Tag Archives: Reality TV

WELL DONE! Joey Essex completes toilet training 5 months ahead of schedule

9 Jul

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

TOWIE star Joey Essex has surprised his critics by completing the final round of toilet training a full five months ahead of schedule. He is now fully qualified to use a toilet unaided and intends to celebrate in style by seeing Ice Age 4 at the Braintree Odeon cinema this weekend.

The tanned male, 19, has overcome a lifetime of learning difficulties and can finally discard the potty that has been kept under his bed since birth.

He has cited a profound focus and determination as the keys to achieving his goal, as well as the promise of an entire pound of sherbert lemons from TOWIE show producers.

Mr Essex’s lack of full toilet training had caused undue stress to fellow TOWIE cast members during the filming of the hit show’s sixth season earlier this year, costing the production team many hours on set whilst he attended to several soiled undergarments. The stench at times was reportedly ‘unbarable’.

Perhaps now he will finally be able to move in with his mystery gay lover (pictured below) in Brighton?

Pop Peelings wishes them both well.

Gays: Joey Essex, left, brushes nipples with his current partner

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CV Tip #141 (I need a dollar)

26 May

Never swear on a CV.

Always remain positive.

And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.

Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:

‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’

SUCCESS! Zayn Malik’s ‘Bradfordburg’ concerto sells out

31 Mar

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Zayn Malik has proved his detractors wrong once again as a controversial forray into classical music for the young prodigy has turned out to be nothing but a roaring success.

Malik, 28, who will be breaking away from boy group One Direction later in the year, presented fans with a live performance of his highly anticipated Bradfordburg concerto, a 10-hour tribute to his home town played by the school orchestra of Wakefield High School.

Orchestra: Wakefield's finest

Tickets reportedly sold out within two weeks of going on sale at the 138 capacity venue.

Even Malik’s father, Mr. Malik, was only able to bring two of his four wives along to enjoy the evening.

Those lucky enough to attend commented that seeing Zayn in action was not unlike witnessing ‘a young Mozart in his prime’.

The concert stopped for a short interlude at the four hour mark, during which time a banquet of crisps, Haribo and diet Fanta were served with compliments.

Particular crowd pleasers were ‘Bradford FC Cello Sonata in A Minor’ and ‘An MBA Keeps the Border Force at Bay in B Maj. 2nd Movement’.

Composing: Zayn Malik

Some in attendance were so overcome with emotion that they shed tears.

Zayn himself was available for comment after the ten minute standing ovation that greeted the final bars of ‘Tony And George Kissing In A B52 Bomber in F Minor.’

He said: ‘I am delighted with the evening and am pleased with the response to my work. Now I must retire to my private quarters where I intend to enjoy a w**k and the first DVD of my new Spongebob Squarepants boxset.’

He will now start planning a second performance of the Bradfordburg Concerto to take place at Leeds Civic Center this summer.

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

11 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

X Factor’s Tulisa: ‘The riots were bad’

30 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

X Factor judge Tulisa Something-Greek-Sounding has issued a statement containing her profound views on the rioting that swept the UK earlier in August this year.

The 32 year old has gone on record to declare the shocking scenes of arson and looting as ‘not very nice’.

She said: ‘I felt ashamed when I saw the news on those nights, particularly as I noticed a fair few of my ex boyfriends amongst the crowds.’

‘But what disappointed me most was the proceeding coverage from the right-leaning British press which seemed to use the tragedy to further its cause against the lower social classes and ethnic minority groups.’

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is no stranger to political commentary, making a career out of fronting the socially conscious contemporary disco troup N Dubz. The Camden natives will be setting sail for a tour of the ex-Balkan nations this winter to perform for fans whose parents likely suffered crimes against humanity in the 1990s at the hands of Serbian troops. The victims of genocide, torture and ethnic cleansing are looking forward to enjoying rapper Dappy’s funny hats.

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is hoping her group’s unique brand of uplifting, urban compositions will inspire teens around the world not to destroy every Carphone Warehouse shop window in sight.

