Tag Archives: Twitter

BREAKING NEWS: Olly Murs’ ‘Guide To W**king’ WILL be released this Christmas

30 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Those looking for gift ideas this Christmas need worry no more, for the highly anticipated debut book by Olly Murs detailing the singer’s most advanced methods of self gratification will be available in time for December 25th.

Destined for the best seller lists, Mr Murs’ Guide To W**king has been maligned by troubles from the start. Sources close to the cockney claim the frequent delays were due in part to him wanting to practice and hone his craft to perfection before getting his methods down on paper.

Now puting the finishing touches, literally, to his work, Mr Murs, 31, is reportedly ‘exhausted but happy’.

Members of the Murs Army, a collection of mostly unattractive white teenage girls on Twitter, are hotly anticipating the title, as they are keen to learn exactly why so many fans of good music frequently dismiss their idol as ‘just a w**ker’.

And what of Mr Murs’ inspiration to pen such a controversial title?

‘When you make so many music videos starring women many times out of your league, it’s hard to resist the urge to make use of that welcoming box of tissues by your bed as you spend another cold night alone.’ commented Murs.

‘When I eventually get dropped from my record label, at least I will have masturbation to fall back on.’

The Olly Murs Guide To W**king will be available from all good kebab shops from December 10th.

Murs: Expert wanker?

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

Cocktail (1988 dir. Roger Donaldson)

28 Sep

Fuelled by endless rock ‘n’ roll covers, barman/fighter/poet/business schollar’s carefree life gets complicated by unplanned fetus with disguised Republican offspring.

2/5

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

CV Tip #95 (Autopsy)

16 Apr

‘Practical skills – full human body dissection.’

It’s generally a good idea to tailor a CV to a specific role or business area. Why include the above on what is essentially an application for a fucking call center position?

CV Tip #15 (First loser)

13 Apr

A snippet from a gentleman’s stint in telesales:

‘I once came second in a competition to see who could sell the most products in a week, with the winner being awarded with a holiday.’

Fucking brilliant. What else have you not achieved in life? Winning the lottery? Getting your dick wet by a broad from The Only Way Is Essex? Playing for England in the World Cup? Irrelevant information for a potential employer to look over will only wind them up.

Cabin Fever (2002)

24 Feb

Deliverance replaces sodomy with severe eczema and poor dialogue.

2/5

Nowhere Boy (2009)

1 Jan

Least interesting years of music legend’s life immortalised by Kick Ass.

2/5

Pearl Harbour (2001 dir. Michael Bay)

5 Nov

All-American apple pie wrapped in US flag is tipped off window ledge by evil Japanese pilot.

2/5

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