Tag Archives: X Factor

Murs: ‘My suffering over GCSE English retakes’

15 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pop singer Olly Murs has finally come clean over one of the greatest turmoils of his life – having to retake GCSE English twice.

The male, 29, finally achieved a D grade the third time around; something of a family record.

The certificate did not come without its sacrifices though for the young cockney:

“Fackin hell guv, you have no idea how intimidating it is sitting in a basketball hall surrounded by teenagers that can read and write properly.”

“Apples and pears, I had to study my backside off. I could only go to the Braintree Whetherspoon’s three times a week. Apparently the fruit machine takings were right down. Speaking of fruit, how are you for oranges?”

Murs’ music, a mixture of dated pop and raggae, is a favourite amongst unattractive white teenage girls in Britain, many of whom are also illiterate. The horrors of Murs’ GCSE examinations are thought to have struck a chord with this fanbase, helping them bond and relate further to their idol.

Fortunately, the line of work Murs finds himself in today requires very little writing at all.

olly murs

BREAKING NEWS: Olly Murs’ ‘Guide To W**king’ WILL be released this Christmas

30 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Those looking for gift ideas this Christmas need worry no more, for the highly anticipated debut book by Olly Murs detailing the singer’s most advanced methods of self gratification will be available in time for December 25th.

Destined for the best seller lists, Mr Murs’ Guide To W**king has been maligned by troubles from the start. Sources close to the cockney claim the frequent delays were due in part to him wanting to practice and hone his craft to perfection before getting his methods down on paper.

Now puting the finishing touches, literally, to his work, Mr Murs, 31, is reportedly ‘exhausted but happy’.

Members of the Murs Army, a collection of mostly unattractive white teenage girls on Twitter, are hotly anticipating the title, as they are keen to learn exactly why so many fans of good music frequently dismiss their idol as ‘just a w**ker’.

And what of Mr Murs’ inspiration to pen such a controversial title?

‘When you make so many music videos starring women many times out of your league, it’s hard to resist the urge to make use of that welcoming box of tissues by your bed as you spend another cold night alone.’ commented Murs.

‘When I eventually get dropped from my record label, at least I will have masturbation to fall back on.’

The Olly Murs Guide To W**king will be available from all good kebab shops from December 10th.

Murs: Expert wanker?

CV Tip #159 (Simon Cowell)

24 May

I’m all for bragging on a CV; afterall, it is supposed to sell your skills and experience to an employer.

Caution though – what you consider a worthwhile life-affirming achievement may come across as pathetic to someone else:

‘‘I had a top 100 hit’’

Up All Night (2011) by One Direction

13 May

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Rating = 2/5

These five chaps were barely out of nappies when they set a new musical record for being the first British group to bag a number one debut album in America. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and true to the norm of big-selling music in 2012, ‘Up All Night’ is a largely mediocre affair.

Like most Cowell releases, this is tonally uneven, trying to ensnare as many types of music fans as possible. It can’t make up its mind whether it wants to mop up the post-Westlife audience of sappy ballad lovers or fill dancefloors with heaving, sweating bodies puting their hayunds (hands) up in the air.

Lead single ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ kicks things off with a whimper, sounding like a rejected track from the Grease soundtrack. It also showcases perhaps this album’s greatest flaw; the terrible vocals. One Direction were put together from five inept youngsters on X Factor of course, who struggled to hold a single note even in their final performances on that show. Together, they create a weak, lifeless drone, neither distinctive or compelling.

‘Tell Me A Lie’ is my favourite track, with a steady build to a satisfying chorus, which is sadly let down by the pissweak vocals. This song could have been used to launch the career of a far worthy group or ‘artist’.

The song ‘Up All Night’ itself rips off the sublime non-hit ‘Always Something There To Remind Me’ by Tin Tin Out from the mid nineties, a song that was released when the member of 1D were probably in nappies at best.

‘I Want’ attempts to rock thing up with s kooky Beatles-esque intro and some obvious lead guitar. It doesn’t work as a song, nor is it something One Direction’s fans want to be listening to I would think.

