By Slick Nick
There’s no way of avoiding shit films, especially when writing a blog that is largely comprised of film reviews. I’m very lucky to stumble across a 5/5 or 4/5 rated film but the majority of them fall into the 3/5 and 2/5 categories. I try to score based on my own opinion as well as what is ‘right’ in film studies terms.
A 1/5 film will be shit with almost no redeeming features. A few scenes may be entertaining or there may be an actor in it I enjoy watching. A 0/5 film will be fucking appalling from start to finish, with every scene being torture for all apart from those with the worst tastes in cinema.
The following are some of the ‘low lights’ from those films I scored 1/5 or 0/5 – thankfully there are only two in the latter category. The following awards were presented by Shane Richie to the production teams behind each of the movies, at a lavish no-expense-spared ceremony that took place in the darkest corners of my brain.
Despair: Richie barely gets through Sex And The City 2's opening credits before bursting into tears backstage
The Ron Jeremy award for the vilest sex scenes goes to:
Deep Throat (1972)
I love porn as much as the next balding twenty-something, but watching extremely ugly men and women fucking in the early seventies is something I could really have done without. I thought this was going to be an edgy, controversial tale with a bit of unsimulated sex – it’s actually just a crap porn film with disturbing amounts of bodyhair.
I gave this a 1/5 score because the scenes without sex acts do feature some hilariously bad acting, which just about manage to be fun.
Probably recording a DVD commentary here to save even more on the miniscule budget
The One Tree Hill award for minimal use of narrative goes to:
Joe Pesci is only threatening in Martin Scorcese films. When you remove Marty from the director’s chair and throw in girl’s shoes and a stupid haircut, all that is left is an ineffective villain. Why is he running an army without lieutenants? That is just asking for trouble, especially from a HR perspective. Why is he pursusing Michael Jackson through various pop videos? Why is there no narrative? These are the questions left unanswered with every single viewing of Moonwalker.
What little drama there is in Moonwalker makes no sense, and I honestly don’t know how drunk or high someone must be to come up with the concepts of the King of Pop turning into a sports car, then a robot, then a spaceship, in the space of eighty or so minutes. It’s like some kind of warped Jayce And The Wheeled Warriors, with leather jackets.
I gave this a 1/5 score because for all its stupidly, at least Moonwalker remains entertaining and of course the music stands the test of time well.
Guess which one of these two is made from the most plastic?
The Catherine Tate award for fewest laughs goes to:
Cheaper By The Dozen (2003)
This remake of a 1950 film has so much wrong with it that it would take an entire article to get through alone. Suffice to say, American kids in movies are very rarely not an annoyance or detraction from the main story. Twelve of them means game over. We don’t feel sympathy for the struggling parents either because all the trouble has arisen from their own ceaseless unprotected intercourse. It’s also not funny at all and Steve Martin is shit.
I gave this a 1/5 score due to the poignant question it asks about mass population growth in the developed world, with Martin’s struggling gent an allegory for America itself, battling against wave after wave of his own irritating spawn. Or I might have fancied the oldest daughter, I can’t quite remember.
Arrested for crimes against comedy
The Pearl & Dean endurance award for longest advertisement goes to:
Sex And The City 2 (2010)
Shit jokes, graphic product placement and absolutely loathsome characters made this one of the most punishing cinematic experiences I can remember. I hate clothes shops and the entire fashion industry, more or less, and I certainly don’t want to be sold dresses and shoes for over two fucking hours without any narrative tension to keep me interested. Oh no, the horse-faced protagonist, who lives in one of three or four houses with the man of her dreams, didn’t get a wad of money spent on her quite the way she had anticipated. Excuse me whilst I unhook the house phone and shut down the computer, for I wouldn’t want any other stimuli to interupt such a complex, gripping narrative.
Anyone with even an ounce of good taste in films will not only be appalled, but offended, by this piece of shit. It is using our treasured art form for the work of evil, that be selling over-priced junk that will be obsolete even by now. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a giant, bleached arsehole unshackled from its Louis Vuitton-silked prison, shitting all over my excellent collection of DVDs, blu-rays and film books whilst a huge chunk of the population cheer on. In summary, I would not recommend Sex And The City 2.
I gave this a 1/5 because there is some nice location photography which is pleasant enough, especially on blu. This film also inspired some hilarious reviews on the web, which were significantly more entertaining than the film itself. The reviews were right though – looking for redeeming features in this epic is like trying to find a storyline in Hollyoaks that isn’t purely about two people fucking.
