Lifeforce (1985 dir. Tobe Hooper)

British gents seek dangerous tits.

3/5

Deep Red (1975 dir. Dario Argento)

Bad plastering inflates act three.

3/5

The Pit And The Pendulum (1991 dir. Stuart Gordon)

To keep Christ happy, several women are brutally tortured in possible UKIP voter’s fantasy.

2/5

Sinister (2012 dir. Scott Derrickson)

Long-haired foster parent fails at You’ve Been Framed.

2/5

Rosemary’s Baby (1968 dir. Roman Polanski)

A 2+ hour long warning over the dangers of unprotected fucking.

4/5

Evil Dead (2013 dir. Fede Alvarez)

The visual representation of a Sunday Guardian feminism rant.

3/5

Scanners (1981 dir. David Cronenberg)

Foreheads seek to increase paracetamol sales using stern looks.

2/5

Society (1989 dir. Brian Yuzna)

How a Guardian reporter imagines the inner workings of the Conservative Party.

3/5

Maniac 2012 (dir. Franck Khalfoun)

Like Lord of The Rings in reverse, with women’s scalps instead of jewellery.

3/5

Poltergeist (1982 dir. Tobe Hooper)

Republican iconography gets overrun with dated video recording equipment.

3/5

Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

The Last House On The Left (1972 dir. Wes Craven)

The awkward moment when you start nursing the people that recently fucked and killed your only child.

1/5

City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

Demons (1985 dir. Lamberta Bava)

Muck-filled metaphor for the (literal) death of cinema audiences at the hands of digital media.

3/5

The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

Braindead (1992 dir. Peter Jackson)

Ethnic retail assistant realises mummy’s boy is man of her dreams after he reduces party guests to pulped trifle.

3/5

Broken (2006 dir. Simon Boyes)

Eccentric enslaves women at campsite in possible Playboy Mansion competitor start-up.

1/5

Repulsion (1965 dir. Roman Polanksi)

Ancient photo causes unfucked lunatic to fend off fuck advances with homicide.

4/5

Twixt (2011 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

Like a long-haired Alan Wake, with Stephen King aspirations.

3/5

A Serbian Film (2010 dir. Srdjan Spasojevic)

Shaggy Balkan give new meaning to the phrase ‘something in my eye’ after accidentally bonding with family.

2/5

Surf Nazis Must Die (1987 dir. Peter George)

Sunseekers object to murder and right-wing politics.

1/5