48 Hrs. (1982 dir. Walter Hill)

Future gravel throat pairs with future star of flops to walk quickly from scene to scene.

2/5

Demolition Man (1993 dir. Marco Brambilla)

Muscleheads spoil a eutopian future with poorly realised fight scenes.

2/5

Thor: The Dark World (2013 dir. Alan Taylor)

Star Wars the IKEA Menace.

2/5

Once Upon A Time In Mexico (2003 dir. Robert Rodriquez)

All working Hispanics in Hollywood spin around and shoot each other.

2/5

Roadhouse (1989 dir. Rowdy Herrington)

Professional face-kicker makes redundancies without HR consultation, then defeats unchecked capitalism.

2/5

 

Combat Shock (1986 dir. Buddy Giovinazzo)

Like a knock-off Taxi Driver minus qualified editor.

2/5

A Crude Awakening (2006 dir. Basil Gelpke & Ray McCormack)

The foretelling of the time when mankind will be forced to do more exercise.

2/5

Redacted (2007 dir. Brian De Palma)

Paranormal Activity meets Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

2/5

The Money Pit (1986 dir. Richard Benjamin)

Housing bubble proves fruitful for independent tradesmen.

2/5

Runaway (1984 dir. Michael Crichton)

Infamous ‘tache has drawn out battles with the worst-looking robots in film history.

2/5

Gilda (1946 dir. Charles Vidor)

Fucker of Shawshank slut gets job with punching instead of competency interviewing.

2/5

The Pit And The Pendulum (1991 dir. Stuart Gordon)

To keep Christ happy, several women are brutally tortured in possible UKIP voter’s fantasy.

2/5

Warm Bodies (2013 dir. Jonathan Levine)

Music masks mediocrity.

2/5

Sinister (2012 dir. Scott Derrickson)

Long-haired foster parent fails at You’ve Been Framed.

2/5

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013 dir. Tommy Wirkola)

Countless women receive face punches in Chris Brown-inspired Alpen commercial.

2/5

Highlander (1986 dir. Russell Mulcahy)

Braveheart in carparks follows the most 80s opening 3 minutes of cinema ever.

2/5

Monsters University (2013 dir. Dan Scanlon)

Animal House remade to sell lunchboxes.

2/5

The Wasp Woman (1959 dir. Roger Corman)

In order to increase fuckability and company revenue, executive removes glasses.

2/5

The Great Gatsby (2013 dir. Baz Luhrmann)

Two affluent side-partings invest resources into bagging the same lady’s fuckhole.

2/5

Scanners (1981 dir. David Cronenberg)

Foreheads seek to increase paracetamol sales using stern looks.

2/5

Gangster Squad (2013 dir. Ruben Fleischer)

Face-punching and stomach-kicking and face-punching and shooting in Hollywoodland.

2/5

Oz The Great And Powerful (2013 dir. Sam Raimi)

Irritating fraud does battle with dictators using entertainment.

2/5

Jack The Giant Slayer (2013 dir. Bryan Singer)

Daily Mail subject matter does battle with Sun readers using foliage.

2/5

Flight (2012 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

Thesp shows us it’s ok to fly aircraft whilst under the influence of drink and drugs as long as you tell someone about it afterwards.

2/5

The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5