Oliver Stone makes progress on John Terry biopic

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Oscar-winning film director Oliver Stone is reportedly half way through writing the screenplay to an epic movie based upon the life of disgraced Premiership footballer John Terry.

The film will be financed by Dreamworks studios with a budget of around $200 million, with principle photography set to begin in September 2012.

Hollywood veteran Stone already has a number of titles under his belt that deal with the trials and tribulations of humans that have caused significant pain and suffering to others. Previous subjects have included Alexander The Great, who enslaved half the world, George W. Bush, who masterminded the illegal Iraq oil wars of the noughties after a rigged election win and Fidel Castro, whose shady politics saw his entire nation of Cuba go without all-American imports such as Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s for fifty years and counting.

Beast: The famous 'baby kidnapping' incident of 2011

Stone’s latest epic, simply titled ‘John’, will tell the story of the England captain’s early beginnings stealing lunch money from fellow school pupils at Barking’s Facepunch High School in the late 1980s, through to his rise to power of one of London’s most feared crime organisations – Chealsea FC.

It is rumoured that scenes depicting Mr Terry’s various known assaults will be ‘some of the most violent ever filmed’ according to Empire magazine.

Stone has chosen not to focus on the countless married women that have shared a bed with the racist footballing hero, saving the stories for the ‘Terrynova’ film, a potential sequel.

The Hollywood legend has assured the film community that he will do everything in his power to ensure that ‘John’ is given an 18 certificate by the BBFC as ‘no children should have to see this monster’.

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The nation will be getting behind Mr Terry in his campaign to lead England to victory in this year’s European championships.

Premiership footballer accused of sleeping with own fiance

By Slick Nick

Fresh scandal gripped the Premier League last night when an unnamed footballing star was accused of having sex with a woman. The difference this time, however, is that the woman in question is the hero’s fiance.

It is said that the pair were spotted together at a generic bar in Ealing Broadway, enjoying drinks whilst discussing the drama that had unfolded in the past week’s episodes of Eastenders.

Suitably relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company, the caucasians then made their way to an Indian restaurant, where they enjoyed mild curries and light conversation. A complaint was made about some cold naan bread but witnesses have confirmed a ‘generous tip’ was still given to the waiter.

They then made their way home to a shared property in Greater London, where a sex act was performed on the England international. The couple then enjoyed some satisfying intercourse in the missionary position.

The accusations come amid public concern for the way footballers are depicted in the mainstream media.

Football fan Richard Wilkes, 50, said: ‘I’m annoyed with this news item.’

‘We look up to these guys as great sportsmen, but more importantly, as lotharios. They should be ball-deep in quality skirt at all times – it adds to the superstar persona. It’s certainly one of the main reasons I take my young son to the games each week.’

‘I think defamatory stories like this only serve to hurt an innocent man’s career and merchandise sales. It’s not on.’

Though the man in question cannot be named due to a superinjunction, his press spokesman has confirmed that in future, he will conduct himself and way that is more befitting of a modern Premiership footballer.

Adrian Chiles WILL legally change name to ‘Unnamed Premiership Footballer’ to improve chances with women

By Slick Nick

When a man and woman come together in the act of love, it can be a beautiful thing, however some of us appear to have been dealt differing hands when it comes to the ability to attract the opposite sex. Perhaps this is why veteran television presenter Adrian Chiles has finally decided, after days of speculation, to go ‘all in’ with a complete overhaul of his name.

The unfortunately-faced caucasian, 56, will from the 23rd June this year be known legally as Mr Unnamed Premiership Footballer Chiles, relenquishing his maiden name in the hope of enjoying easier access to female reproductive organs.

Forsaken: Even a mother would struggle to love this face

He said: ‘I am fed up of never having any luck with women.’

‘Having read the papers lately, it seems all these chaps that are always ball-deep in skirt have one thing in common – their name.’

Mr Chiles also attributes much of his career failings, as well as an unhealthy addiction to strawberry Yop, on the seemingly inhuman features he was bestowed upon at birth. Having once been tipped to win the much lauded ‘presenter of the year’ award at now-defunct TV Quick magazine, he now scrapes a living by hosting virtually pointless shows that very few people watch or have even heard of.

One of Mr Chiles’s very few friends, weapons dealer Richard Wilkes, has witnessed the rise and fall first hand.

He commented: ‘I’ve seen Adrian clear entire rooms of humanity. People would do well to remember that he is also thoroughly unlikable on a personal level, as well as having a frankly nightmarish face.’

Glory days: A young Chiles anchors ITV's coverage of the 1990 World Cup

So is Mr Chiles counting down the days until the big day?

He went on: ‘I cannot fucking wait to get out there and start sowing my seed. You can never have too many Adrian Chiles in the world.’

‘Plus in 1996 Gary Lineker bet me I’d never get to use the packet of Durex Extra Tingly condoms I’ve had in my bedside drawer all these years.’

‘Well big ears, if you’re reading, the joke’s on you now!’

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Adrian Chiles as we know him can be seen struggling to capture viewers’ attention on ITV’s rivetting Daybreak program on weekday mornings.

Giggs: ‘I am the Christ’

By Slick Nick

Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.

Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.

Innocent times: Pictured in 2010 many months before news broke of the alleged dickings

Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.

Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.

Stars: Giggs and United team mates celebrate winning 2011's Premier League

Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.

He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’

‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’

‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’

Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.