Sick: The retail value of all the clothing in this picture is worth more than your car
The Fernando Torres award for biggest disappointment goes to:
Whatever Works (2009)
It’s almost heart-breaking that a film featuring two of my favourite Jews, Larry David and Woody Allen, turned out to be so crap. I am a huge Woody Allen fan and could staunchly defend even his worst films as having some watchable quality, but not this. It’s almost self-parody.
It’s also annoying how Larry David keeps breaking the fourth wall, it’s just clumsy and out of place. I get when Allen breaks the codes of cinema in his other films, but it doesn’t work here, not least because acknowledging an audience when the film was smashed by critics and no one even went to see the fucking thing at the cinema just comes across as borderline sarcasm. Maybe Allen knew the film was worthless during principle photography and so did this on purpose to be ironic, in which case, he should go down in history as one of the cleverest directors of all time if he isn’t already considered that.
I gave this a 1/5 score because there are a few decent moments which alleviate the awfulness.
The unstoppable force meets the unmovable object - and a terrible film is left in the ashes
The ITV2 award for biggest waste of a production crew’s time goes to:
Dear John (2010)
My other half selected this piece of shit on the Xbox Skyplayer for us to enjoy, otherwise it’s highly unlikely I would ever have known it even existed; a mindfuckingly tedious romance starring veritable charisma vacuum Channing Tatum. Like You’ve Got Mail in reverse, a girl and guy with zero chemistry exchange letters via voiceover whilst he heads off to war to take part in an extremely poorly directed shoot-out. That’s it. No other conflict, no sadistic sports jock from the home town trying to get into the girl’s pants. No life-threatening injury for Tatum that may affect the relationship. Just nothing. And that’s the exact mark out of five I gave Dear John for its efforts. Don’t people watch romance films for the ‘will they won’t they?’ intrigue? If this conflict is resolved in the first ten minutes then what’s the point of stretching the movie out for another couple of hours?
I gave this a 0/5 score because it has no redeeming features, plus made a serious pile of money so has probably encouraged a lot of people that should know better to start making other vacuous Tatum vehicles. I would only recommend this film for the most serious cases of insomnia.
Tatum: Cast him if your movie needs more boring
The special Peter Andre lifetime achievement award for being irredemably shit in every way goes to:
A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
This is the one I have in the back of my mind when I am watching a crap film and thinking about what score it should deserve; effectively a benchmark of awfulness. Even when I have watched a turd of a movie and think for a split second it could be a 0/5, memories of this flash before my eyes and I see sense. No, it’s never quite as bad as Elm Street 4. In fact every film above in this article is fucking Casablanca by comparrison.
Everyone from the director (it’s not wonder Renny Harlin helped bankrupt a fucking studio) to the key-grip did a number on this film like I never thought possible. Every second, let alone scene, is torture. The story makes no sense and has almost zero connection to the previous Elm Street movies. The characters are shit and the acting, performed by a group of nobodies, is worse than the efforts of the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex combined.
Disposable teens: Forgive them for their casting agents know not what they have done
This is supposed to be a horror movie, yet the deaths are woefully unsatisfying, offering less-graphically violent executions than a western from the 1950s. I don’t get this. All the Freddy films were rated 18 in the UK, so why scrimp on the gore? I could understand if they were aiming for a 15 certificate to increase the commercial potential, but these are cheap films that made many times their cost due to the slasher genre’s popularity. Go for the 15-rating if you’re making a multi-million dollar fucking Julia Roberts/Tom Cruise vehicle with ILM effects shots that have taken an army of computer dorks weeks to complete even seconds of screen time.
Even satifying horror fans on the most basic of levels is unachieved by Elm Street 4. They want to see a few imaginative deaths and some neat special effects. As for the scare factor… the only thing psychologically traumatising is the thought of having to watch this a second time.
I gave this a 0/5 score because it is the worst film I have ever seen. It isn’t even watchable in a shit-80s ironic sort of way, like many of its peers. There isn’t a single moment in Elm Street 4 that isn’t earth-shatteringly, mindfuckingly, jaw-droppingly atrocious… and I don’t like it much.
Shit: Watching and listening to this man's life's work on a continuous loop for a fortnight is preferrable to even ten minutes of Elm Street 4