CV Tip #136 (Hungary)

“I’m always curious to learn new things so recently I’ve been trying to learn Hungarian.”

Great, that will get you far; learning the language from a country no one trades with or cares about and is broke.

When can you start?!

CV Tip #152 (Phil Mitchell)

Show-off:

“‘I have a full UK driving license (had for 23 years), and drive a Mercedes, with comprehensive insurance/breakdown cover.”

CV Tip #198 (Sir David Attenborough)

It’s been said countless times before, but be mindful of puting irrelevant crap on your CV for someone to trawl through:

“Married with one child (# # #  aged 2 years 6 months) 4 dogs and 1 canary.”

CV Tip #118 (Televangelist)

If you’re passionate about the industry you’re applying to join, that’s cool, but don’t go overboard:

“since the age of 16 when my family first had Sky TV installed, i have become RELIGIOUSLY interested in ALL forms of Consumer TV,”

CV Tip #165 (Pimp my ride)

Got any nice hobbies? This is something I ask myself a lot when trying to get to the end of a crappy application.

“I got my own car which i like to fix and pimp up”

Fucking mindblowing. If there’s one word you never ever want to see on a CV, it’s the word ‘pimp’.

CV Tip #149 (Militia)

Learn to fucking proof read what you’re writing about yourself:

“A militia-skilled IT support analyst”

CV Tip #199 (Margie!)

From a CV, complete with exclamation mark for some reason:

“Margie was my team manager!”

Nice. Everyone knows Margie, right? Good ol’ Margie! Anyone that has worked for her can pretty much walk into any job they wish to.

I’m willing to bet that no recruiter or hiring manager gives a fuck about Margie, much less wants to read about her on a CV.

CV Tip #132 (Gordon Gecko)

Opening line on a CV:

“A well-dressed individual.”

Fucking fantastic. Forget skills, knowledge, experience, qualifications… if you’ve got some nice shirts in your wardrobe, that’s all you need.

CV Tip #106 (Brain surgeon)

Talk yourself up on a CV for sure but don’t get too analytical and made ridiculous statements about your own neurobiological construct:

“My brain consist of passion (30%), brave(25%), creative idea (25%) , kind and honest(20%)”

CV Tip #127 (Brian wilson)

“I play piano (badly) and guitar (less badly)”

Fucking brilliant. When can you start?

CV Tip #144 (NEETs)

The covering letter is a sales tool for yourself, a pamphlet if you will, there to excite employers at the prospect of meeting you.

It is not a document for modesty (or stupidity):

“NO – I DON’T HAVE A DIRECT AND ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO APPLY FOR THIS POPSSITION
NO – I’M NOT A SPECIALIST IN COMAPRE TO JOB DESCRIPTION I’VE READ ON YOUR ADVERT
NO – I’M NOT A MANAGER, EXECUTIVE, HOD, BRAND OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF REVELANT PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO HIRE”

CV Tip #173 (The Holy Bable)

Let me say this once and for all; praying is not a hobby. It’s a deeply flawed and futile waste of time.

It’s also not worth stating on a CV, especially if you’re also demonstrating your total ineptness at writing English.

“I Enjoy Praying Jehovah God Yoroba Host, Watching TV Sport, News, Attending Bable Class,”

CV Tip #161 (Mr Moustache)

“I have been known to grow moustaches for Movember.”

Brilliant. What a great attribute to put on a CV, the fact that you’ve sat there for one month in the year and not bothered to shave.

CV Tip #105 (Mr Motivator)

Always remember that the CV is useful for a potential employer to decide whether you have the skills and experience to add value to the organisation.

Therefore, never put this line on a CV ever:

“I have helped a few of my friends become healthier and fitter.”

CV Tip #183 (Breaking wind)

Please for the love of Christ check your CV several times, then have someone else check it several times, to ensure typos like this do not fall into an employer’s inbox:

“i am a fart learner, and punctual, i always take interest in the job that i do.”

CV Tip #162 (Soft Sell)

People that succeed in sales are usually assertive, driven, dynamic and more often than not, operate with a slight air of cuntishness about them. Of course, they will be closing deals and increasing revenue at all times.

So what would a sales manager make of this segment of inspiration from a CV?

‘Negotiating prices – If a buyer didn’t like the price or if it was too high, i always went out of my way to lower the price for them’

Fucking brilliant. That behaviour can’t be too great for revenue targets.

 

CV Tip #219 (20 B&H)

What do employers want to see on a CV? Skills, experience, achievements… you know, things that may make you stand out in the candidate market.

They won’t want to see this sort of thing:

‘Smoking: I smoke’

Fucking splendid. So you’re telling companies that you’ll spend around half an hour less than everyone else in the office each day as you’ll be out on cigarette breaks. Do make sure your phone’s on the hook for all those calls to interview.

CV Tip #191 (A chip on his shoulder)

Some people can be a little bit too proud of how little they have achieved in the world of work.

The below arrived on a covering letter:

‘As wrote above I have worked in three different chip shops which all involved me servicing food preparing food and cooking the food altogether I have had about three years experience with chip shops‘

Astounding. At least a recruiter can delete the application even before wasting time reading the CV with guff like that.

CV Tip #139 (The referee’s a wanka)

A delightful bit under the ever entertaining interests section of a CV from a young hopeful:
‘Although I am not an avid supporter of football, I do suffer from time to time, the trauma of travelling all the way to Motherwell to see my friend play on his home turf’

Seriously why put yourself through the travel and despair of watching a shit football team in the cold when you’re not even a fan of the sport? There are so many better things to do on a weekend, for example doing nothing at all.

CV Tip #115 (Angry Video Game Nerd)

Again, remember the interests section on a CV is there as the final selling opportunity for you as a potential employee.

Never forget this, lest you end up with this kind of thing making you repellant to only a few firms:

‘Gaming has always been a huge part of my life. I currently own most consoles including retro as well as new, and I can adapt to most game styles as my collection of games include at least three games from each game genre’

Yes, we all enjoy the odd round of Call of Duty from time to time but will never discuss it whilst job hunting.

CV Tip #97 (Stop Press)

I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.

But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:

‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation

McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’

CV Tip #141 (I need a dollar)

Never swear on a CV.

Always remain positive.

And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.

Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:

‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

.

Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

CV Tip #1 (Odd one out)

Sometimes, I believe CVs were written to test me in the same way a religious person may think famine or war is a test for them.

When I saw the mess below, I had to wonder which one of the bullet points was actually the odd one out for a few seconds before deciding it was point five.

1 Cleaning
2 Clecting glass’s
3 Severing
4 I’m trust worthy
5 Intelect

CV Tip #28 (Jeremy Kyle guest)

Most people in Britain live a fairly mundane existence, so it’s unusual for CVs to contain any decent hobbies or extra curricular activities, not least amateur film production.

If you’re acting in front your mate’s camcorder though, avoid going into quite as much detail on your character’s little nuances though because it won’t help your prospects of employment on bit:

‘I play a cocky troublemaking chav, instigating trouble and baring witness to a murder.’