Queen – ‘Bohemian Rhapsody / These Are The Days Of Our Lives’ (Song 16 of 16)

Isn’t releasing a double A-side cheating a little bit, especially when one half of it is one of the most beloved songs of all time? The latter half is pretty much a waste of everyone’s time as there isn’t a single second of it that is memorable. This is the equivalent of puting a piece of chalk and a piece of cheese into a cassette box and selling it in Woolworth’s. Still, it’s never too late to kick back and appreciate the might of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’; arguably Queen’s one and only decent song.

5/5

George Michael & Elton John – ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ (Song 15 of 16)

For as long as I can remember, the record industry has used subtle warnings for those of us that enjoy good music that what they are about to listen to will more than likely suck arseholes. George Michael is one such warning. Elton John is another. And true to the ideology, this duet/song sucks arses.

1/5

Michael Jackson – ‘Black Or White’ (Song 14 of 16)

Yes. Michael fucking Jackson. Let’s face it – we were all jealous of Mac for getting to hang out with Jacko, even though he was our age, in the early 90s. It seemed a little odd. Now we know why. But anyway, this song led me to buy my first album, ‘Dangerous’, on stereo cassette, so will always be important in some way. The song is still pretty decent. I love how it starts. A kid is playing some pop-metal and his Dad orders him to turn the volume down. Instead of doing as he’s told, he instead proclaims ‘eat this’ and blasts out some 90s chart pop – namely this, as if it’s supposed to be that much more extreme. It isn’t, but it’s a neat single spoiled only by the cod-wrapping at 2:43 which itself proceeds an actual pop-breakdown. Yes, a breakdown. It’s a nice message but I think being black sure as hell mattered a little to Jacko in the late 80s because he had an operation to make himself white don’t forget.

3/5

Vic Reeves & The Wonder Stuff – ‘Dizzy’ (Song 13 of 16)

What’s better than a key change? The answer is twelve key changes, which is one more than the original of this hit from 1969. That’s the thing I love about the charts in the 90s – they were open to a few oldies, or revamps of a few oldies. It wouldn’t happen now, and that’s one of many reasons why today’s charts suck. Fucking forget getting a record deal now unless your single is either about clubbing or living on a London estate. Anyway, I actually prefer this one to the original Tommy Roe version, which is a bit slow and ploddy. This cuts right to the chase with a listenable guitar riff and passable vocals. Despite the childish lyrics, this is pretty rockin’ for a 90s chart-topper. Vic Reeves’ vocals are actually better than those in the Wonder Stuff’s regular work, at least on record. The Ventures even covered this, minus singing but with additional trumpet, and it’s worth a listen because the Ventures rocked.

3/5

U2 – ‘The Fly’ (Song 12 of 16)

Listening to this song and waiting for something interesting to happen is like waiting for a bus that when it arrives says ‘out of service’ on it. It’s a frustrating experience to say the least, with Bono’s heavy breathing being bolstered by a lethargic beat and guitary noise that doesn’t really go anywhere. I suppose every successful band has to get through the stage in the career whereby critics have rubbed out so many sperm cells over their previous work that they believe simply entering a recording studio gives them the right to release something, no matter how pointless it may be. It’s U2. It sucks. Let’s move on.

0/5

Bryan Adams – ‘Everything I Do (I Do It For You)’ (Song 11 of 16)

This is the big one. This is Godzilla stomping over all other recording artists in the form of crumbling cardboard buildings. It’s a beast in every sense of the word. It stands at an intimidating 6:34 in length and was at the top of the charts for 16 fucking weeks. It also sold a shit ton of units. Make no mistake about it – Bryan Adams’ slow, unoffensive whining with occasional spatterings of rock guitar was a force to be reckoned with in 1991. This coupled with his Rod-Stewart-after-a-wank vocal husk and Adams was practcally unstoppable. It gets a point instantly for simply being at the top of the charts for so long, preventing the need for me to listen to a load of other awful songs no doubt. Also, the minor chord at 2:43 is totally unexpected and cutting edge.

