JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.

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Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

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Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

JOB AD: Ghostbuster

Ghostbuster – New York City, USA (field-based) – Perm – $18-25k + Healthcare + Company vehicle

Ghostbusters Inc. does one thing and one thing only – bust ghosts! Since 1984 we have experienced year-on-year growth due to delighting our customers in New York with outstanding cutomer service and delivery with every job we do. With patented technology, and an energetic and fun working culture, we have become the only company that people turn to when ghosts attack. Who you gonna call? Us.

Due to a recent surge in paranormal activity, we now require an additional Ghostbuster to visit clients’ premises around the city to deliver our worldclass ghostbusting service to challenging SLAs. This is strictly a service delivery position without any sales involved.

The Ghosbuster is an extremely physical role, so those seeking a desk job where their hands don’t get dirty need not apply.

The Ghostbuster works well unsupervised or as part of a team

Candidates should ideally have experience of or be comfortable with particle accelorator weaponry, though a full morning’s training will be given for using our unique Proton Packs.

Individuals that have performed on the television show Saturday Night Live will be looked upon with considerable favour, as will those with a full driving license.

Good organisational skills and the ability to prioritise are a must. Candidates must also demonstrate superb communications skills as this is a customer-facing role. They should be comfortable around senior stakeholders such s democratically elected government officials and their unpopular assistants.

To apply, please turn up unannounced at our New York headquarters and ask for Dr. Peter Venkman, Ph.d, upon arrival for an informal interview.

Ghostbusters Inc. is an equal opportunities employer and does not discriminate on the ground of age, sex, race or take-away food prefererence.

JOB AD: Factory Manager in Schindler’s List

Factory General Manager – Krakow, Poland – Perm – EUR30-50k + 5 days holiday

Are you an experienced manufacturing professional looking for a new challenge? Due to a recent invasion, we now have a fantastic opportunity for a permanent Factory General Manager (FGM) to be fully accountable for a new manufacturing venture set to take full advantage of the recent surge in demand for army mess kits.

You will be fully responsible for plant, profit, people and process, as well as being accountable to our shareholders in the National Socialist German Worker’s Party.

To succeed in this role, you will need outstanding leaderships skills and will enjoy inspiring others to consistently meet and exceed challenging volume targets, within agreed timescales. The FGM will have a Site Engineering Manager, two Manufacturing Managers, a HR Manager and several Team Managers reporting into him/her.

Ideally candidates will have come from a continuous manufacturing environment and have knowledge of either Six Sigma, Kaizen or other Lean manufacturing methodology. Philanthropists will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Eyes on the prize: The FGM should have energy and enthusiasm in abundance

With the threat of death hanging over their heads at all times, our shopfloor team members occasionally lose focus and motivation. Therefore, our new FGM will be expected to design and implement appropriate cultural initiatives to make sure the Krakow plant is seen as a fun place to work and an employer of choice.

Apart from a generous salary and benefits package, the successful candidate will be given a complimentary mess kit as a sign-on bonus, and will also have access to their very own Jewish accountant.

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If this sounds like the role for you, please visit one of the heavily-armed guards at checkpoint 12.b at the Krakow Ghetto, Poland, to arrange a confidential discussion.

JOB AD: Robocop

Cyborg Crime Fighter – Old Detroit – Permanent – $competitive + bens + subsidised babyfood

Due to an unexpected surge in violent organised crime, Omni Consumer Products, working on behalf of the Detroit Police Force, now has an urgent requirement for a permanent Cyborg Police Constable on both day and night shifts ie. to work 24 hours a day, with one day off in ten to recharge battery cell, allow scientific leads to extract digital data and to consume one significant dose of protein-based high energy paste.

This role operates within a very fast-paced dystopian future and as such requires a highly organised individual capable of juggling many arrest projects at once. These will vary between detaining lone street muggers, to the full design and execution of drug cartel ‘busts’ in order to stamp out the city’s narcotics supply at its heavily-armed source.

With very little administration involved, the Cyborg Police Constable will enjoy the practical delivery of ballistic-based crime fighting solutions, though candidates should be comfortable meeting and exceeding challenging targets related to number and status of henchmen dispatched using a range of ultra-violent methodologies.

Conflict management: The employee will be provided with complimentary stabbing apparatus if required (by our preferred supplier IGN Inc.)

Candidates should be willing to sacrifice a significant portion of their organic matter in return for a contemporary Kevlar-based exoskeleton and an excellent salary & benefits package, including company car. Those that have recently been executed in a Biblical allegory will be looked upon favourably.

Knowledge of current federal laws is not necessary as all fifty titles in the United States Code will be uploaded into the successful candidate’s Intel-modified cerebral cortex during induction week.

This is a unique opportunity for a career-minded law enforcement professional to forget about friends and family for all eternity, and take the next step up in their career.

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Please send a self-addressed envelope to the following address in order for us to send out an application form: Bob Morton, Office of Corporate Bad Guys, Research & Development, Omni Consumer Products, Old Detroit, Detroit, Michigan, USA.

JOB AD: Head of Corleone Family

Chief Executive – Global Export Company – Temp – $negotiable + Car + Cat

Have you ever wanted to be fully accountable for a global P&L worth circa $500 million? Due to a near fatal shooting, we now have an interim requirement (6-24 mnths) for an experienced crime manager to control the strategic and operational projects of the Corleone Family. Based in New York and reporting in to absolutely no one, you will head up all business units specialising in extortion, gambling, racketeering, loan-sharking, bribery, murder and the exporting of kitchen-based commodities (knowledge of the olive oil market particularly desirable).

This is a very hands-off role and candidates should feel comfortable deligating significant amounts of work to management working within an organisational structure built around the Roman army. Knowledge of opening up new markets for horizontal and verticle revenue streams, for example in Nevada, will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Don Vito Corleone, CEO, addresses shareholders in 2009

The Corleone Family is an organisation that prides itself on internal promotions, particularly among blood relatives, so a critical component of this role will be in talent management and succession planning, both strategically and operationally.

The post of Corleone Family CEO is one of the most rewarding and challenging in the whole of organised crime, and requires a strong influencer of senior stakeholders eg. statesmen, judges, film producers etc. as well as a high degree of resiliance (candidates should be comfortable with at least one attempt on their lives during the duration of this FTC).

Italian-American elder preferred, though individuals with relevant experience will still be considered.

* PLEASE NOTE – THE SUCCESSFUL APPLICANT WILL BE REQUIRED TO PASS A PRE-EMPLOYMENT MEDICAL ASSESSMENT; ABSOLUTELY NO RECREATIONAL DRUG USERS TO APPLY. *

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Candidates should send a current CV and letter of interest to Tom O’Hagen (GermanIrish863@lycos.com), who will conduct initial telephone screenings at the end of July.