CV Tip #136 (Hungary)

“I’m always curious to learn new things so recently I’ve been trying to learn Hungarian.”

Great, that will get you far; learning the language from a country no one trades with or cares about and is broke.

When can you start?!

CV Tip #152 (Phil Mitchell)

Show-off:

“‘I have a full UK driving license (had for 23 years), and drive a Mercedes, with comprehensive insurance/breakdown cover.”

CV Tip #198 (Sir David Attenborough)

It’s been said countless times before, but be mindful of puting irrelevant crap on your CV for someone to trawl through:

“Married with one child (# # #  aged 2 years 6 months) 4 dogs and 1 canary.”

CV Tip #165 (Pimp my ride)

Got any nice hobbies? This is something I ask myself a lot when trying to get to the end of a crappy application.

“I got my own car which i like to fix and pimp up”

Fucking mindblowing. If there’s one word you never ever want to see on a CV, it’s the word ‘pimp’.

CV Tip #149 (Militia)

Learn to fucking proof read what you’re writing about yourself:

“A militia-skilled IT support analyst”

CV Tip #199 (Margie!)

From a CV, complete with exclamation mark for some reason:

“Margie was my team manager!”

Nice. Everyone knows Margie, right? Good ol’ Margie! Anyone that has worked for her can pretty much walk into any job they wish to.

I’m willing to bet that no recruiter or hiring manager gives a fuck about Margie, much less wants to read about her on a CV.

CV Tip #132 (Gordon Gecko)

Opening line on a CV:

“A well-dressed individual.”

Fucking fantastic. Forget skills, knowledge, experience, qualifications… if you’ve got some nice shirts in your wardrobe, that’s all you need.

CV Tip #106 (Brain surgeon)

Talk yourself up on a CV for sure but don’t get too analytical and made ridiculous statements about your own neurobiological construct:

“My brain consist of passion (30%), brave(25%), creative idea (25%) , kind and honest(20%)”

CV Tip #127 (Brian wilson)

“I play piano (badly) and guitar (less badly)”

Fucking brilliant. When can you start?

CV Tip #173 (The Holy Bable)

Let me say this once and for all; praying is not a hobby. It’s a deeply flawed and futile waste of time.

It’s also not worth stating on a CV, especially if you’re also demonstrating your total ineptness at writing English.

“I Enjoy Praying Jehovah God Yoroba Host, Watching TV Sport, News, Attending Bable Class,”

CV Tip #161 (Mr Moustache)

“I have been known to grow moustaches for Movember.”

Brilliant. What a great attribute to put on a CV, the fact that you’ve sat there for one month in the year and not bothered to shave.

CV Tip #105 (Mr Motivator)

Always remember that the CV is useful for a potential employer to decide whether you have the skills and experience to add value to the organisation.

Therefore, never put this line on a CV ever:

“I have helped a few of my friends become healthier and fitter.”

CV Tip #183 (Breaking wind)

Please for the love of Christ check your CV several times, then have someone else check it several times, to ensure typos like this do not fall into an employer’s inbox:

“i am a fart learner, and punctual, i always take interest in the job that i do.”

CV Tip #160 (The Undertaker)

Not even I can give a suggestion for giving the kiss of life back to your employability after you’ve done this kind of work:

“All aspects of funeral arranging including, transportation and presentation the of deceased, building the caskets”

CV Tip #162 (Soft Sell)

People that succeed in sales are usually assertive, driven, dynamic and more often than not, operate with a slight air of cuntishness about them. Of course, they will be closing deals and increasing revenue at all times.

So what would a sales manager make of this segment of inspiration from a CV?

‘Negotiating prices – If a buyer didn’t like the price or if it was too high, i always went out of my way to lower the price for them’

Fucking brilliant. That behaviour can’t be too great for revenue targets.

 

CV Tip #219 (20 B&H)

What do employers want to see on a CV? Skills, experience, achievements… you know, things that may make you stand out in the candidate market.

They won’t want to see this sort of thing:

‘Smoking: I smoke’

Fucking splendid. So you’re telling companies that you’ll spend around half an hour less than everyone else in the office each day as you’ll be out on cigarette breaks. Do make sure your phone’s on the hook for all those calls to interview.

CV Tip #139 (The referee’s a wanka)

A delightful bit under the ever entertaining interests section of a CV from a young hopeful:
‘Although I am not an avid supporter of football, I do suffer from time to time, the trauma of travelling all the way to Motherwell to see my friend play on his home turf’

Seriously why put yourself through the travel and despair of watching a shit football team in the cold when you’re not even a fan of the sport? There are so many better things to do on a weekend, for example doing nothing at all.

CV Tip #115 (Angry Video Game Nerd)

Again, remember the interests section on a CV is there as the final selling opportunity for you as a potential employee.

Never forget this, lest you end up with this kind of thing making you repellant to only a few firms:

‘Gaming has always been a huge part of my life. I currently own most consoles including retro as well as new, and I can adapt to most game styles as my collection of games include at least three games from each game genre’

Yes, we all enjoy the odd round of Call of Duty from time to time but will never discuss it whilst job hunting.

CV Tip #77 (Let’s get physical)

From the education section of a CV:

‘GSCE Physical Education – Grade G‘

How does one get a grade so low in that subject, sit on the fucking floor rocking back and forth during the practical exam?

CV Tip #97 (Stop Press)

I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.

But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:

‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation

McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’

CV Tip #169 (Gollum)

From the interests section at the end of a CV:

‘In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, listening to music, watching television and occasionally going out during the evening with friends.’

Fucking brilliant, if the employer is looking for a recluse.

CV Tip #172 (Magaluf?)

From a career history on a CV:

‘2009 I was Holidays in Abroad back to learn world cultures and adventure’

I can say with confidence that an in-house recruiter who has to wade through an ocean of crap CVs in a stuffy office day in day out does not want to know about you living the high life. Puting ‘career break’ or ‘travel’ would have been fine in this instance.

What’s even worse is the fact that you’ve also demonstrated the literacy aptitude of a five year old.

CV Tip #152 (Don’t Stop Believin’)

From the interest section of a CV:

‘listen to 70^s and 80^s rock music.’

You’re not in a pub discussing bands with your mates. Keep it vague on a CV at all times.

CV Tip #148 (Fat Slag)

I realise that when creating your first email address to share with your friends, having something silly can be quite amusing and helps retain a sense of individuality amongst the group.

But fucking hell what impression does this sort of thing, including text talk, give to an employer when they see it on a CV?

‘H1_Ladz@………….‘

CV Tip #96 (Dungeons & Dragons)

I really cannot emphasise enough the care needed in how much detail you put under your personal interests at the bottom of a CV. Some employers read all the way to the bottom you know.

If you must, ‘role playing games’ would have sufficed here:

‘I enjoy a wide variety of music, the arts and sci-fi and fantasy literature. I have guided small groups of adventurers through some of the more dangerous areas of Azeroth.’