Trance (2013 dir. Danny Boyle)

Like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind with immaculately shaved genitals.

3/5

Get Carter (1971 dir. Mike Hodges)

Lead cockney points his finger at supporting cast.

3/5

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005 dir. Shane Black)

A 2-hour rehearsal for Iron Man 3.

3/5

Inside Man (2006 dir. Spike Lee)

Slick modern crime flick climaxes with film noir fuckfest.

3/5

Gilda (1946 dir. Charles Vidor)

Fucker of Shawshank slut gets job with punching instead of competency interviewing.

2/5

Blitz (2011 dir. Elliot Lester)

Like a feature-length episode of The Bill, with even worse dialogue.

1/5

Body Heat (1981 dir. Lawrence Kasdan)

Tache’d skirt-bagger pays tribute to Double Indemnity by nailing quality skirt.

3/5

The Sting (1973 dir. George Roy Hill)

Card shuffling to ragtime.

4/5

Grifters (1990 dir. Stephen Frears)

Two similarly-styled sluts seek affection from an 80s heart throb.

2/5

Zodiac (2007 dir. David Fincher)

Ensemble cast seek violent scribbler in a mustard-coloured world.

4/5

Killing Them Softly (2012 dir. Andrew Dominik)

A stylish look at gunshot wounds and Obama’s rise to power.

3/5

The Maltese Falcon (1941 dir. John Huston)

Smooth talkers punch faces and drive narrative whilst barely changing location.

4/5

Lucky Number Slevin (2006 dir. Paul McGuigan)

Ensemble cast wasted at the expense of coolness.

2/5

The Big Heat (1953 dir. Fritz Lang)

In dystopian post-war America, non-smilers struggle to reach intended people first time on the phone.

4/5

Animal Factory (2000 dir. Steve Buscemi)

Legendary chin is forced to eat own defecation to reunite with younger look-a-like.

2/5

Lansky (1999 dir. John McNaughton)

The changing of ages and actors of characters every ten minutes makes narrative difficult to follow.

2/5

The Last Days Of Frankie The Fly (1996 dir. Peter Markle)

Mr Blonde attempts to expand fuck video business.

2/5

Year Of The Dragon (1985 dir. Michael Cimino)

Chinamen summarise plot points and character traits constantly during business meetings.

3/5

Savages (2012 dir. Oliver Stone)

Legendary director paints south Americans in a bad light for once.

3/5

End of Watch (2012 dir. David Ayer)

Like a modern Colors, without colours.

3/5

Colors (1988 dir. Dennis Hopper)

Two cops make countless blacks get on their knees with their hands behind their heads.

2/5

Prizzi’s honor (1985 dir. John Huston)

Hitman must face a lifetime of doing his own hoovering and washing up due to blood oath.

3/5

Bad Boys (1983 dir. Rick Rosenthal)

Long-haired delinquent helps Jewish room mate develop lung cancer.

3/5

 

Cop Land (1997 dir. James Mangold)

Bloated ensemble cast avoid motoring convictions in Bruce Springsteen nightmare.

4/5

 

Killer Joe (2011 dir. William Friedkin)

Self-employed sheriff humiliates Jerry Springer guests with fast food.

3/5