500th Post Spectacular

Somehow we’ve managed to notch up 500 posts. Here’s a list of learnings, observations and general thoughts inspired by the last few months of bloggery.

1. In John Hughes’ world, immigration never happened.

2. According to Woody Allen, everyone has three masters degrees and seeks psychoanalysis.

3. Quentin Tarantino should have his characters shut the fuck up once in a while so he can tell a proper story.

4. A Pixar clunker is as rare as a half-decent Adam Sandler picture.

5. If Martin Scorcese was to be believed, 89% of all Italian-Americans are in some way connected to a crime family.

6. Very few horror flicks are above average. The same goes for films with Joel Schumacher at the helm.

7. In teen movies, those that exceed at sports will usually be more evil than Pol Pot and/or suffer a horrible death.

8. Star Wars is generally rubbish.

9. Annie Hall is the funniest film of all time.

10. The early 90s charts were defined by raggae, metallic pianos, bomber jackets and sadly George Michael.

11. Louis Walsh is ridiculously behind the times and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a recording ‘artist’.

12. Not wearing a tuxedo and not singing a Westlife song makes you very ‘current’ in Simon Cowell’s eyes.

13. This time next year, Cher Lloyd will be the only X Factor contestant from 2010 with any semblance of a career.

14. If you have a craving for long, deep shots, and claustrophobia, then you need to see some John Carpenter films.

15. Some job-seekers should really just give up and spend their days in bed, masturbating, rather than wasting my time by sending in terrible CVs for jobs  that even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t get an interview for. That would keep all of us happy.

16. Speaking of horror films, it seems France is the new Japan. Bring on the tamer Hollywood remakes!

17. As big a fan as I am of Ricky Gervais’ TV and stand-up work, I think I could live without another motion picture of his getting made. They just don’t work effectively.

18. There is nothing I want to happen more in the world than to see Paul Verhoeven return to Hollywood.

19. Jingle All The Way and Nightmare On Elm Street 4 are two of the worst films ever made.

20. Lightbulbs are almost always ineffective in David Fincher’s world.

Iron Maiden – ‘Bring Your Daughter… To The Slaughter’ (Song 18 of 18)

Shit got very real at the end of 1990 as a bonafide heavy metal anthem sold more singles than anything else for two weeks. It’s not a great song but any metal is better than none, to some extent.

3/5

Cliff Richard – ‘Saviour’s Day’ (Song 17 of 18)

I could write for a year and still only express a fraction of my hatred for this individual. What do you get when Cliff Richard and Christianity colide? An awful Christmas number 1.

0/5

Vanilla Ice – ‘Ice Ice Baby’ (Song 16 of 18)

White-guy rapping now, with the Queen-sampling monster hit by large Texan Robert Van Winkle. I think this would have spent longer than 4 weeks at the top if he’d have used his real name. This was a very big deal for hip hop back then – make of that what you will. It also sucks harder than a Saigon hooker in 1968.
1/5

Righteous Brothers – ‘Unchained Melody’ (Song 15 of 18)

Otherwise known as the hit made famous by pottery. This is how you do the oldies – don’t fuck about with a shoddy re-recording, just release the same single decades later. Despite spending 4 weeks at number 1 and being the top-selling single of the year, it’s still only an ok song.

2/5

Beautiful South – ‘A Little Time’ (Song 14 of 18)

It’s little more than lift music, underpinned with the Ramones’ ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ riff. I like the male/female harmonies though, which were rare at the time. It is totally unoffensive and unremarkable, perhaps why it spent a mere week at the top spot.

2/5

Maria McKee – ‘Show Me Heaven’ (Song 13 of 18)

It’s a well-crafted single that demonstrates McKee’s compelling vocal range. It’s also pretty annoying.

2/5

Steve Miller Band – ‘The Joker’ (Song 12 of 18)

Take everything that’s fun and exciting about rock ‘n’ roll, discard it, and that’s basically the Steve Miller Band left behind. Having said that, it’s probably the closest thing to rock ‘n’ roll in the charts during this era, so deserves some praise.

2/5

Bombalurina – ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ (Song 11 of 18)

I bet Timmy Mallet to this day is still living off the royalties for this one. The amusing thing is this wasn’t the fly-by-night novelty shit scraping that you’d expect. This entered the charts at number 23 and steadily rose to the top over a few weeks. That means that people consciously made the decision after being constantly exposed to this ode to beachwear to invest hard-earned money. ‘After listening to this song in depth, I simply cannot go on without owning it.’ Still, number 1 in twelve countries shouldn’t be sniffed at. It’s a welcoming thought that in these times of simmering global conflicts, back in 1990 a bunch of nations could get along, crank up the volume on their stereos and enjoy some relentlessly shit music together.

