Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

Bad Boys (1983 dir. Rick Rosenthal)

Long-haired delinquent helps Jewish room mate develop lung cancer.

3/5

 

Uncommon Valor (1983 dir. Ted Kothceff)

Like a Rambo 4 blueprint, minus squibs and disembowlments.

2/5

Confidentially Yours (1983 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Pervert breaks several employment laws to prove he did not commit shotgun attrocity.

2/5

Flashdance (1983 dir. Adrian Lyne)

Sweating Pepsi addict interupts dance sequences with romance.

2/5

Streamers (1983 dir. Robert Altman)

With the threat of war and anal sex hanging in the air, a young African American stereotype loses his mind.

3/5

Trading Places (1983 dir. John Landis)

Posh Ghostbuster converts from Republican to Democrat for a Christmas bet.

3/5

Wargames (1983 dir. John Badham)

A young Ferris Bueller prevents nuclear holocaust by playing naughts & crosses with gigantic PC.

3/5

Rumble Fish (1983 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

Calm motorcycle/animal enthusiast returns to old haunt to take part in artistically-shot street brawls.

3/5

The Outsiders (1983 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

Despite absence of Karate Kid, oiled street toughs defeat Republican types in much-hyped fist fight.

3/5

The Fourth Man (1983 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Dutch nose spoils moment of ejaculation by speaking of Biblical figures before experiencing world’s fastest haircut and mental breakdown.

3/5

Zelig (1983 dir. Woody Allen)

Forest Gump blueprint features abomination instead of dimwit, and includes Billie Jean-inspired sub plot.

3/5

Christine (1983)

Evil street toughs regret fleeing from vintage Decepticon by running away in a perfectly straight line down the highway.

3/5

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return Of The Jedi (1983)

Surprisingly inept dictatorship army succumbs to the might of Wizard Of Oz extras and nature.

3/5