The Impossible (2012 dir. Juan Antonio Bayona)

Whites playing Hispanics get soaked in the pursuit of Oscar glory.

3/5

Sinister (2012 dir. Scott Derrickson)

Long-haired foster parent fails at You’ve Been Framed.

2/5

Sightseers (2012 dir. Ben Wheatly)

Bonnie & Clyde (with learning difficulties) meets Countryfile.

3/5

Maniac 2012 (dir. Franck Khalfoun)

Like Lord of The Rings in reverse, with women’s scalps instead of jewellery.

3/5

Flight (2012 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

Thesp shows us it’s ok to fly aircraft whilst under the influence of drink and drugs as long as you tell someone about it afterwards.

2/5

Playing For Keeps (2012 dir. Gabriele Muccino)

Indulgent Scot chooses family over football and fanny.

1/5

Cloud Atlas (2012 dir. Lana & Andy Wachowski and Tom Tykwer)

A spiritual game of ‘spot the actor’ across three centuries/hours.

3/5

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

The Five-Year Engagement (2012 dir. Nicholas Stoller)

Big Jew bags half decent skirt twice despite delivering poor quality fuck sessions.

1/5

American Pie: Reunion (2012 dir. Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg)

Actors glad of the work evoke nostalgia in a world where all girls blossom to become hot sluts.

2/5

Beasts Of The Southern Wild (2012 dir. Benh Zeitlin)

A blurry look through innocent eyes at the creation of Maury Povich guests.

3/5

Ruby Sparks (2012 dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris)

Perennial beta male proves that the perfect woman doesn’t exist.

3/5

ParaNorman (2012 dir. Sam Fell & Chris Butler)

The Sixth Sense merges with Night of The Living Dead in Jew-voiced town.

2/5

Red Dawn (2012 dir. Dan Bradley)

Corporate fast food helps all-American sports fans defeat communism.

2/5

Killing Them Softly (2012 dir. Andrew Dominik)

A stylish look at gunshot wounds and Obama’s rise to power.

3/5

Wreck-It Ralph (2012 dir. Rich Moore)

A gay dictator is overthrown with the help of food marketing.

4/5

The Master (2012 dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

Foreheaded veteran of bumbling assistant parts relishes playing the alpha male for once.

4/5

Battleship (2012 dir. Peter Berg)

To win over future father-in-law, douchebag must save the world from bar rock and the full force of ILM hard drives.

2/5

The Sessions (2012 dir. Ben Lewin)

Lay-about uses nostalgia to enjoy brief fuckfests.

4/5

That’s My Boy (2012 dir. Sean Anders)

Deadbeat Jew makes friends and influences people using beer marketing slogan.

2/5

The Imposter (2012 dir. Bart Layton)

Spaniard goes to great lengths to experience junk food and rodeos.

3/5

Django Unchained (2012 dir. Quentin Tarantino)

Chinned hero of film students replaces trademark lengthy walking scenes with lengthy horse riding scenes.

4/5

Silver Linings Playbook (2012 dir. David O. Russell)

A loving family help their son overcome mental illness using gambling and sports jerseys.

4/5

Lawless (2012 dir. John Hillcoat)

Various stars get their faces punched in the name of tramp juice.

3/5

Zero Dark Thirty (2012 dir. Kathryn Bigelow)

Reuters spoils dramatic Call of Duty/Blair Witch finale.

4/5