The last few tracks pick up the pace, attempting to oust JLS it seems as the definitive knicker-wetting purveyors of dance floor anthems. Sadly the songs, underpinned by the lame vocals, are nothing special, yet still more listenable than the poor quality singles.

Overall, I have to admit there is some ok  song-writing on this record-breaking debut. It pretty much does what it sets out to do; coherse the pocket money from lonely, desperate and undemanding teenage girls.

SUCCESS! Zayn Malik’s ‘Bradfordburg’ concerto sells out

31 Mar

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Zayn Malik has proved his detractors wrong once again as a controversial forray into classical music for the young prodigy has turned out to be nothing but a roaring success.

Malik, 28, who will be breaking away from boy group One Direction later in the year, presented fans with a live performance of his highly anticipated Bradfordburg concerto, a 10-hour tribute to his home town played by the school orchestra of Wakefield High School.

Orchestra: Wakefield's finest

Tickets reportedly sold out within two weeks of going on sale at the 138 capacity venue.

Even Malik’s father, Mr. Malik, was only able to bring two of his four wives along to enjoy the evening.

Those lucky enough to attend commented that seeing Zayn in action was not unlike witnessing ‘a young Mozart in his prime’.

The concert stopped for a short interlude at the four hour mark, during which time a banquet of crisps, Haribo and diet Fanta were served with compliments.

Particular crowd pleasers were ‘Bradford FC Cello Sonata in A Minor’ and ‘An MBA Keeps the Border Force at Bay in B Maj. 2nd Movement’.

Composing: Zayn Malik

Some in attendance were so overcome with emotion that they shed tears.

Zayn himself was available for comment after the ten minute standing ovation that greeted the final bars of ‘Tony And George Kissing In A B52 Bomber in F Minor.’

He said: ‘I am delighted with the evening and am pleased with the response to my work. Now I must retire to my private quarters where I intend to enjoy a w**k and the first DVD of my new Spongebob Squarepants boxset.’

He will now start planning a second performance of the Bradfordburg Concerto to take place at Leeds Civic Center this summer.

“I’m well chuffed, guv” Olly Murs cleans up at 2012 Mediocre Music Awards

27 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

It seems that finally all the years of hard work have paid off for music sensation Olly Murs as the cheeky chappy has scooped a record bounty at the fifteenth annual Mediocre Music Awards (c).

The glamourous ceremony, held at Southend pier earlier in February, was hosted by Cilla Black and welcomed a host of A-list celebrity guests, including the cast of Brookside’s final episode, as well as Trevor and Simon of Live & Kicking Fame.

Mr Murs, 34, won the most mediocre male, most mediocre album, most disappointing dancing in a music video, most meaningless lyrics, blandest pop single and most unremarkable look awards, or ‘mediocries’ as they are known in the industry.

Murs: Officially mediocre

A final twist stunned onlookers as the X Factor reject also nabbed a special award for saying nothing of substance in any interviews whatsoever, a close contest between himself and TOWIE’s Amy Childs (who sadly could not be in attendance).

Mr Murs has gone on record to confirm that he is currently looking for a suitable builder to install an extra shelf in the shed at the bottom of Simon Cowell’s garden where he lives to house his enviable horde  of plastic Ms.

He said: ‘I’m over the moon and never expected any of these awards,’ before offering this reporter fruit and vegetables at very competitive retail prices.

So what next for Mr Murs, the man who seemingly has the music world at his feet? A hospital tour taking in every children’s ward in East Anglia, followed by several months off to record his next mediocre album ‘Apples And Pears To Heaven’, that’s what. You heard it here first.

Channel 4 finally secures rights to Frankie Cocozza autopsy

16 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

After a lengthy bidding war involving ITV2 and ITV4, Channel 4 has now been confirmed as the network that will be able to broadcast a live autopsy of hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza.

The X Factor reject is still alive, reports have confirmed, though with his lifestyle of excessive drug use and vaginal penetrations, many believe it is unlikely he will reach thirty.