Her campaign has the full support and backing of Pop Peelings.

Broken Britain: Tulisa's social work helps disaffected urban youths express themselves in North London

The Worst Albums Ever Made – The Pop Videos Of David Hasselhoff

29 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

I would love to one day be able to write about a single Hoff album, keeping with the tradition of this blog category. Sadly, at the time of writing, I had blown my free Spotify hours for the month on Craig David, and surprisingly there are barely any seeders at all on Pirateybay.org for the Baywatch legend’s recorded material.

Having said that, after looking at some of David’s pop videos on YouTube, it seems his art is equal part visual spectacle. Seeing David perform these songs, as well as just listening to the music itself, is something I believe all aspiring music critics should put themselves through. It’s pretty hard to imagine how bad music can actually get until you’ve watched even just ten seconds of one of these videos. With that being said, I’m sure the following songs were featured on some of the worst albums ever made.

How could a man like this make bad music?

David has been a surprisingly prolific recording artist, given his TV star background. His first album came out in 1985 and he hasn’t really stopped since, much to the delight of his fanbase which encompasses German-speaking Europeans only. The singles began in 1989 and continued until the mid-nineties, where he had something of a hiatus, coming back with a bang in the mid-noughties.

I cannot imbed videos into my blog at this point in time, and I think to want to do so I would need a more worthy cause than David Hasselhoff’s music. None the less, I am happy to link to them below.

‘Looking For Freedom’ (1989) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This appears to be the debut single/video in which David yearns for freedom after a very privaleged upbringing. The verses are not the song’s strong points by any means, so it relies heavily on its gospel-tinged power choruses to get by.

The whole thing is very eighties – including smoke machines and clips of Knight Rider, which are intercut or faded over David in quite an obvious and cheap-looking studio set. The set with the white trees and purple background looks like something out of a NEXT catalogue from twenty years ago and is therefore completely appropriate for this video.

Whilst the song is by no means a classic, it does showcase David’s very limited vocal range perfectly, and offers a relatively catchy chorus and dance beat.

You'll be looking for freedom too after enduring this

‘Our First Night Together’ (1989) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This is more familiar territory – a mindfuckingly awful song, which also happens to be some kind of a duet with a quite unremarkable blonde. Terrible singing, both singularly and in partnership, underpin a tune-free bore. The chord changes in the choruses are far too ambitious for such a lifeless husk of a pop song as well.

David and skirt should have built the song up to end with some harmonies, but they don’t even bother to do that.

The video itself is an oddity; tonally uneven, and making little sense. There appears to be a camera crew in the narrative actually making the video as the viewer watches it. They start off in a car, then it jumps to the two leads in concert together, complete with David rocking hard with an electric guitar (probably not even plugged in). There only appears to be a few dozen revellers at the event though, which is a lot considering how bad the music is. It’s really as crap as an obscure Eurovision entry and not something I’d recommend.

The cover, rather than the single, helped album sales

‘Flying On The Wings Of Tenderness’ (1990) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

David gets serious here, with an ode to his one true love. Though since no other characters are present, I assume he’s really singing this to himself, clumsy metaphors and all.

It’s a very slow, tedious song with appalling lyrics, shameful for a man with such a sturdy liver as the Hoff.

To make matters worse, the video is very low budget and uninspired, with just David on his lonesome singing on the beach. Occasionally a shot of a goose in flight appears faded over David, which I think lessens any minute impact this might have had.

Finally, the title itself is a shocker. The more I read it, the more ludicrous it seems. It just makes no sense on any conceivable level at all, particularly when underpinned by the flying goose clips.

All the single and album front covers used the same photo

‘Crazy For You’ (1990) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This is a light-hearted song, reminiscent of the Stocks, Waterman & Aitken guff that was around at the time. The chrous is remarkable only for ripping off ‘YMCA’ by the Village People. Out of all the hundreds of millions of recorded songs that had to be in existence in 1990, they could havw chosen a better one to copy than that one.

The song itself is very feminine; it could easily have sat on a Kylie Minogue album. Some of the images in the video are the opposite though, with David being seen riding a gigantic motorcycle. It’s an interesting juxtaposition probably lost on its audience at the time.