2/5

Jason Donovan – ‘Any Dream Will Do’ (Song 10 of 16)

Before iPods and underage sex, theatre productions were a big deal for kids and probably the ultimate bane for their parents. I wouldn’t recommend this song though. It has the potential to drive you insane with a melody that simply will. Not. Disappear. You’ll end up in the corner of a room, rocking from side to side, in a light calypso-beat induced state of derangement. I’ll give it a point for probably helping to curb youth crime in the early 90s though.

1/5

Colour Me Badd – ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ (Song 9 of 16)

1991 was an innocent time… perhaps too innocent for Colour Me Badd. It’s basically sex music clothed in bomber jackets.

1/5

Cher – ‘The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss)’ (Song 8 of 16)

This was originally a hit for Betty Everett in 1964, after which it’s been covered by pretty much every middle aged human with a record deal. Again, it’s an oldie with a more modern spin, which I’m all for. It still doesn’t make me want to see the motion picture ‘Mermaids’ though.

1/5

Chesney Hawks – ‘The One And Only’ (Song 7 of 16)

The darling of freshers’ balls across the land after the turn of the millenium, Hawks had this one and only (lol) hit which topped the charts for five weeks. People must have thought he was indeed the one and only individual to have a record deal at the time and that’s the way it was going to be – a lifetime of endless Chesney Hawks singles and albums and nothing else on the radio. Luckily this never happened.

Hawks’ subsequent works persistently flopped, so much so that he turned to reality TV to earn a living. Anyway, this song doesn’t fuck around. It virtually begins with the chorus sung acapella. I love it when bands do this. It’s like they just couldn’t wait to get their message laid down, and music be damned. The worst thing about it is the clumsy middle eight at 2:15 though, but in general, I can’t think of a better anthem to kick start a term reading social anthropology to.

2/5

Hale & Pace – ‘The Stonk’ (Song 6 of 16)

The fact that this made £100k for Comic Relief is the only reason it got a single point from me. Brian May from Queen was also on this 50s rock-inspired goof-a-thon. The choice of shots used in the video are interesting though, namely the one of the musicians-in-the-recording-studio-together. These are usually reserved only for groups that believe at the time that they are making music history which just had to be committed to videotape to preserve the momentous occasion forever. Maybe they were doing that with ‘The Stonk’.

1/5

The Clash – ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’ (Song 5 of 16)

Despite the guitar tone just screaming chewing gum, this actually went to the top of the charts ten years after its recording off the back of a jeans advert. This is rock and this is roll, but the only thing that irks me is the tempo change, which happens twice and interupts the groove.

3/5

The Simpsons – ‘Do The Bartman’ (Song 4 of 16)

This was co-written by Michael Jackson and Bart was voiced by a woman. Those are the only interesting things I can say about this piece of shit.

0/5

The KLF ft. The Children Of The Revolution – ‘3 A.M. Eternal’ (Song 3 of 16)

The song is awful… same dance beat, some shitty rapping and the song seems to be solely underpinned by someone saying the group’s name. Anyway, delve into their biography, and the KLF are actually pretty entertaining. They topped the charts in the very late 80s with a fucked up version of the Dr Who theme tune. They sold a shit ton of records. They were at one point known as The Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu, which itself makes this blog worth doing in the first place. Once they’d paid back costs, they were left with a million quid, which they decided to burn and turn into a single brick in 1994 for the sake of art. I’ll bet they regret doing that now.
0/5

Queen – ‘Innuendo’ (Song 2 of 16)

This one is a mess, being pieced together from several other songs that have nothing in common. It’s littered with tempo changes and features both flamenco and heavy metal guitaring. It’s also nowhere near as good as Queen’s more well known singles.

2/5

Enigma – ‘Sadeness (Part I)’ (Song 1 of 16)

If you like your trance music to have Latin and French biblical gibberish spoken over it then you’ll love this. The well-known panpipe hook takes a hefty 1:30 to kick in, but when it does… it’s still pretty underwhelming.

1/5