Producers are hoping to involve Gunther von Hagens in the show. The German eccentric warmed the hearts of viewers recently by hacking up dead bodies and lining the studio with their internal organs on live television. He is reportedly asking for a fixed six-figure fee and a month’s supply of sausages.

Scalpel at the read: Gunther poses with his wife of 19 years

Rumours suggest the programme will be shown in three 2-hour episodes, the first two being the dissection itself and the third episode a spin-off hosted by Peter Andre and the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

Mr Cocozza, 27, garnered a huge fanbase after failing to hold even a single note on 2011’s series of the primetime singing contest.

He said: ‘The careful observers out there will know that I cannot sing or offer anything else in the way of employability, so I am grateful to Channel 4 for giving me the opportunity to contribute to medical science.’

‘Maybe after I am gone, scientists will finally know the secrets to how babies are made.’

Chuffed: Cocozza poses for fans outside a Brighton job center

‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

What Just Happened (2008 dir. Barry Levinson)

24 Nov

Cinematic dog shooting and controversial facial hair almost ruin various fictional Hollywood careers.

3/5

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

1 Year Anniversary: Hilarious Blog Search Terms

30 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

I’ve done this blog for one year now.

Blogging about such diverse topics as film, music, reality TV, more films and then even more films, the sheer variety of search terms used to find this dump is understandable. I really wish I didn’t have visibility of some of them though, such is my already low opinion of humanity and the general public. The shit below just makes me despair.

This isn’t all of the search terms, but the ones I found the most amusing.

The JLS stripper could do a good one, as he can’t sing or write music either:

‘marvin humes duck impression’

Can’t really argue with this one:

‘amy childs is thick as shit’

If she did, it must have been the London South Bank – the worst Uni in the country:

‘where did amy childs go to uni’

Straight to the point. Nice:

‘amy childs tits’

I think it’s a myth:

‘amy childs education’

Yeah, don’t believe everything you read. Especially on this blog:

‘amy childs guest lecturer 2005’

Show her some respect. Honestly:

‘amy childs pussy’

Well, you’ve come to the right place for that:

‘worst albums ever recorded’

For the sake of humanities continued evolution, I hope so:

‘does olly murs masturbate’

Rough estimate is fuck all:

‘olly murs net worth’

Why would anyone want to see that?

‘olly murs erection’

Ok this was another ‘interview’ I made up but I’m sure it was factually accurate:

‘olly murs wank interview’

Doubt it, not on a prime time ITV weekend show that’s supposedly about music:

‘olly murs x factor masturbate throughout’

Really? I’d say it’s hard work listening to his music, but that’s it:

‘olly murs makes me hard’

So why not try and meet him in person to put that proposal to him instead of typing it into Google?

‘i want to wank olly murs’

I’m sure if it was recorded, it would go to at least number three in the charts:

‘olly murs having a crap’

Olly Murs: Cunt?

Thank you. Another straight shooter:

‘olly murs is shit’

Good luck with that one:

‘olly murs erect’

Oh so you’ve heard his album as well?

‘olly murs fail’

That I would love to see:

‘ollie murs cock slip’

He’s a cockney, from Essex, with white skin. I wonder what the answer could possibly be:

‘olly murs ethnicity’

I’m sure he loves the Bugatti petrol money even more:

‘simon cowell loves olly murs’

Now hang on a second. this one just reaks of jealousy:

‘ron jeremy a piece of shit’

Ron Jeremy

Was it the photos of him oiled up and half naked that led to that conclusion?

‘aston merrygold gay’

I think a better question may be is anyone of them straight?

‘is anyone in jls gay’

Ok. Enjoy?

‘toilet roll wanking’

Don’t think this one works:

‘toilet roll albums’

If by ‘wanking’ you mean ‘sobbing’, then I’m sure he does it a great deal now:

‘matt cardle wanking’

Well they’re all crap, so go ahead and take your pick:

‘marilyn manson worst album’

I wouldn’t put it past them:

‘teen girls masturbate over one direction’

The front cover is the least of it’s problems. Poor Noel Gallagher:

‘dig out your soul is a shit album design’

Oh I cannot wait to join this group. I love watching twats standing around on a field for eight hours occasionally hitting balls around:

‘facebook friends cricket ground application’

Personally I think the pop charts now are the best they’ve been since around 1995:

‘wank pop’

I know this one was done on purpose, but it’s still pretty amusing:

‘slick nick america’s most wanted’

I literally cannot think of anything worse to do with my leisure time:

‘bognor regis butlins punk weekend 2012’

As opposed to softcore?