When David arrives at a fairground, off he gets from the bike and out pops a dog from a satchel, which then ends up pressing the ‘start’ button on the abandoned rollercoaster David has found himself on. I’d love to know what the fuck they were smoking when they imagined that as a concept. Why is the rollercoaster deserted in the first place? That just suggests that David is so unpopular as a recording artist, and he was, that he could clear leisure areas of humanity just by turning up there.

David is crazy for someone who seems to be returning the affection, so there is no conflict or heart in this song. It exists solely as a carbon copy of one of the shittest disco songs ever written.

Such a shame he's not currently making an album

NEW LOW: JLS’ Aston checks in to Priory for McCoy’s addiction

22 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

The pressures of fame can sometimes be too much for some, particularly when you’re one quarter of Britain’s premier male dance group Joyful Little Strippers (JLS). Having been through the ups and downs of life on the road, which culminated in a debilitating addiction to cheese & onion McCoy’s crisps, young Aston Merrygold has saught the help of The Priory.

The London clinic is no stranger to celebrity clients, and helps individuals curb their addictions to everything from drink and drugs to anal sex. Mr Merrygold, 17, will spend two months there in order to receive the professional help required to battle uncontrollable cravings for the well known bagged snack.

Joyful Little Stripper: Merrygold drives attendees of the G.A.Y. club insane with lust at a show

The group first became aware of Mr Merrygold’s behaviour one night in February this year. During the middle of the night, the caravan at the end of manager Louis Walsh’s garden which the group use for living accomodation, became alive with a sound. The sound was not music, as one of their hit singles alludes to, but of a primal, unrestrained crunching and groaning; the sound of Aston wrist deep in McCoy’s crisps.

Louis Walsh, 83, said: ‘It’s a huge blow to have one of my strippers addicted to high-calorie snacks. If this had continued, his chissled, oiled abs may have become less defined.’

‘I wish Aston the quickest possible recovery so he can return to eight hours of exercise a day fuelled only by a single protein shake and three litres of tap water.’

The estimated cost of Merrygold’s stay at the clinic will be around £3million per week. Insiders say this will be money well spent.

Amy Childs quits TOWIE to complete PhD

15 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Amy Childs, star of reality TV smash hit The Only Way is Essex, has sensationally quit the show after thirteen years to focus on further academic achievement. She will hand in a PhD dissertation in the second half of 2013 on modern social anthropology, adding to her already impressive bounty of masters degrees in the fields of psychology and biological sciences.

The 39 year old, who has long held claim to the largest pair of breasts in the show’s twenty year existence, joined the Essex-based program in the middle of 1998, around the time of her completing her first masters degree at the university of Bath, at which she was also the Student Union vice president.

Natural look: Amy Childs in 2005, as guest lecturer at Bristol university

Miss Childs has portrayed herself on television as something of an entreprenuer, managing a profitable hair boutique in a trendy part of Chigwell ever since earning the start-up funds through careful investments that paid off during the first dot com boom. Set to open her eighth branch next year, she has used the profits to fund her education and to set up the independent Amy Childs Alztheimer’s Research Institution in South End, now in its second year.

Many of the cast have become close friends, and sometimes fuck partners, with Miss Childs.

Mark Wright, who plays Tanned Bloke 03, said: ‘I’m well happy for her. I’m proper chuffed mate.’

‘She showed me one of her text books once. Fackin’ hell guv, I was like you ‘avin’ a giraffe sunshine etc.’

Modest Childs, who has seen her academic work published in all major scientific journals, is planning a low-key send off to mark her final appearance in the show in September. She will attend private parties in eighteen top night clubs in central London and three in Manchester, and will invite a plethora of celebrity guests and superstar disc jockeys such as Timmy Mallett, along to enjoy the fun.

NON EXCLUSIVE! Rejected Nicole Scherzinger sex song titles uncovered

8 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop music fans were left appalled last night at the rejected ideas for Nicole Scherzinger songs, revealed by an ex-employee of her management company.

