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48 Hrs. (1982 dir. Walter Hill)

6 Jan

Future gravel throat pairs with future star of flops to walk quickly from scene to scene.

2/5

IMDB

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Demolition Man (1993 dir. Marco Brambilla)

5 Jan

Muscleheads spoil a eutopian future with poorly realised fight scenes.

2/5

IMDB

Thor: The Dark World (2013 dir. Alan Taylor)

24 Nov

Star Wars the IKEA Menace.

2/5

IMDB

Once Upon A Time In Mexico (2003 dir. Robert Rodriquez)

14 Nov

All working Hispanics in Hollywood spin around and shoot each other.

2/5

IMDB

Roadhouse (1989 dir. Rowdy Herrington)

13 Nov

Professional face-kicker makes redundancies without HR consultation, then defeats unchecked capitalism.

2/5

IMDB

 

Combat Shock (1986 dir. Buddy Giovinazzo)

12 Nov

Like a knock-off Taxi Driver minus qualified editor.

2/5

IMDB

A Crude Awakening (2006 dir. Basil Gelpke & Ray McCormack)

5 Nov

The foretelling of the time when mankind will be forced to do more exercise.

2/5

IMDB

Redacted (2007 dir. Brian De Palma)

2 Nov

Paranormal Activity meets Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

2/5

IMDB

The Money Pit (1986 dir. Richard Benjamin)

14 Oct

Housing bubble proves fruitful for independent tradesmen.

2/5

IMDB

Runaway (1984 dir. Michael Crichton)

30 Sep

Infamous ‘tache has drawn out battles with the worst-looking robots in film history.

2/5

IMDB

Gilda (1946 dir. Charles Vidor)

29 Sep

Fucker of Shawshank slut gets job with punching instead of competency interviewing.

2/5

IMDB

The Pit And The Pendulum (1991 dir. Stuart Gordon)

2 Sep

To keep Christ happy, several women are brutally tortured in possible UKIP voter’s fantasy.

2/5

IMDB

Warm Bodies (2013 dir. Jonathan Levine)

31 Aug

Music masks mediocrity.

2/5

IMDB

Sinister (2012 dir. Scott Derrickson)

24 Aug

Long-haired foster parent fails at You’ve Been Framed.

2/5

IMDB

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013 dir. Tommy Wirkola)

18 Aug

Countless women receive face punches in Chris Brown-inspired Alpen commercial.

2/5

IMDB

Highlander (1986 dir. Russell Mulcahy)

9 Aug

Braveheart in carparks follows the most 80s opening 3 minutes of cinema ever.

2/5

IMDB

Monsters University (2013 dir. Dan Scanlon)

7 Aug

Animal House remade to sell lunchboxes.

2/5

IMDB

The Wasp Woman (1959 dir. Roger Corman)

6 Aug

In order to increase fuckability and company revenue, executive removes glasses.

2/5

IMDB

The Great Gatsby (2013 dir. Baz Luhrmann)

29 Jul

Two affluent side-partings invest resources into bagging the same lady’s fuckhole.

2/5

IMDB

Scanners (1981 dir. David Cronenberg)

22 Jul

Foreheads seek to increase paracetamol sales using stern looks.

2/5

IMDB

Gangster Squad (2013 dir. Ruben Fleischer)

14 Jul

Face-punching and stomach-kicking and face-punching and shooting in Hollywoodland.

2/5

IMDB

Oz The Great And Powerful (2013 dir. Sam Raimi)

7 Jul

Irritating fraud does battle with dictators using entertainment.

2/5

IMDB

Jack The Giant Slayer (2013 dir. Bryan Singer)

5 Jul

Daily Mail subject matter does battle with Sun readers using foliage.

2/5

IMDB

Flight (2012 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

23 Jun

Thesp shows us it’s ok to fly aircraft whilst under the influence of drink and drugs as long as you tell someone about it afterwards.

2/5

IMDB

The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

15 May

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5

IMDB

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