‘hardcore fucking’

Another Marilyn Manson fan perhaps?

‘erotic self crucifiction’

Don’t worry, Olly Murs can help you with that one I think:

‘severe case of blue balls’

Every word of this one made me do a lol:

‘jewish cowboy gay sex xposition’

Yep, two of the members appear to be:

‘n-dubz tits’

Probably the same reason people don’t like having someone shit into their ears; it’s unpleasant:

‘why do people not like mechanical animals’

Mechanical Animals: Like someone shitting in your ear

Fucking hell, make your mind up:

‘pics of jocks covered in shit -women -girls -milfs -panties -girl -she -babes -boys’

Sadly, one that isn’t switched off:

‘what microphone do they use on x factor uk’

You must have missed her video for ‘Wet’ then?

‘nicole scherzinger naked’

Didn’t know she owned any:

‘nicole scherzinger showing her knickers’

Give it a few years and maybe one will get released:

‘nicole scherzinger sex video’

Scherzinger: Respected artist

Bit of everything, I’d say:

‘nicole scherzinger ethnicity’

Ha! Good luck with that one. At least wait until she gets dropped from her record label in 12-18 months:

‘nicole scherzinger masturbtion video’

Calm down, there’s no hurry:

‘fuck women hardcore sex’

Hmmm… I guess the latest issue of Heat magazine has that covered:

‘famous+stars+shit’

Yes, I’m sure a song that was on daytime circulation non-stop during the summer had full frontal nudity:

‘when bruno mars pulls up his pants on lazy song does his weener pop out’

Do they even have video cameras over there? Wow, you learn something new every day.

‘turkish porn movie’

Can’t argue with that to be honest:

‘harry styles is ugly’

Pretty much all of them:

‘ugly photo of harry styles’

Ask any woman under 40 at the Colchester Whetherspoon’s pub for some details:

‘matt cardle penis’

Ask most the lads on the Chalk Farm estate for some details:

‘tulisa n dubz tits’

For the novelty, I have to say I wouldn’t mind seeing some of this:

‘turkish porn 1960’

Couldn’t bring themselves to write a rude word, even alone on the internet. How endearing:

‘stroking wee-wees’

Cher Lloyd? The walking skeleton? Whatever gave you that idea?

‘is cher lloyd anorexic’

I think the kids not looking their narrative ages is the least of the film’s problems:

‘in cheaper by the dozen how old are the kids supposed to be 2003 remake’

Um… Walt Disney? Just a hint:

‘animals saying things’

Ok:

‘movie hollywood premature ejaculation’

I thought they were in good shape due to coming here and working harder than British nationals. At least that’s what I read in the Daily Mail:

‘obese polish man’

I doubt images of hardcore fucking would be considered ‘pop’:

‘every second of deep throat turned into pop art’

Steve Brookstein, is that you?

‘simon cowell cunt’

Job-hunting? Well they say it’s a full-time job in itself:

‘joe mcelderry current job’

John Goodman, Rosanne, Michael Moore, Jack Black, Kevin James… these are educated guesses:

‘famous diabetics’

Kevin James: Loves his insulin injections

Love the politness here. I would have just seached ‘fat fuckers’:

‘heavy set couples’

Was that a Steve Martin flick?

‘fucking the bride’

I wonder what that film is about:

‘2 for 1 anal sex . . . starring: nora davis tags’

Three stone? Maybe four stone at the end of the day:

‘cher lloyd weight estimate’

I’d say it’s a given:

‘harry styles wanking’

Do you mean like giving them a bad mark on a paper? And not letting them out of class when the bell goes?

‘teacher fucking student’

Yeeeeeah so let’s write dumb things into the Google search bar!