0/5

Partners In Kryme – ‘Turtle Power’ (Song 10 of 18)

At the time this must have seemed like a good idea.

0/5

Elton John – ‘Sacrifice’ / ‘Healing Hands’ (Song 9 of 18)

The only sacrifice here was 5:03 of my time, where I could have been listening to better music. It’s Elton. It’s got a piano. It’s dull. I suppose it’s swell that a proper song spent the longest amount of time in the charts in 1990 though, with this one taking the top spot for an impressive 5 weeks.

2/5

EnglandNewOrder – ‘World In Motion’ (Song 8 of 18)

Now this was a football team… holding their own on the pitch and in the recording studio. I don’t get the constant references to the one on one thing. I always thought foot-soccer was played with eleven players on each team, but that shows what I know. Anyway, this is pretty much the definition of shit. Like the NKOTB song, you just know the guys were longing to get on the hookers and cocaine instead of being cooped up in a studio recording terrible novelty singles.

0/5

Adamski – ‘Killer’ (Song 7 of 18)

His real name was Adam Tinley, and making repetitive acid house music was one of his main interests. After the bass hook, this goes on and on without going anywhere, like ther M25 at 7.45am. The 90s metallic piano makes a welcome appearance at 2:27 though, and Seal’s reassuring black guy vocals do give the song a certain quality. Adamski also had a song called ‘N-R-G’, which was an improvement in my opinion.

2/5

Maddona – ‘Vogue’ (Song 6 of 18)

I think this one is supposed to imply that as long as you can bust a groove on a non-descript dance floor, you’ll always have the visage of a superstar. Clearly Madge hadn’t been to any British weddings then. Anyway, the song sucks and has an ill-advised spoken word segment. It’s also ludicrously long at 5:17. Did she think she was Brian Wilson or something?

1/5

Snap! – ‘The Power’ (Song 5 of 18)

Let’s face it, if you ever watched Gladiators or saw a battery advert in the 90s, the chances are pretty high that you’ve already heard this one more than you need to. Let’s not cry over spilt dog puke and move switly on, remembering that ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’ was a long way off.

0/5

Beats International featuring Lindy – ‘Dub Be Good To Me’ (Song 4 of 18)

Fuck. Yes. This one will push your sub to the max. The intro to the song is exactly that – an intro, by one of the members, pretending to be a radio DJ. So presumably when this was released, and the real radio DJs introduced it, THEN the song introduces itself, then the real DJ again comes in at the end to tell listeners the group and song, the public in 1990 felt they had no choice but to give in and buy this cassette in bucketloads due to some sort of subliminal super-KGB music marketing. It also features a couple of other 90s pop staples, namely a metallic piano and a woman in a bomber jacket with a side-ways facing baseball cap.

3/5

Sinead O’Connor – ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ (Song 3 of 18)

Given that this was released a good few years before kids were using mobile phones, the use of txt tlk in the title shows how cutting edge the music of the early 90s was. Less of a song and more of an ordeal at an epic 4:42, this is a depressing single from a woman who had led a shitty life. Take a minute to flick through her biography – it reads like the treatment for a Shane Meadows picture. I’ve got to mark her up though because whilst I’d rather eat a banana without removing the skin than listen to this song again, I do admire a pop star with integrity – this will cast a cloud on your day just like accidentally treading in dogshit. This spent 4 weeks at number 1, in the winter – talk about bolstering the SAD.

2/5

Kylie Minogue – ‘Tears On My Pillow’ (Song 2 of 18)

I like a bit of doo-wop but this is really pushing it. Ok, I love a bit of doo-wop and this version pretty much sucks.

1/5

New Kids On The Block – ‘Hangin’ Tough’ (Song 1 of 18)

What a way to kick off the decade. It’s all reverb-heavy drums and white-guy rapping, which should be awesome, but the lads don’t seem to be making an effort here. The main vocal hook reminds me of what it feels like to awake with a 6-pints-of-Stella induced hang-over, and the whole thing is about 70 seconds too long at 4:17. You pray for a middle-eight, and when it breaks at 2:30, you’re left disappointed as the sound of a ‘special’ child playing keyboard for the first time rings around your ears. I’ll give it a point for the drums alone.

1/5