Tag Archives: Peter Andre

Channel 4 finally secures rights to Frankie Cocozza autopsy

16 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

After a lengthy bidding war involving ITV2 and ITV4, Channel 4 has now been confirmed as the network that will be able to broadcast a live autopsy of hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza.

The X Factor reject is still alive, reports have confirmed, though with his lifestyle of excessive drug use and vaginal penetrations, many believe it is unlikely he will reach thirty.

Producers are hoping to involve Gunther von Hagens in the show. The German eccentric warmed the hearts of viewers recently by hacking up dead bodies and lining the studio with their internal organs on live television. He is reportedly asking for a fixed six-figure fee and a month’s supply of sausages.

Scalpel at the read: Gunther poses with his wife of 19 years

Rumours suggest the programme will be shown in three 2-hour episodes, the first two being the dissection itself and the third episode a spin-off hosted by Peter Andre and the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

Mr Cocozza, 27, garnered a huge fanbase after failing to hold even a single note on 2011’s series of the primetime singing contest.

He said: ‘The careful observers out there will know that I cannot sing or offer anything else in the way of employability, so I am grateful to Channel 4 for giving me the opportunity to contribute to medical science.’

‘Maybe after I am gone, scientists will finally know the secrets to how babies are made.’

Chuffed: Cocozza poses for fans outside a Brighton job center

Brave Peter Andre Emerges 1 Week After Humiliating ‘Deal Or No Deal’ Pub Game Defeat

27 Jun

By Slick Nick

This is the moment ITV2 legend Peter Andre emerged after a week in isolation following a particularly humiliating defeat at the hands of a pub quiz machine.

The device, which has the option of twelve different gaming franchises, was used in a Croydon branch of Yate’s on a  Thursday night in June.

Andre, 37, was out for a quiet night with an accomplice, who witnessed the events first hand.

The unnamed Swede, who did not wish to be named, advised Andre against choosing the ‘Deal O No Deal’ game in particular due to its reputation for having a particularly unforgiving difficulty level. However, the star, whose ‘Next Chapter’ TV series regularly pulls in dozens of viewers each week, remained defiant, apparently smirking as he touched Noel Edmonds’ pixelated image before him to select the game.

What followed next was a three minute ordeal, as Andre struggled to answer several questions correctly in order to make the most of the 50p price of the game itself.

Where everybody knows your name: Yate's pub where the incident took place

Witness accounts differ in how the game came to its tragic conclusion. One source claimed the question that finished Andre off was on King Henry VIII, whilst another suggested that the singer had given up by this point, hanging his head in shame and not even looking at the screen itself. He then ran towards the pub exit screaming ‘why is my life falling apart before my eyes’ and disappeared into the night, stunning onlookers.

Emerging after a week from a mystery location, Andre looked dishevelled and withdrawn, but otherwise normal, as he made his way to ITV2 HQ to enter talks on making a four part mini series dramatising the night’s events in their entirity.

Through a spokesperson, Andre has declared that he will never again enter the pub or any other in the Yate’s chain for fear of encountering similar gaming devices again. He intends to put the incident behind him and move on with his life.

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

Katie Price seeks low quality sperm from donorship to avoid relationship hassle

20 Mar

By Slick Nick

After another disasterous relationship, model Katie Price has decided she has had enough of men for good… almost.

The 48 year old pair of tits has registered at an exclusive sperm bank in London’s West End in order to choose a low quality suitor without needing to go through the rigmarole of a heavily-publicised relationship. The story came to revelation after a special appearance on the BBC’s Panorama, pictured below, in which Price gave an exclusive 3-hour interview.

The bread-and-butter of Heat magazine’s editors has decided that enough is enough.

She said: ‘I am sick of sadsack types using me for one thing – furthering their own pathetic careers and making a small fortune along the way.’

‘I will be able to use the DNA of anonymous under-achievers without having to share a bathroom with them for eight months. I’m looking for donations from under-educated men in their thirties that haven’t done particularly well in their working lives.’

‘If they don’t have anything interesting to say either, then that’s a bonus.’

Recent squeeze Alex Reid struggled in his career as a cage fighter, losing approximately 638 bouts by knock-out in the space of 16 months. Before him, ex-husband singer/song-writer Peter Andre was entered into the Guinness Book of Records as having released some of the worst albums since mankind learnt to walk upright.

Proprietor of the Tadpoles 4 U semen donation center Richard Wilkes, 50, hopes that Miss Price’s association with the company will generate some extra funds.

He said: ‘Hopefully we’ll be able to invest in some better wank DVDs, starring Tera Patrick and Shy Love. The ones I get from the local newsagent are pretty ropey, and don’t have nearly the production values of a Vivid  Pictures release.’

 

The latest photograph of Miss Price’s teets can be found somewhere in any newsagent’s in the world ever.

 

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

30 Jan

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

Alex Reid: ‘I do NOT look like Sid James’

16 Jan

By Slick Nick

In a non-exclusive interview, professional brawler Alex Reid has gone on record to deny rumours that he looks a bit like Sid James.

Reid, whose profitable marriage to ITV2 monstrosity Katie Price now looks to be on the ropes, was said to be devastated at the comparisons between his own face and that of the beloved Carry On actor.

The two are said to both have ‘tired-looking’ eyes and similarly shaped noses, though the brash cockney persona of both the men was never called into debate.

Reid, 47, who is partly to blame for the British’s public’s interest in absurd UFC-style fighting contests, was quick to address the accusations in a press conference which took place in a west London Scout hut that didn’t have central heating.

He said: ‘The big flat nose I have is down to the overwhelming number of fights I’ve lost. It never used to be like this.’

‘We’ve got totally different hair. I sort of knew this day would come so have taken steps for years to maintain a totally un-Sid-like hairstyle.’

‘I’m not even a true cockney – it was all an act to get into Jordan’s well-used labia. I was brought up in Leatherhead and my real name is Tarquin.’

Alex Reid will likely be performing in a pantomime near you this Christmas.

Peter Andre forced to use alternative tanning salon as preferred one closes down

26 Dec

By Slick Nick

Peter Andre, bread and butter for countless ITV2 executives, finally confessed to topping up his tan at a different establishment to the preferred one near his house which has had to close down.

The general nice guy, who hasn’t done anything worth mentioning in years, is thought to now use sunbeds in the back room of the Short ‘n Curlies hairdressers a couple of hundred yards further down the road.

Andre commented: ‘It’s a slight inconvenience now, plus there’s always this Polish couple that get in first, meaning I have to wait in the car outside.’

‘Actually, they warm the sunbeds up which means I don’t need to buy as many minutes. Every cloud.’

Andre, who has slowly risen to fame and fortune through a combination of terrible music, terrible TV shows and a terrible marriage, would often venture out on a Sunday morning to the nearby Rayz And Sprayz for nine minutes in a lay-down sunbed, thought to be more powerful than the stand-up bed which would sometimes be used during periods of peak activity.

The singer now looks back fondly on those days.

He said: ‘We’d have some laughs in there, usually when I told the receptionists how many units my latest single or book or whatever had sold.’

‘But these are difficult times we’re living in. Now the recession has started to affect regular multi-millionairs like me. I think I’ll co-write a song about it.’

Peter Andre’s new self-help guide ‘How To Make A Mint From Someone Else’s Boobs’ is out now and available on the QVC channel.

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