‘yeeeeeeah it’s friday’

It's Friday!

Indeed. Fuck it. Fuck it in the ear:

‘fuck “aliens 3″‘

Spelling and decade fail here:

‘liam gallegher 1920 x’

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

X Factor boot camp ‘in lockdown’ after A-level suspicion

27 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Controversy gripped the X Factor boot camp in London last night as it was suspected that one or more conestants were found to be in the possession of A-levels. The 10-storey dance studio and gym in Oxford Street was in lock-down whilst Syco executives investigated.

Insiders report that all budding singers were lined up against a wall and strip-searched to see if they had on them the A-level ‘certificates’. These items tend to be awarded to UK students for achieving a certain level of academic excellence.

The rumours of A-level possession surfaced when one contestant, a caucasian female in her early twenties, appeared to be well-spoken and polite, but had not used a gimick or sob story to get past the audition stage. X Factor researchers then made the shocking discovery that the girl in question had enjoyed a relatively stable upbringing underpinned by a happy home life.

Richard Wilkes, Senior Executive Vice Presidential Director of Important Stuff at Syco, was forced to step in and take direct action.

He said: ‘We at Syco Records will not tolerate the use or awarding of A-levels amongst our artists or contestants. It is strictly against Syco policy.’

‘Through years of painstaking market research, we have determined that what the pop consumer demands is not educated youngsters who have had stable lives in a loving, supportive family environment.’

‘If someone with A-levels were able to slip through the X Factor process and get a record deal, it could have a detrimental impact on sales. I might only be able to afford three holidays a year.’

Syco CEO Simon Cowell has stood by the policy for a number of years, stating that he doesn’t want to end up managing ‘another Blur or Radiohead’ who would likely make outlandish demands like time away from dance rehearsals to write music together.

Middle manager Louis Walsh is said to be ‘enthusiastic’ over the idea of further hourly strip searches just incase the previous ones could not unearth hidden A-Level certificates.

Academics: Not what's 'in' for record labels

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

X Factor’s Tulisa: ‘The riots were bad’

30 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

X Factor judge Tulisa Something-Greek-Sounding has issued a statement containing her profound views on the rioting that swept the UK earlier in August this year.

The 32 year old has gone on record to declare the shocking scenes of arson and looting as ‘not very nice’.

She said: ‘I felt ashamed when I saw the news on those nights, particularly as I noticed a fair few of my ex boyfriends amongst the crowds.’

‘But what disappointed me most was the proceeding coverage from the right-leaning British press which seemed to use the tragedy to further its cause against the lower social classes and ethnic minority groups.’

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is no stranger to political commentary, making a career out of fronting the socially conscious contemporary disco troup N Dubz. The Camden natives will be setting sail for a tour of the ex-Balkan nations this winter to perform for fans whose parents likely suffered crimes against humanity in the 1990s at the hands of Serbian troops. The victims of genocide, torture and ethnic cleansing are looking forward to enjoying rapper Dappy’s funny hats.

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is hoping her group’s unique brand of uplifting, urban compositions will inspire teens around the world not to destroy every Carphone Warehouse shop window in sight.

Her campaign has the full support and backing of Pop Peelings.

Broken Britain: Tulisa's social work helps disaffected urban youths express themselves in North London

NON EXCLUSIVE! Rejected Nicole Scherzinger sex song titles uncovered

8 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop music fans were left appalled last night at the rejected ideas for Nicole Scherzinger songs, revealed by an ex-employee of her management company.

The 43-year old temptress portrays a risque image at the best of times, but these sexually explicit concepts are thought to push the boundaires even for her.

Titles such as ‘I am Here To Be F****d’, ‘Begging For Manmeat’, ‘Ten Things I Want To Do With Your D**k’ and ‘Play With My P****’ were proposed for her debut album ‘Killer Love’ which was released earlier in the year to largely indifferent reviews.

Filth: Half naked snaps increase record sales

The song titles were uncovered when ex-associate Richard Wilkes, 50, forwarded emails from the time of the album’s recording to news editors around the world.