The 43-year old temptress portrays a risque image at the best of times, but these sexually explicit concepts are thought to push the boundaires even for her.

Titles such as ‘I am Here To Be F****d’, ‘Begging For Manmeat’, ‘Ten Things I Want To Do With Your D**k’ and ‘Play With My P****’ were proposed for her debut album ‘Killer Love’ which was released earlier in the year to largely indifferent reviews.

Filth: Half naked snaps increase record sales

The song titles were uncovered when ex-associate Richard Wilkes, 50, forwarded emails from the time of the album’s recording to news editors around the world.

Wilkes was asked to leave the independent music management company Pop Sluts Inc. in April this year after failing to provide enough baby oil for one of Miss Scherzinger’s video shoots.

He said: ‘When I saw these depraved ideas, I thought it was some kind of joke.’

‘Then I saw the look in Nicole’s heavily made-up eyes, a look of sheer lustful hunger; I knew she was deadly serious.’

So how does he feel about the turn of events?

‘It’s a shame we’re no longer working alongside each other but frankly, with the money I’ve earned cashing in on my story, I won’t need paid employment for at least another 14 months.’

Nicole Scherzinger’s latest video can be found playing in most teenage boys’ rooms to accompany their masturbation sessions.

TOWIE’s Nanny Pat ‘devastated’ after missing special Werther’s Original deal by one day

4 Jul

By Slick Nick

Friends and family members have been offering support to Nanny Pat after the ancient cockney appeared to miss out on the retail deal of a lifetime by a mere 24 hours.

The star and creator of hit reality TV series The Only Way Is Essex visited a Colchester branch of ASDA earlier in the week, only to be confronted with the news that just a day earlier, a generous three-for-one offer on Werther’s Original had expired. It is thought that this amount of confectionary would have lasted Ms Pat all the way up until mid August.

Ms Pat, who was due to celebrate her 103rd birthday later this year by attending a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown concert at Southend Pier, is said to be ‘inconsolable’.

Matriarch: Nanny Pat delivers home baked treats to a mystery male suitor in TOWIE season 4 ep. 19

Within hours of the news breaking, various TOWIE cast members descended upon the Pat estate in Chigwell, Essex, to help the wrinkled female through this difficult time, including Tanned Bloke 03, Tanned Bloke 05, Titted Brunette 12, Titted Blonde 02 and surprisingly Younger Titted Brunette 04.

Insiders have confirmed that so far, old photograph albums and a video of a family Christening from 1994 have been watched with Ms Pat in order to bring some solace. They have also sat through the two most recent Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown DVDs.

Neighbour Richard Wilkes, 50, dropped his crossword puzzle as soon as he heard about Ms Pat’s ordeal to offer his support.

He said: ‘She really is in a bad way. No matter what we all try, she just sits there motionless, almost totally withdrawn from reality.’

‘Not even racist comedy seemed to cheer her up.’

Nanny Pat can be seen baking and smoking in series fiften of The Only Way Is Essex due to air this Autumn.

Brave Peter Andre Emerges 1 Week After Humiliating ‘Deal Or No Deal’ Pub Game Defeat

27 Jun

By Slick Nick

This is the moment ITV2 legend Peter Andre emerged after a week in isolation following a particularly humiliating defeat at the hands of a pub quiz machine.

The device, which has the option of twelve different gaming franchises, was used in a Croydon branch of Yate’s on a  Thursday night in June.

Andre, 37, was out for a quiet night with an accomplice, who witnessed the events first hand.

The unnamed Swede, who did not wish to be named, advised Andre against choosing the ‘Deal O No Deal’ game in particular due to its reputation for having a particularly unforgiving difficulty level. However, the star, whose ‘Next Chapter’ TV series regularly pulls in dozens of viewers each week, remained defiant, apparently smirking as he touched Noel Edmonds’ pixelated image before him to select the game.

What followed next was a three minute ordeal, as Andre struggled to answer several questions correctly in order to make the most of the 50p price of the game itself.

