pat can be seen baking and smoking in series fiften of The Only Way Is Essex due to air this Autumn.

700th Post Special – Awarding The Shittest Films Ever Made

30 May

By Slick Nick


There’s no way of avoiding shit films, especially when writing a blog that is largely comprised of film reviews. I’m very lucky to stumble across a 5/5 or 4/5 rated film but the majority of them fall into the 3/5 and 2/5 categories. I try to score based on my own opinion as well as what is ‘right’ in film studies terms.

A 1/5 film will be shit with almost no redeeming features. A few scenes may be entertaining or there may be an actor in it I enjoy watching. A 0/5 film will be fucking appalling from start to finish, with every scene being torture for all apart from those with the worst tastes in cinema.

The following are some of the ‘low lights’ from those films I scored 1/5 or 0/5 – thankfully there are only two in the latter category. The following awards were presented by Shane Richie to the production teams behind each of the movies, at a lavish no-expense-spared ceremony that took place in the darkest corners of my brain.

Despair: Richie barely gets through Sex And The City 2's opening credits before bursting into tears backstage

The Ron Jeremy award for the vilest sex scenes goes to:

Deep Throat (1972)

I love porn as much as the next balding twenty-something, but watching extremely ugly men and women fucking in the early seventies is something I could really have done without. I thought this was going to be an edgy, controversial tale with a bit of unsimulated sex – it’s actually just a crap porn film with disturbing amounts of bodyhair.

I gave this a 1/5 score because the scenes without sex acts do feature some hilariously bad acting, which just about manage to be fun.

Probably recording a DVD commentary here to save even more on the miniscule budget

The One Tree Hill award for minimal use of narrative goes to:

Moonwalker (1988)

Joe Pesci is only threatening in Martin Scorcese films. When you remove Marty from the director’s chair and throw in girl’s shoes and a stupid haircut, all that is left is an ineffective villain. Why is he running an army without lieutenants? That is just asking for trouble, especially from a HR perspective. Why is he pursusing Michael Jackson through various pop videos? Why is there no narrative? These are the questions left unanswered with every single viewing of Moonwalker.

What little drama there is in Moonwalker makes no sense, and I honestly don’t know how drunk or high someone must be to come up with the concepts of the King of Pop turning into a sports car, then a robot, then a spaceship, in the space of eighty or so minutes. It’s like some kind of warped Jayce And The Wheeled Warriors, with leather jackets.

I gave this a 1/5 score because for all its stupidly, at least Moonwalker remains entertaining and of course the music stands the test of time well.

Guess which one of these two is made from the most plastic?

The Catherine Tate award for fewest laughs goes to:

Cheaper By The Dozen (2003)

This remake of a 1950 film has so much wrong with it that it would take an entire article to get through alone. Suffice to say, American kids in movies are very rarely not an annoyance or detraction from the main story. Twelve of them means game over. We don’t feel sympathy for the struggling parents either because all the trouble has arisen from their own ceaseless unprotected intercourse. It’s also not funny at all and Steve Martin is shit.

I gave this a 1/5 score due to the poignant question it asks about mass population growth in the developed world, with Martin’s struggling gent an allegory for America itself, battling against wave after wave of his own irritating spawn. Or I might have fancied the oldest daughter, I can’t quite remember.

Arrested for crimes against comedy

The Pearl & Dean endurance award for longest advertisement goes to:

Sex And The City 2 (2010)

Shit jokes, graphic product placement and absolutely loathsome characters made this one of the most punishing cinematic experiences I can remember. I hate clothes shops and the entire fashion industry, more or less, and I certainly don’t want to be sold dresses and shoes for over two fucking hours without any narrative tension to keep me interested. Oh no, the horse-faced protagonist, who lives in one of three or four houses with the man of her dreams, didn’t get a wad of money spent on her quite the way she had anticipated. Excuse me whilst I unhook the house phone and shut down the computer, for I wouldn’t want any other stimuli to interupt such a complex, gripping narrative.

Anyone with even an ounce of good taste in films will not only be appalled, but offended, by this piece of shit. It is using our treasured art form for the work of evil, that be selling over-priced junk that will be obsolete even by now. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a giant, bleached arsehole unshackled from its Louis Vuitton-silked prison, shitting all over my excellent collection of DVDs, blu-rays and film books whilst a huge chunk of the population cheer on. In summary, I would not recommend Sex And The City 2.