Wilkes was asked to leave the independent music management company Pop Sluts Inc. in April this year after failing to provide enough baby oil for one of Miss Scherzinger’s video shoots.

He said: ‘When I saw these depraved ideas, I thought it was some kind of joke.’

‘Then I saw the look in Nicole’s heavily made-up eyes, a look of sheer lustful hunger; I knew she was deadly serious.’

So how does he feel about the turn of events?

‘It’s a shame we’re no longer working alongside each other but frankly, with the money I’ve earned cashing in on my story, I won’t need paid employment for at least another 14 months.’

Nicole Scherzinger’s latest video can be found playing in most teenage boys’ rooms to accompany their masturbation sessions.

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Olly Murs’ (2010) by Olly Murs

28 Jun

By Slick Nick

There is an Olly Murs in every school, every university and every office in the UK; a tiresome, annoying self-centered twat who you dare not get on the wrong side of for fear of being socially ostracised. By no means evil or unpleasant, they can never the less make life hell in so many other ways.

Despite being average-looking, having nothing of interest to say and wearing unremarkable highstreet clothing, they somehow draw people to them like moths to light. Resisting the light will prove controversial, since every conversation or gathering will revolve around this individual, effectively a conversational blackhole, sucking all matter into it that may be even slightly interesting in favour of what the Murs figure may be doing or not doing.

Thanks to Simon Cowell, one of these cheeky chappies was given a record deal, which meant even escaping into a car and puting the radio on presented a confrontation with the mundanity of their existence. The result is ‘Olly Murs’, an album featuring the best part of an hour’s worth of crap music.

Murs came second to Joe McElderry in 2009’s X Factor, arguably the shittest winner in the show’s history, and that’s saying something. This album is described as his ‘debut’, but that suggests a long discography is to follow. I really think, and hope, that this album alone will span Murs’ entire recording history, for the sake of pop music.

Upon first listen, the one thing that stands out alongside the staggering mediocrity is how tonally uneven the material is. It lurches from anthemy pop, to raggae, to sappy ballads. It’s like if a Leona Lewis song suddenly dropped in a thrashy guitar solo.

Looking at the chart positions of the four singles from this illustrates perfectly how fickle the British single-buying public are, and also what a missfire it was on Cowell’s part for launching Murs as a recording artist. Single one was a UK number one. Single four didn’t even make the top 40.

Cunt: Murs glimpses his net worth as a musician in 2011

Hit single ‘Please Don’t Let Me Go’ begins with an old radio effect, which is quite creative for a SYCO release, before stumbling into very dated-sounding raggae pop. I remember Murs being described by Cowell as ‘unbeleivably current’ at his first audition. True – nothing says 2011 like aping the chart music of 1993. It’s not quite as forgettable as the rest of the album but is no Aswad.

Follow-up ‘Thinking Of Me’ is more of the same, but worse.

Murs has a stab at warbling during the closing moments of ‘Heart On My Sleeve’, where things get a bit more serious. It reminds me of the modern Take That. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the army of song-writers and producers that worked on Murs’ atrocity had also spent time in the studio with Robbie and Gary et al. Speaking of the legendary boyband, there was also some serious bro love going down between Murs and Robbie Williams at the time of the X Factor live finals, which saw the two irritants perform an extremely mediocre duet together. This probably carefully spun PR between the managers of Murs and Williams stopped just short of the two sucking each other off on stage, but I digress.

Lyrically, the album sinks to a new low with ‘Busy’. Reminiscent of Bruno Mars, it uses the Beatles’ ‘Let It Be’ chord progression, as does ‘Don’t Say Goodbye’. Considering the album had 20-30 people contributing to the music, it’s unacceptable to use this riff on two songs from the same album. It really bugs me how often these chords are used, in pop and rock, and is just illustrative of unoriginal, lazy song-writing. Unsurprisingly, both of the efforts on this album are terrible.

Hold onto your sides: This illustrates visually the points made in paragraphs 1 and 2

Surrounding the four singles, which never get better than way below mediocre, is a lot of filler fluff that barely registers. It’s certainly not worth writing about, apart from noting that Murs as a singer leaves a hell of a lot to be desired.