Where everybody knows your name: Yate's pub where the incident took place

Witness accounts differ in how the game came to its tragic conclusion. One source claimed the question that finished Andre off was on King Henry VIII, whilst another suggested that the singer had given up by this point, hanging his head in shame and not even looking at the screen itself. He then ran towards the pub exit screaming ‘why is my life falling apart before my eyes’ and disappeared into the night, stunning onlookers.

Emerging after a week from a mystery location, Andre looked dishevelled and withdrawn, but otherwise normal, as he made his way to ITV2 HQ to enter talks on making a four part mini series dramatising the night’s events in their entirity.

Through a spokesperson, Andre has declared that he will never again enter the pub or any other in the Yate’s chain for fear of encountering similar gaming devices again. He intends to put the incident behind him and move on with his life.

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

Adrian Chiles WILL legally change name to ‘Unnamed Premiership Footballer’ to improve chances with women

13 Jun

By Slick Nick

When a man and woman come together in the act of love, it can be a beautiful thing, however some of us appear to have been dealt differing hands when it comes to the ability to attract the opposite sex. Perhaps this is why veteran television presenter Adrian Chiles has finally decided, after days of speculation, to go ‘all in’ with a complete overhaul of his name.

The unfortunately-faced caucasian, 56, will from the 23rd June this year be known legally as Mr Unnamed Premiership Footballer Chiles, relenquishing his maiden name in the hope of enjoying easier access to female reproductive organs.

Forsaken: Even a mother would struggle to love this face

He said: ‘I am fed up of never having any luck with women.’

‘Having read the papers lately, it seems all these chaps that are always ball-deep in skirt have one thing in common – their name.’

Mr Chiles also attributes much of his career failings, as well as an unhealthy addiction to strawberry Yop, on the seemingly inhuman features he was bestowed upon at birth. Having once been tipped to win the much lauded ‘presenter of the year’ award at now-defunct TV Quick magazine, he now scrapes a living by hosting virtually pointless shows that very few people watch or have even heard of.

One of Mr Chiles’s very few friends, weapons dealer Richard Wilkes, has witnessed the rise and fall first hand.

He commented: ‘I’ve seen Adrian clear entire rooms of humanity. People would do well to remember that he is also thoroughly unlikable on a personal level, as well as having a frankly nightmarish face.’

Glory days: A young Chiles anchors ITV's coverage of the 1990 World Cup

So is Mr Chiles counting down the days until the big day?

He went on: ‘I cannot fucking wait to get out there and start sowing my seed. You can never have too many Adrian Chiles in the world.’

‘Plus in 1996 Gary Lineker bet me I’d never get to use the packet of Durex Extra Tingly condoms I’ve had in my bedside drawer all these years.’

‘Well big ears, if you’re reading, the joke’s on you now!’

Adrian Chiles as we know him can be seen struggling to capture viewers’ attention on ITV’s rivetting Daybreak program on weekday mornings.

Gordon Ramsey Set To Visit ALL Berkshire KFC Outlets In New TV Show

6 Jun

By Slick Nick

Can it be that the most aggressive apron-wearing alpha male on our TV screens is getting a little homesick? With Gordon Ramsey’s latest planned vehicle set to encompass the finest local cuisines in the UK, it would certainly appear so.

Having seen the cook travel to the furthest corners of the world to eat some of the most mindfuckingly disgusting things imaginable, it will come as a surprise to see him take on the menus in every KFC restaurant located in the Berkshire area of southern England as part of a brand new television show.

'Bitch be cool!': Ramsey displays his exemplary managerial techniques under pressure

The ambitious 10-part series will see Ramsey, 67, visit the fast-food outlets in such obscure locations as Slough, Datchet and Maidenhead, with one particularly tense episode showing the production team struggling to find a parking space in Reading town center.

The wrinkled chef will take part in preparing the contents of Bargain Buckets before giving his expert opinion on the food. The highest mark available is the patented ‘fucking delicious’ grade; as close to perfection as steroid-heavy meat and connective tissue can get. The star has also volunteered to live in similarly sparse conditions to his recent globe-trotting experiences. These ‘Holiday Inn hotels‘ as natives refer to them do not, in many cases, even provide power showers or widescreen televisions for guests.