I gave this a 1/5 because there is some nice location photography which is pleasant enough, especially on blu. This film also inspired some hilarious reviews on the web, which were significantly more entertaining than the film itself. The reviews were right though – looking for redeeming features in this epic is like trying to find a storyline in Hollyoaks that isn’t purely about two people fucking.

Sick: The retail value of all the clothing in this picture is worth more than your car

The Fernando Torres award for biggest disappointment goes to:

Whatever Works (2009)

It’s almost heart-breaking that a film featuring two of my favourite Jews, Larry David and Woody Allen, turned out to be so crap. I am a huge Woody Allen fan and could staunchly defend even his worst films as having some watchable quality, but not this. It’s almost self-parody.

It’s also annoying how Larry David keeps breaking the fourth wall, it’s just clumsy and out of place. I get when Allen breaks the codes of cinema in his other films, but it doesn’t work here, not least because acknowledging an audience when the film was smashed by critics and no one even went to see the fucking thing at the cinema just comes across as borderline sarcasm. Maybe Allen knew the film was worthless during principle photography and so did this on purpose to be ironic, in which case, he should go down in history as one of the cleverest directors of all time if he isn’t already considered that.

I gave this a 1/5 score because there are a few decent moments which alleviate the awfulness.

The unstoppable force meets the unmovable object - and a terrible film is left in the ashes

The ITV2 award for biggest waste of a production crew’s time goes to:

Dear John (2010)

My other half selected this piece of shit on the Xbox Skyplayer for us to enjoy, otherwise it’s highly unlikely I would ever have known it even existed; a mindfuckingly tedious romance starring veritable charisma vacuum Channing Tatum. Like You’ve Got Mail in reverse, a girl and guy with zero chemistry exchange letters via voiceover whilst he heads off to war to take part in an extremely poorly directed shoot-out. That’s it. No other conflict, no sadistic sports jock from the home town trying to get into the girl’s pants. No life-threatening injury for Tatum that may affect the relationship. Just nothing. And that’s the exact mark out of five I gave Dear John for its efforts. Don’t people watch romance films for the ‘will they won’t they?’ intrigue? If this conflict is resolved in the first ten minutes then what’s the point of stretching the movie out for another couple of hours?

I gave this a 0/5 score because it has no redeeming features, plus made a serious pile of money so has probably encouraged a lot of people that should know better to start making other vacuous Tatum vehicles. I would only recommend this film for the most serious cases of insomnia.

Tatum: Cast him if your movie needs more boring

The special Peter Andre lifetime achievement award for being irredemably shit in every way goes to:

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

This is the one I have in the back of my mind when I am watching a crap film and thinking about what score it should deserve; effectively a benchmark of awfulness. Even when I have watched a turd of a movie and think for a split second it could be a 0/5, memories of this flash before my eyes and I see sense. No, it’s never quite as bad as Elm Street 4. In fact every film above in this article is fucking Casablanca by comparrison.

Everyone from the director (it’s not wonder Renny Harlin helped bankrupt a fucking studio) to the key-grip did a number on this film like I never thought possible. Every second, let alone scene, is torture. The story makes no sense and has almost zero connection to the previous Elm Street movies. The characters are shit and the acting, performed by a group of nobodies, is worse than the efforts of the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex combined.

Disposable teens: Forgive them for their casting agents know not what they have done

This is supposed to be a horror movie, yet the deaths are woefully unsatisfying, offering less-graphically violent executions than a western from the 1950s. I don’t get this. All the Freddy films were rated 18 in the UK, so why scrimp on the gore? I could understand if they were aiming for a 15 certificate to increase the commercial potential, but these are cheap films that made many times their cost due to the slasher genre’s popularity. Go for the 15-rating if you’re making a multi-million dollar fucking Julia Roberts/Tom Cruise vehicle with ILM effects shots that have taken an army of computer dorks weeks to complete even seconds of screen time.

Even satifying horror fans on the most basic of levels is unachieved by Elm Street 4. They want to see a few imaginative deaths and some neat special effects. As for the scare factor… the only thing psychologically traumatising is the thought of having to watch this a second time.

I gave this a 0/5 score because it is the worst film I have ever seen. It isn’t even watchable in a shit-80s ironic sort of way, like many of its peers. There isn’t a single moment in Elm Street 4 that isn’t earth-shatteringly, mindfuckingly, jaw-droppingly atrocious… and I don’t like it much.

Shit: Watching and listening to this man's life's work on a continuous loop for a fortnight is preferrable to even ten minutes of Elm Street 4

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

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