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500th Post Spectacular

20 Dec

Somehow we’ve managed to notch up 500 posts. Here’s a list of learnings, observations and general thoughts inspired by the last few months of bloggery.

1. In John Hughes’ world, immigration never happened.

2. According to Woody Allen, everyone has three masters degrees and seeks psychoanalysis.

3. Quentin Tarantino should have his characters shut the fuck up once in a while so he can tell a proper story.

4. A Pixar clunker is as rare as a half-decent Adam Sandler picture.

5. If Martin Scorcese was to be believed, 89% of all Italian-Americans are in some way connected to a crime family.

6. Very few horror flicks are above average. The same goes for films with Joel Schumacher at the helm.

7. In teen movies, those that exceed at sports will usually be more evil than Pol Pot and/or suffer a horrible death.

8. Star Wars is generally rubbish.

9. Annie Hall is the funniest film of all time.

10. The early 90s charts were defined by raggae, metallic pianos, bomber jackets and sadly George Michael.

11. Louis Walsh is ridiculously behind the times and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a recording ‘artist’.

12. Not wearing a tuxedo and not singing a Westlife song makes you very ‘current’ in Simon Cowell’s eyes.

13. This time next year, Cher Lloyd will be the only X Factor contestant from 2010 with any semblance of a career.

14. If you have a craving for long, deep shots, and claustrophobia, then you need to see some John Carpenter films.

15. Some job-seekers should really just give up and spend their days in bed, masturbating, rather than wasting my time by sending in terrible CVs for jobs  that even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t get an interview for. That would keep all of us happy.

16. Speaking of horror films, it seems France is the new Japan. Bring on the tamer Hollywood remakes!

17. As big a fan as I am of Ricky Gervais’ TV and stand-up work, I think I could live without another motion picture of his getting made. They just don’t work effectively.

18. There is nothing I want to happen more in the world than to see Paul Verhoeven return to Hollywood.

19. Jingle All The Way and Nightmare On Elm Street 4 are two of the worst films ever made.

20. Lightbulbs are almost always ineffective in David Fincher’s world.

“Looking at our clothes and bank balances, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were the archetypal John Hughes middle American parent types. We actually created a deadbeat painter that won a TV show in Britain.”

18 Dec

 

Only now do they look Matt in the eye

“Ok ok ok… When I say ‘brothers’, I really mean ‘PR tools’.”

18 Dec

Equal ops gone wrong

“I fucking love being in this band – you’re never too far away from a mob of ugly pre-pubescent chicks.”

17 Dec

Why write on paper when you have a human face handy?

“Did you guys hear the one about the superstar who was too raucus for Starbucks? It goes a little something like this…”

12 Dec

 

Diehard fans watch him when he talks

“Bitch be trippin’ making me walk down all these stairs. These heels bite like a motherfucker.”

12 Dec

 

Her legs do work after all

“The flames are supposed to represent hell Rhianna, but you’ve not seen hell until you’ve been on the pavement outside Yates’s in Colchester town center on a Sunday morning.”

12 Dec

That is a look of scorn like no other

 

“I have decided not to wear clothes to symbolise the raw power of this song in a stipped-to-its-bones performance. I’m also aware that my male fans are mostly teenage boys that like titties.”

12 Dec

'What yo lookin' at?'

“Yep. This is a far cry from the fucking Disney Club.”

12 Dec

Uncle Walt would have been proud

“I love to conduct sing-songery nearly as much as I love oiled men in their pants to writhe with me.”

12 Dec

Just an average Saturday night for Neighbours soap star

“Shovelling popcorn and dispensing cola for 8 hours a day plays havock with your hand skin!”

11 Dec

'Do you want sweet or salty (lol) popcorn?'

“Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going and then you might have this many (two) fans!”

11 Dec

He's the man girls want and the man boys want to be

“Whilst I am usually morose and ‘intense’, occasionally I make people shit themselves laughing by pulling an out of character wacky face. Give it a few months and you’ll never hear from me again, I swear.”

11 Dec

This will make you spit tea over your monitor

“This is how we dress in the carehome until they can get the heating fixed.”

11 Dec

Current or cold?

“My name is Wagner. I am here to relax the brown seller of hand jobs to secure private discount.”

11 Dec

He'll want to wash his hands afterwards

“I gotsta git me some motherfuckin’ sparkles and a ballgown.”

11 Dec

She hadn't moved from this spot for 5 hours

“That’s it love, you take it in the mouth. This is how we do it back home in the toilets of Wetherspoon’s.”

11 Dec

Symbiotic relationship

“Howay the lads! Hold on to your fucking sides whilst I play a joke on the boss!”

11 Dec

GSOH

“Special delivery! Who ordered the shit-eating grin then?”

10 Dec

The equipment in that case won't be used on good music

“You can’t blame a honey for getting knocked up so young with pins like these.”

8 Dec

A worthy sperm receptacle

“Keith Richards and John Lennon were never out of the tanning salon.”

8 Dec

This PR has a quiet dignity about it

“Fuckin’ with me coz I’m a teenager, with a li’l bit of gold and a pager!”

6 Dec

She dislikes authority figures

“Mary we think that your considerable bulk being supported by a chair with such tiny legs is a feat of engineering worthy of its own show on the Quest TV channel.”

6 Dec

How do they do it?

“Yeeeeeeah! Finally made it; appearing on a show that no one watches.”

6 Dec

Next stop Leno?

“Fuck da police. Fuck fuck fuck da police.”

6 Dec

Rebel

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