Le Déjeuner Sur L’herbe (1959 dir. Jean Renoir)

The world’s greatest scientist nearly loses his mind over peasant girl’s fuckhole.

3/5

La Bête Humaine (1938 dir. Jean Renoir)

High maintenance female prefers lovers who have committed violent murder.

3/5

La Grande Illusion (1937 dir. Jean Renoir)

Frenchmen desperately escape their pleasant German captors simply due to a ban on light entertainment.

4/5

Toni (1935 dir Jean Renoir)

Hard graft leaves non-actor lonely, poor and with severe blue balls.

3/5

I Stand Alone (1998 dir. Gaspar Noe)

Miserable old sod has a go at supporting cast members behind their backs.

3/5

Diary of a Country Priest (1951 dir. Robert Bresson)

Sozzled clergyman winds up most of the supporting cast.

3/5

The Bride Wore Black (1968 dir. Francois Truffaut)

A wank over Hitchcock by French auteur results in Kill Bill blueprint.

3/5

Bed And Board (1970 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Copier of John Lennon’s sex life swaps one crap job for another.

2/5

The Devil, Probably (1977 dir. Robert Bresson)

Seal-clubbing and corduroy jackets drive a young longhair to euthanasia.

2/5

Anne And Muriel (1971 dir. Francois Truffaut)

After driving woman insane with his penis, French beta male fucks her sister in a barn.

2/5

The Woman Next Door (1981 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Devastating nose cannot repell mistress from seeking seconds from male lead.

2/5

A Gorgeous Girl Like Me (1972 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Discussing slut’s previous fuck partners leads to imprisonment of poindexter.

2/5

Confidentially Yours (1983 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Pervert breaks several employment laws to prove he did not commit shotgun attrocity.

2/5

Tell No One (2006 dir. Guillaume Canet)

Demented Dad goes to great lenghts to ensure daughter’s life remains fuck free.

3/5

A Prophet (2009 dir. Jacques Audiard)

Like a French Shawshank Redemption, with more arterial blood spurts and less personal shopping.

5/5

Pickpocket (1959 dir. Robert Bresson)

Beta male fails at robbery.

4/5

The Trial of Joan of Arc (1962 dir. Robert Bresson)

Boy meets girl, boy asks girl about religion, girl gets used as bonfire fuel.

3/5

Masculin Féminin (1966 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Fuck interviews permeate pop singer’s rise to obscurity.

3/5

Vivre Sa Vie (1962 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Director gives away spoilers twelve times in delightful tale of walking fuckseller.

4/5

Au Hasard Balthazar (1966 dir. Robert Bresson)

Unfortunate ass demonstrates superior acting ability to savage rural types.

3/5

L’argent de Poche (Pocket Money) (1976 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Girly-haired lads bond over child abuse and tit-spotting in French Rear Window.

4/5

Two or Three Things I Know About Her (1967 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Whispering auteur condemns fuck-selling and consumerism before succumbing to product placement in final scene.

3/5

Mouchette (1967 dir. Robert Bresson)

Mud-slinger regrets fuckfest with epileptic.

3/5

Les Dames du Bois de Boulogne (1945 dir. Robert Bresson)

A middle aged Ferris Bueller lookalike accidentally marries a dying slut.

2/5

Détective (1985 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Training strategy of Rocky Balboa mimicked, with tennis balls and bare tits replacing meat carcasses.

2/5