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500th Post Spectacular

20 Dec

Somehow we’ve managed to notch up 500 posts. Here’s a list of learnings, observations and general thoughts inspired by the last few months of bloggery.

1. In John Hughes’ world, immigration never happened.

2. According to Woody Allen, everyone has three masters degrees and seeks psychoanalysis.

3. Quentin Tarantino should have his characters shut the fuck up once in a while so he can tell a proper story.

4. A Pixar clunker is as rare as a half-decent Adam Sandler picture.

5. If Martin Scorcese was to be believed, 89% of all Italian-Americans are in some way connected to a crime family.

6. Very few horror flicks are above average. The same goes for films with Joel Schumacher at the helm.

7. In teen movies, those that exceed at sports will usually be more evil than Pol Pot and/or suffer a horrible death.

8. Star Wars is generally rubbish.

9. Annie Hall is the funniest film of all time.

10. The early 90s charts were defined by raggae, metallic pianos, bomber jackets and sadly George Michael.

11. Louis Walsh is ridiculously behind the times and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a recording ‘artist’.

12. Not wearing a tuxedo and not singing a Westlife song makes you very ‘current’ in Simon Cowell’s eyes.

13. This time next year, Cher Lloyd will be the only X Factor contestant from 2010 with any semblance of a career.

14. If you have a craving for long, deep shots, and claustrophobia, then you need to see some John Carpenter films.

15. Some job-seekers should really just give up and spend their days in bed, masturbating, rather than wasting my time by sending in terrible CVs for jobs  that even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t get an interview for. That would keep all of us happy.

16. Speaking of horror films, it seems France is the new Japan. Bring on the tamer Hollywood remakes!

17. As big a fan as I am of Ricky Gervais’ TV and stand-up work, I think I could live without another motion picture of his getting made. They just don’t work effectively.

18. There is nothing I want to happen more in the world than to see Paul Verhoeven return to Hollywood.

19. Jingle All The Way and Nightmare On Elm Street 4 are two of the worst films ever made.

20. Lightbulbs are almost always ineffective in David Fincher’s world.

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N.W.A. – ‘I’d Rather Fuck You’ (1991)

15 Nov

I’d rather fuck with you,
‘Cause the other bitches wanna wine and dine (fuck all that).
I better hurry up and bust a nut,
‘Cause it’s check-out time.
She said she wanted me to eat the pussy,
Well I think I’ll pass (I don’t think so).
So get your ass up you funky bitch,
and wash your ass (sing this motherfucking shit).

I prefer women with low self-esteem.

N.W.A. – ‘Automobile’ (1991)

15 Nov

All I want is the pussy [ha!]
All I want is the pussy [pussy]
All I want is the pussy [godamn right!]
All I want is the pussy [pussy pussy pussy pussy..]
If you’d be good to me, [yeah, ho’]
ohh I’ll be good to you,
and we’ll both ride home in my automobile [kick some more shit]
we’ll both ride home in my automobile… [ah yeah]

I am a man of simple pleasures.

N.W.A. – ‘Gangsta Gangsta’ (1988)

6 Nov

And all you bitches, you know I’m talkin’ to you
“We want to fuck you Eazy!” I want to fuck you too

I’m a people person

The Pack – ‘Titties’ (2010)

6 Nov

I love those little titties
Big titties
Grandma’s saggy titties
Victoria’s Secrets
All the breasts around the world

The type of woman I keep the company of tends to vary.

Dr. Dre – ‘Fuck You’ (1999)

4 Nov

I just wanna fuuuuuck you
No touchin’ and rubbin’ gul, you got a husband who
Loves.. you..
Don’t need you all in mine
I just wanna fuuuuuck you
We can’t be kissin’ and huggin’ gul, you got a husband who
Loves.. you..
You need to give him your quality time

I have a pressing schedule to keep to but would like our relationship to get more physical.

Dr. Dre – ‘Bridgette’ (1996)

4 Nov

There once was a girl I knew named Bridgette
She asked me was my dick a grown man or a midgette
Of course I had to show her all my balls, ring ding-aling
I whipped out my whopper but we wasn’t at Burger King

I must confess to having a generously-proportioned member.

Method Man – ‘Biscuits’ (1994)

3 Nov

Yo mama don’t wear no drawers!
I saw her when she took them off!
Standin’ on the welfare line, eatin’ swine
Tryin’ to look fine, with her stank behind
You can ask the bitch and she’ll tell ya fast
Meth-Tical got STYLE with his nasty ass

I believe that your mother has let herself go as of late.

Ice Cube – ‘Get Off My Dick And Tell Yo Bitch To Come Here’ (1990)

3 Nov

Women you can ride but man be a man
Shake my hand and make it a firm shake
Say what’s up Ice Cube and then break
Cause if you’re hangin’ there Ima tell you loud and clear
Get off my my dick nigga and tell your bitch to come here

Anything more than gentlemanly admiration will see me turn my intentions towards your wife.

Dr. Dre – ‘Nigga Witta Gun’ (1992)

3 Nov

D-r-e! A mutherfucker who’s known for carryin’ gats
And kick raps that make snaps.
Adapts to anything violent that I’m located at.

I can combine military-grade fire arms with rhyme to devastating effect.

Eazy-E – ‘Nutz On Ya Chin’ (1995)

3 Nov

Most kids in Compton don’t give a fuck who the Mayor or the President is
You know they’re not even interested in votin’.
And the police, you know what I’m sayin?
I say fuck `em.

There is certainly room for improvement in our local authorities.

NWA – ‘Findum, Fuckum & Flee’ (1991)

3 Nov

No, it’s the E, the muthafuckin’ pussy beater,
And I’m the ‘quicker-picker-upper” quick to pick up a bitch,
So come here bitch and lick up the – lick up the – lick up the dick!
Now how many nuts would it take for me,
To let that bitch graduate to lesson 3? Let’s see…

Despite my reputation, I’d love to get to know you better over dinner.

Public Enemy – ‘Is Your God A Dog’ (1998)

3 Nov

Rainy days from stormy nights
Though the stars shined
Days were bright
Live and die by the sword
Come playoff time
Is your lord a god
Or is your god a dog?

Today’s weather will be an improvement on yesterday’s.

N-Dubz – ‘Wouldn’t You’ (2008)

3 Nov

Haha I can give you that haha
Let me give you that hahahahaha

I find our current exchange amusing.

Wu-Tang Clan – ‘Bring Da Ruckus’ (1993)

3 Nov

Bring da motherfuckin ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin ruckus
Bring da mother, bring da motherfuckin ruckus
Bring da motherfuckin ruckus

I am very keen for you and I to settle our differences by throwing hands.

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