Cop Land (1997 dir. James Mangold)

Bloated ensemble cast avoid motoring convictions in Bruce Springsteen nightmare.

4/5

 

The French Connection (1971 dir. William Friedkin)

Brutal bobby bashes blacks in Brooklyn.

3/5

Bad Lieutenant (1992 dir. Abel Ferrara)

Unorthodox constable uses suspects as wank aids.

3/5

King of New York (1990 dir. Abel Ferarra)

Ethnic minorities inhale powder before getting filled with bullets.

2/5

JOB AD: Ghostbuster

Ghostbuster – New York City, USA (field-based) – Perm – $18-25k + Healthcare + Company vehicle

Ghostbusters Inc. does one thing and one thing only – bust ghosts! Since 1984 we have experienced year-on-year growth due to delighting our customers in New York with outstanding cutomer service and delivery with every job we do. With patented technology, and an energetic and fun working culture, we have become the only company that people turn to when ghosts attack. Who you gonna call? Us.

Due to a recent surge in paranormal activity, we now require an additional Ghostbuster to visit clients’ premises around the city to deliver our worldclass ghostbusting service to challenging SLAs. This is strictly a service delivery position without any sales involved.

The Ghosbuster is an extremely physical role, so those seeking a desk job where their hands don’t get dirty need not apply.

The Ghostbuster works well unsupervised or as part of a team

Candidates should ideally have experience of or be comfortable with particle accelorator weaponry, though a full morning’s training will be given for using our unique Proton Packs.

Individuals that have performed on the television show Saturday Night Live will be looked upon with considerable favour, as will those with a full driving license.

Good organisational skills and the ability to prioritise are a must. Candidates must also demonstrate superb communications skills as this is a customer-facing role. They should be comfortable around senior stakeholders such s democratically elected government officials and their unpopular assistants.

To apply, please turn up unannounced at our New York headquarters and ask for Dr. Peter Venkman, Ph.d, upon arrival for an informal interview.

Ghostbusters Inc. is an equal opportunities employer and does not discriminate on the ground of age, sex, race or take-away food prefererence.

The Out-of-Towners (1999 dir. Sam Weisman)

Middle Americans interact with lower and upper class New York types, with unamusing consequences.

2/5

Inferno (1980 Dir. Dario Argento)

Stunning architecture and blood letting makes up for unsatisfactory narrative.

2/5

The Warriors (1979 dir. Walter Hill)

High profile shooting at fancy dress party leads to multiple fist fights on pleasant summer’s evening.

3/5

World Trade Center (2006 dir. Oliver Stone)

Narrative pace slows considerably when brash New York constables spend two-thirds of running time under rubble in a single location.

3/5

Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993 dir. Woody Allen)

Rear Window homage amps up location photography and use of the colour brown.

3/5

The New York Ripper (1982 dir. Lucio Fulci)

Beer-buyer interupt’s broad’s beverage by administering cinema’s first foot fuck.

3/5

JOB AD: Head of Corleone Family

Chief Executive – Global Export Company – Temp – $negotiable + Car + Cat

Have you ever wanted to be fully accountable for a global P&L worth circa $500 million? Due to a near fatal shooting, we now have an interim requirement (6-24 mnths) for an experienced crime manager to control the strategic and operational projects of the Corleone Family. Based in New York and reporting in to absolutely no one, you will head up all business units specialising in extortion, gambling, racketeering, loan-sharking, bribery, murder and the exporting of kitchen-based commodities (knowledge of the olive oil market particularly desirable).

This is a very hands-off role and candidates should feel comfortable deligating significant amounts of work to management working within an organisational structure built around the Roman army. Knowledge of opening up new markets for horizontal and verticle revenue streams, for example in Nevada, will be looked upon with considerable favour.

Don Vito Corleone, CEO, addresses shareholders in 2009

The Corleone Family is an organisation that prides itself on internal promotions, particularly among blood relatives, so a critical component of this role will be in talent management and succession planning, both strategically and operationally.

The post of Corleone Family CEO is one of the most rewarding and challenging in the whole of organised crime, and requires a strong influencer of senior stakeholders eg. statesmen, judges, film producers etc. as well as a high degree of resiliance (candidates should be comfortable with at least one attempt on their lives during the duration of this FTC).

Italian-American elder preferred, though individuals with relevant experience will still be considered.

* PLEASE NOTE – THE SUCCESSFUL APPLICANT WILL BE REQUIRED TO PASS A PRE-EMPLOYMENT MEDICAL ASSESSMENT; ABSOLUTELY NO RECREATIONAL DRUG USERS TO APPLY. *

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Candidates should send a current CV and letter of interest to Tom O’Hagen (GermanIrish863@lycos.com), who will conduct initial telephone screenings at the end of July.

Maniac (1980)

Asthmatic shotgunner scalps useless actresses using surgical precision in New York.

2/5

‘I am well happy’: Cher Lloyd expresses joy at finding Friends seasons two and three on VHS in charity shop

By Slick Nick

Life as a pop star can bring with it vast fame and fortune, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That’s why X Factor reject Cher Lloyd recently called a press conference to announce her joy at picking up two entire video boxsets of the hit 90s sitcom Friends in a local charity shop.

The anorexic, 29, saw the boxsets in the window of a Barnardos shop in hometown of Malvern, Worcestershire, earlier in the week.

There was repordely no price tag attached to the videos of the now ended sitcom, which told the story of only caucasian 30-somethings living, working and fucking in New York, arguably the most ethnically diverse city on the planet. After making an enquiry inside the shop to a woman that was hard of hearing, Ms Lloyd was able to secure a price of £7.50 in total for the items. She then required five carrier bags to get the videos home.

Cher said: ‘I never thought that when I entered the X Factor all those months ago that I’d be sitting here owning not one but two boxsets of Friends.’

‘It’s a shame my grandmother’s caravan burnt to the ground with her inside it a few years ago. She’d have been so proud to see this.’

When the skeleton intends to view the videos remains unclear. Some have speculated that she will watch one episode an evening until completing all cassettes. Others insist she will attempt to watch both seasons in their entirity across a single weekend. We will remain close to the sources and report any further developments as and when they happen.

Despite getting the boot quite early on in 2010’s X Factor finals, Cher Lloyd will be releasing an album this coming summer. Take that, Ofcom.

Diner (1982)

Home Alone burgler’s marriage comes under strain due to lack of iTunes in the 50s.

3/5