Finally, the whole Murs persona on television and in the media really winds me up. There is an air of undeserved smugness about him, as if he has always been fully aware that he has fuck all to offer the world of popular music and is completely talentless. I hope everyone involved with his album, from Cowell to the song-writers, to the producers, even down to the intern that did the photocopying for marketing, are thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

‘They look like popstars’: Louis Walsh sees musical potential in unselected females from Take Me Out

27 Mar

By Slick Nick

Irish pensioner Louis Walsh, famed for his perenial role as Simon Cowell’s verbal sparring partner on the X Factor, has expressed interest in getting a selection of girls together for a brand new, cutting edge pop group. Hardly breaking news, you may think, but this time the girls all have a very distinctive thing in common – they have all not been selected for sexual intercourse after appearing on ITV’s Saturday night meat market Take Me Out.

The show, largely considered to be the Blind Date of the iPad generation, features a plethora of single women all desperate to share the DNA of largely unemployable male twenty-somethings. Those that are selected are whisked away on a luxurious break to enjoy a slightly awkward dinner date with their suitor, and those that are not remain on the show seemingly for all eternity.

'Tell Uncle Paddy... what sort of guy would get to deposit semen inside you?'

Music manager Walsh, 78, has surprisingly confirmed that appearing on a primetime ITV reality TV show for several weeks in a row is more than enough to warrant a record deal. The girls that have been on the program for the longest consequitve amount of time will be given singing, dancing and sandwich-making lessons, as well as studio time with top music producers.

He said: ‘I know these girls have got what it takes to make it big in the music industry. They’ve been shown on television for weeks on end.’

‘Everyone will want to hear the songs they have written together. And by ‘written together’, I mean songs my minions have carefully selected for them to attempt to sing in a recording studio armed with all the latest technology that can make anyone sound half decent on the radio.’

Girls like Lucy Evans, 29, from Wales, are prime targets for the music mogul. Pictured below with what is thought to be a masturbation aid, the marine biologist had appeared on the show a record 237 consequtive weeks since the first episode aired in 2003.

Walsh continued: ‘We’ve got some really good ideas for the band name floating around my Dublin castle.’

‘How about The Unfuckables? It’s a little riff on the movie The Untouchables you see. That one didn’t just come overnight, I can tell you.’

The single is expected to be released in the early part of 2012 after a launch party at the Leatherhead branch of WH Smiths.

Government quango confirms Steve Brookstein’s popularity to be ‘equal to that of The Wurzels’

13 Mar

By Slick Nick

A new government body (which was promised By Nick Clegg to not be going ahead but exists anyway) determined to uncover the great mysteries of popular music has confirmed what many insiders had suspected for years – that Steve Brookstein’s popularity is equal to that of classic alternative rock act The Wurzels.

The frequent performer to half-empty coffee shops won the 27th series of the X Factor back in 2004 and enjoyed a week-long record deal before being dropped by Song BMG. It is now thought that the total amount of time spent listening to his music by the British public is exactly the same for the entire discography of Sommerset’s favourite sons.

The latter group shot to fame in 1976 with chart-topping hit single ‘The Combine Harvester‘. Their subsequent 43 albums largely covered themes such as cider, muck-spreading and incest, yet failed to enjoy a mainstream fanbase.

Brookstein, 63, pictured below in the backstage area at Ealing Broadway’s Starbucks last Thursday, was said to be pleased with the report’s findings, suggesting it may be one of his greatest musical achievements.

Will sing for a vanilla bullshit thing

He said: ‘Growing up, The Wurzels were probably the main inspiration for me becoming a musician. Their body of work spoke to me about the dark underbelly nestling within Britain’s rural villages, but I couldn’t help but sing along.’

‘All the people that laughed at me and called me a deadbeat, a loser, a bitter old man, a no-talent shitheel, a non-entity, a stain on the very fabric of popular culture, a cheeseball, a self-promoting has-been, a waste of space and complete and utter mindfuckingly rubbish can do one – I am now officially as popular as the Wurzels, and they are not.’