Moderation: A Bracknell chicken enthusiast finishes another life-threatening meal

Producers at Channel 4 are hoping the show, yet to be titled, will be as popular as Ramsey’s other vehicles.

Richard Wilkes, Senior Vice President of Programming at the station, said: ‘There are only so many times you can show a failed footballer eating dogshit sandwiches in extremely hot countries before audiences quite literally switch off. We think bringing the concept back to the UK will be of great interest to the public.’

‘Don’t assume all recipes are the same in each restaurant either. The difference in salt and hair found in some of the western Berkshire outlets gives their meals a quaint, charming local flavour.’

Gordon Ramsey’s latest book, ‘How To Fucking Cook A Fucking Good Meal’, is out now and available from all good bed & breakfast reception areas.

Giggs: ‘I am the Christ’

31 May

By Slick Nick

Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.

Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.

Innocent times: Pictured in 2010 many months before news broke of the alleged dickings

Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.

Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.

Stars: Giggs and United team mates celebrate winning 2011's Premier League

Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.

He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’

‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’

‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’

Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

RELIEF: ‘suspicious package’ sent to Jason Gardiner turns out to be forgotten Coleen Nolan biography from eBay

16 May

By Slick Nick

After days of intense speculation, a suspicious package sent to the home of Celebrity Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner has turned out to be a forgotten eBay win.

The homosexual, 61, playing the role of ‘arsehole’ on the show which apparently gives celebrity status to any no-mark that’s happened to thumb through a copy of Heat magazine, had come to the conclusion that the parcel contained a bomb.

He said: ‘I am dislikable and relevant enough to have threats on my life. Honestly.’

Flatcaps maketh the man?

The parcel arrived this past Thursday at Gardiner’s home address via recorded delivery, after which the police, MI5 and the FBI were alerted to the events. These organisations repordly then told The ITV star to ‘stop wasting their fucking time.’

Thankfully, the parcel only contained the slightly less life-threatening hardback book detailing the highs and mostly lows of tedious daytime TV queen Coleen Nolan. The 984-page biography was won in an eBay auction three weeks prior to the delivery, from a seller with only six previous transactions. The inexperience of such an individual led Gardiner to incorrectly suspect that the item would never actually arrive.

Popular: 99 used copies available on Amazon for £0.01

He continued: ‘I am so happy to have been proven wrong.’

‘Not only has my body not been decimated by an explosive device, but now I have an excellent book to read at bedtime. As a bonus, the package also contained enough bubble-wrap to keep me entertained for days on end.’

Gardiner’s management went on to confirm that the expert in telling people how shit they are at ice skating is now in two minds on whether or not to write a positive review for eBay member Anakin_8353, such was the delay in delivery.

Jason Gardiner’s instructional ice skating DVD will be available from all good Chinese take-aways in early June.

BREAKING NEWS: Amy Childs wears clothes to nightclub

3 Apr

By Slick Nick

Amy Childs, star of hit television show The Only Way is Essex, recently took onlookers by surprise as she wore clothes to a nightclub.

The sperm rescepticle, 32, was seen wearing the clothing at the Bromley Liquid nightclub this Saturday, in a publicity stunt insiders describe as impressing ‘very few’.

Miss Childs arrived in a licensed mini cab wearing a dress, shoes and hair extensions. It is strongly suspected that these items were purchased at a generic high street retailer such as Next or River Island, only days before the night out. The clothes were likely made using child labour within a far away land in order to achieve a more competitive price point.

The rest of the evening did not see any other newsworthy incidents.

The female shot to fame earlier this year after appearing in a television show carefully disguised as reality TV, despite each scene having about five different perfectly set up camera angles. It featured largely vacuous individuals who looked much older than their years socialising and fucking, and ran for a staggering 153 episodes, winning no awards.

When asked about the clothing incident, Miss Childs was reluctant to comment.

