Demolition Man (1993 dir. Marco Brambilla)

Muscleheads spoil a eutopian future with poorly realised fight scenes.

2/5

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Runaway (1984 dir. Michael Crichton)

Infamous ‘tache has drawn out battles with the worst-looking robots in film history.

2/5

Elysium (2013 dir. Neil Blomkamp)

Thatcherism in space.

3/5

The Wasp Woman (1959 dir. Roger Corman)

In order to increase fuckability and company revenue, executive removes glasses.

2/5

Pacific Rim (2013 dir. Guillermo del Toro)

Three identical-looking soldiers star in the film the Power Rangers Movie could have been.

3/5

After Earth (2013 dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

A father forces his son to do something he isn’t very good at; acting.

1/5

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

Fortress (1992 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Tory social and privatisation policies realised in a future of stomach aches.

2/5

Space Truckers (1996 dir. Stuart Gordon)

80s neon and the disabled get cruelly mocked in Star Wars knock-off.

1/5

A Clockwork Orange (1971 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

In a bleak future underpinned by milk, gibberish and pubic hair, a violent dandy must come to terms with Beethoven.

3/5

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Charming update of Pinocchio, with man-whoring and neon lights.

3/5

Looper (2012 dir. Rian Johnson)

A hired killer takes drastic actions to prevent inevitable baldness in Terminator 2/Carrie homage.

3/5

Blade Runner (1982 dir. Ridley Scott)

A young Indiana Jones must execute those with terrible hairstyles in a future without daylight.

4/5

Queen Of Outer Space (1958 dir. Edward Bernds)

Astronauts overjoyed at having to do no washing up or hoovering for an entire year after crashing on girl-infested planet.

1/5

Prometheus (2012 dir. Ridley Scott)

Like a remake of Alien with double the number of face fuckings.

3/5

 

The Abyss (1989 dir. James Cameron)

Future slaphead saves money on divorce lawyers thanks to jellyfish.

3/5

Battlefield Earth (2000 dir. Roger Christian)

Several film careers face obliteration due to bickering and dreadlocks.

1/5

The Lawnmower Man (1992 dir. Brett Leonard)

Matrix blueprint sees idiot gardener undergo extreme character arc due to appalling visual effects.

2/5

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

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Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

Donnie Darko (2001 dir. Richard Kelly)

To avoid a month of 80s music, schoolboy commits suicide with time tinkering.

3/5

A Scanner Darkly (2006 dir. Richard Linklater)

Director of chatterers brings generation X types to sci-fi.

2/5

Vanilla Sky (2001 dir. Cameron Crowe)

Like a eutopian Matrix, with pastel colours and intercourse.

4/5

Teenagers From Outer Space (1959 dir. Tom Graeff)

Like a live-action Lillingtons record antagonising Daily Mail editors.

1/5

Mars Attacks! (1996 dir. Tim Burton)

Largely unnecessary ensemble cast defeat 60s aliens with hick music.

2/5

Sphere (1998 dir. Barry Levinson)

2001/Event Horizon/Jaws ideas plagarised under water whilst Tarantino’s treasured African American enjoys acclaimed literature.

3/5