Steve Brookstein’s new self-released single ‘How to Make Friends and Irritate Tweeters’ is out now on stereo cassette and available from all good newsagents.

 

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

27 Feb

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

‘I am well happy’: Cher Lloyd expresses joy at finding Friends seasons two and three on VHS in charity shop

20 Feb

By Slick Nick

Life as a pop star can bring with it vast fame and fortune, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That’s why X Factor reject Cher Lloyd recently called a press conference to announce her joy at picking up two entire video boxsets of the hit 90s sitcom Friends in a local charity shop.

The anorexic, 29, saw the boxsets in the window of a Barnardos shop in hometown of Malvern, Worcestershire, earlier in the week.

There was repordely no price tag attached to the videos of the now ended sitcom, which told the story of only caucasian 30-somethings living, working and fucking in New York, arguably the most ethnically diverse city on the planet. After making an enquiry inside the shop to a woman that was hard of hearing, Ms Lloyd was able to secure a price of £7.50 in total for the items. She then required five carrier bags to get the videos home.

Cher said: ‘I never thought that when I entered the X Factor all those months ago that I’d be sitting here owning not one but two boxsets of Friends.’

‘It’s a shame my grandmother’s caravan burnt to the ground with her inside it a few years ago. She’d have been so proud to see this.’

When the skeleton intends to view the videos remains unclear. Some have speculated that she will watch one episode an evening until completing all cassettes. Others insist she will attempt to watch both seasons in their entirity across a single weekend. We will remain close to the sources and report any further developments as and when they happen.

Despite getting the boot quite early on in 2010’s X Factor finals, Cher Lloyd will be releasing an album this coming summer. Take that, Ofcom.

Oh no! JLS’ Marvin oversleeps and misses group workout

13 Feb

By Slick Nick

Chaos descended upon the JLS camp yesterday morning as lead singer Marvin Humes failed to turn up for a pre-planned group gym workout.

The session was due to take place at 8am at an LA Fitness in central London, which also sells an impressive range of protein bars.

It was later revealed that Humes, 36, had overslept.

It is unknown at this time whether he slept in on purpose, or whether an alarm clock had malfunctioned.

An anonymous source stated that JLS management had recently struggled to curb Humes’ addiction to late-night reality TV cop shows and that this may have been a contributing factor to his lethargy.

The group are expected to exercise daily in a punishing regime that includes two hours of cardio, one hour of weights, one hour of core and half an hour of stretching. The rest of the day is spent in dance rehearsals, with eleven minutes before bedtime devoted to song writing.

Manager Louis Walsh was reportedly ‘a bit annoyed’ at Marvin’s behaviour and is expected to make him train twice as hard tomorrow.

He said: ‘If Marvin can’t train his lean, rippling physique as part of a team, I’m sure I could find a way for him to burn some calories together in my Dublin castle. Mmmm.’

 

JLS’ current obligatory-slow-one-after-continuous-dance-anthems single is out now and available from all good petrol stations.

 

REVEALED: How Olly Murs ran out of toilet roll just hours before morning wank

6 Feb

By Slick Nick

Pop star Olly Murs was unable to masturbate according to his normal morning ritual today after finding himself without an adequate amount of bedside toilet roll needed to capture and dispose of the ejaculate.

The X Factor reject and current chart flop, 33, usually begins each day with a five minute wank with the aid of a toilet roll kept in his bedside cabinet.

It is thought that the air in the cockney’s bedroom being festuned with Old Spice the night before caused a sneezing fit, which required the use of the final few sheets of the Andrex toilet tissue.

He said: ‘It was a nightmare. Even though I was fully erect and good to go, I had to get out of my nice warm bed and go to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper.’

‘By the way, would you like to buy some fruit and vegetables? We can probably come to an arrangement on some sort of bulk purchase.’

Syco management have confirmed that Mr Murs will now store several toilet rolls under his bed to prevent this kind of disaster happening again.

The album Olly Murs is out now and can be found playing at most ironic social gatherings of twenty-something music snobs.

Wanker?

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