Poltergeist (1982 dir. Tobe Hooper)

Republican iconography gets overrun with dated video recording equipment.

3/5

Lincoln (2012 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Well bearded caucasians discuss how to increase unemployment in the black community.

3/5

Empire Of The Sun (1987 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Atom bomb nearly used as metaphor for the onset of teen masturbation.

3/5

Always (1989 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Pilot increases his lady’s fuckability tenfold before being blown to pieces.

2/5

Amistad (1997 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Shouting using various languages in court.

2/5

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Charming update of Pinocchio, with man-whoring and neon lights.

3/5

War Horse (2011 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Like Saving Private Ryan with agriculture.

3/5

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of The Unicorn (2011 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Likable mariner battles alcoholism with tourism.

3/5

Catch Me If You Can (2002 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Veteran beard takes a light-hearted look at identity theft, serious fraud and fuck selling in the sixties.

3/5

Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Christ fanatics travel the globe in search of a glass of water.

3/5

Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom (1984 dir. Steven Spielberg)

By linking child slave labour to devout worship in the east, veteran Jew antagonises fans of non-Abrahamic religions.

4/5

Hook (1991 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Hairy solicitor remembers pre-masturbation days with the help of badly brought up youths.

2/5

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997 dir. Steven Spielberg)

British thesp types seek to secure/hunt ever-so-slightly dated special effects in a jungle.

3/5

The Colour Purple (1985 dir. Steven Speilberg)

Tubby chatshow host threatens to disrupt domestic physical and mental abuse schedule in the middle of nowhere.

2/5

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977 dir. Steven Spielberg)

After arriving late for band rehearsal, alien mothership kidnaps Jaws academic with ease.

4/5

Jurassic Park (1993 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Biological tinkering by posh demigod leads to the butchering of evil Seinfeld postman.

5/5

JOB AD: Factory Manager in Schindler’s List

Factory General Manager – Krakow, Poland – Perm – EUR30-50k + 5 days holiday

Are you an experienced manufacturing professional looking for a new challenge? Due to a recent invasion, we now have a fantastic opportunity for a permanent Factory General Manager (FGM) to be fully accountable for a new manufacturing venture set to take full advantage of the recent surge in demand for army mess kits.

You will be fully responsible for plant, profit, people and process, as well as being accountable to our shareholders in the National Socialist German Worker’s Party.

To succeed in this role, you will need outstanding leaderships skills and will enjoy inspiring others to consistently meet and exceed challenging volume targets, within agreed timescales. The FGM will have a Site Engineering Manager, two Manufacturing Managers, a HR Manager and several Team Managers reporting into him/her.

Ideally candidates will have come from a continuous manufacturing environment and have knowledge of either Six Sigma, Kaizen or other Lean manufacturing methodology. Philanthropists will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Eyes on the prize: The FGM should have energy and enthusiasm in abundance

With the threat of death hanging over their heads at all times, our shopfloor team members occasionally lose focus and motivation. Therefore, our new FGM will be expected to design and implement appropriate cultural initiatives to make sure the Krakow plant is seen as a fun place to work and an employer of choice.

Apart from a generous salary and benefits package, the successful candidate will be given a complimentary mess kit as a sign-on bonus, and will also have access to their very own Jewish accountant.

–

If this sounds like the role for you, please visit one of the heavily-armed guards at checkpoint 12.b at the Krakow Ghetto, Poland, to arrange a confidential discussion.

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Despised all-American gets possessed by ungrateful alien botanist in lengthy Coca Cola promotional video.

4/5

The Terminal (2004)

Stranded fuckwit resolves social problems in exchange for heavily-promoted junk food, whilst squatting at airport.

3/5

Jaws (1975)

Arsehole fisherman/war veteran makes life hell for hairy academic at sea in Hollywood-changing immigration allegory.

4/5

Schindler’s List (1993)

Factory general manager struggles to meet production targets due to particularly strong union interference.

5/5

Minority Report (2002)

Washed-out dystopian future inspires cutting edge Xbox peripheral.

3/5

Gremlins (1984)

Highly-evolved unclassified species instantly picks up practical theories of complex electrical circuitry as hell comes to It’s A Wonderful Life.

3/5

Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981)

Trigger-happy brawler with impressive academics takes many connecting flights without enduring airport delays.

4/5

Innerspace (1987)

Cut-price Indiana Jones learns about biology.

2/5