She said: ‘I just wanted a night out after studying at my government-funded adult literacy course all week.’

‘Now excuse me as I need to have my photo taken with someone else that has done very little to get so much press coverage.’

Amy Childs will soon be embarking on a UK-wide tour giving motivational business talks at hair salons.

 

 

‘They look like popstars’: Louis Walsh sees musical potential in unselected females from Take Me Out

27 Mar

By Slick Nick

Irish pensioner Louis Walsh, famed for his perenial role as Simon Cowell’s verbal sparring partner on the X Factor, has expressed interest in getting a selection of girls together for a brand new, cutting edge pop group. Hardly breaking news, you may think, but this time the girls all have a very distinctive thing in common – they have all not been selected for sexual intercourse after appearing on ITV’s Saturday night meat market Take Me Out.

The show, largely considered to be the Blind Date of the iPad generation, features a plethora of single women all desperate to share the DNA of largely unemployable male twenty-somethings. Those that are selected are whisked away on a luxurious break to enjoy a slightly awkward dinner date with their suitor, and those that are not remain on the show seemingly for all eternity.

'Tell Uncle Paddy... what sort of guy would get to deposit semen inside you?'

Music manager Walsh, 78, has surprisingly confirmed that appearing on a primetime ITV reality TV show for several weeks in a row is more than enough to warrant a record deal. The girls that have been on the program for the longest consequitve amount of time will be given singing, dancing and sandwich-making lessons, as well as studio time with top music producers.

He said: ‘I know these girls have got what it takes to make it big in the music industry. They’ve been shown on television for weeks on end.’

‘Everyone will want to hear the songs they have written together. And by ‘written together’, I mean songs my minions have carefully selected for them to attempt to sing in a recording studio armed with all the latest technology that can make anyone sound half decent on the radio.’

Girls like Lucy Evans, 29, from Wales, are prime targets for the music mogul. Pictured below with what is thought to be a masturbation aid, the marine biologist had appeared on the show a record 237 consequtive weeks since the first episode aired in 2003.

Walsh continued: ‘We’ve got some really good ideas for the band name floating around my Dublin castle.’

‘How about The Unfuckables? It’s a little riff on the movie The Untouchables you see. That one didn’t just come overnight, I can tell you.’

The single is expected to be released in the early part of 2012 after a launch party at the Leatherhead branch of WH Smiths.

Katie Price seeks low quality sperm from donorship to avoid relationship hassle

20 Mar

By Slick Nick

After another disasterous relationship, model Katie Price has decided she has had enough of men for good… almost.

The 48 year old pair of tits has registered at an exclusive sperm bank in London’s West End in order to choose a low quality suitor without needing to go through the rigmarole of a heavily-publicised relationship. The story came to revelation after a special appearance on the BBC’s Panorama, pictured below, in which Price gave an exclusive 3-hour interview.

The bread-and-butter of Heat magazine’s editors has decided that enough is enough.

She said: ‘I am sick of sadsack types using me for one thing – furthering their own pathetic careers and making a small fortune along the way.’

‘I will be able to use the DNA of anonymous under-achievers without having to share a bathroom with them for eight months. I’m looking for donations from under-educated men in their thirties that haven’t done particularly well in their working lives.’

‘If they don’t have anything interesting to say either, then that’s a bonus.’

Recent squeeze Alex Reid struggled in his career as a cage fighter, losing approximately 638 bouts by knock-out in the space of 16 months. Before him, ex-husband singer/song-writer Peter Andre was entered into the Guinness Book of Records as having released some of the worst albums since mankind learnt to walk upright.

Proprietor of the Tadpoles 4 U semen donation center Richard Wilkes, 50, hopes that Miss Price’s association with the company will generate some extra funds.

He said: ‘Hopefully we’ll be able to invest in some better wank DVDs, starring Tera Patrick and Shy Love. The ones I get from the local newsagent are pretty ropey, and don’t have nearly the production values of a Vivid  Pictures release.’

 

The latest photograph of Miss Price’s teets can be found somewhere in any newsagent’s in the world ever.

 

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