CV Tip #102 (Sperm)

Being offered a job after so many months or years of despair must be a wonderful feeling, but make sure you continue to listen carefully to instructions.

When asked to provide a sample as part of a pre-employment medical appointment, make sure it’s urine and not semen. This is because you are not taking part in a DNA test on the fucking Jeremy Kyle show.

CV Tip #68 (I’ve got something to tell you)

When you’ve been working at managerial level for a few years, it’s expected that in an interview you’d be able to discuss a wide variety of examples to meet many different competencies.

So when you’re asked about a time where you had to give a difficult message to someone, and your response is ‘telling someone you love them‘, it will only serve to disappoint the interviewer.

CV Tip #100 (Fill yer boots)

Boys will be boys, especially in a manufacturing environment.

We all enjoy the odd practical joke now and then, but be mindful of how fucking disgusting you’re being, as you never know when twenty years later, the interviewing HR contact for a new job may be getting boned regularly by an ex-colleague, and he may text back his partner an informal reference on you to this effect:

‘Do not hire this guy under any circumstances. His idea of a joke is shitting in people’s boots.’

CV Tip #41

When you make a telephone enquiry to the HR department of a potential employer, never ask the individual that answers whether they work there. It’s fucking obvious by the fact that they’ve answered the phone on behalf of the company that they do.

CV Tip #9

‎‘I’m a people person’… never say this during an interview. It means nothing.

CV Tip #2

Wanting to ‘climb the career ladder’ is not going to be your best asset to a company. Never say otherwise in a fucking interview.

CV Tip #59

When asked ‘tell me about yourself’ in an interview, never begin by fucking re-stating your name, as that detail is clear from the CV in front of the interviewer, the interview schedule in front of the interviewer and also the calender in front of the interviewer.

CV Tip #78

In an interview, never frequently use the word ‘obviously’. Nothing is actually obvious unless the interviewer can somehow climb into your fucking psyche and experience your deepest thoughts and memories… It’s also relatively irritating.

CV Tip #24

In an interview, avoid mumbling into your hands for the whole conversation and looking like you might fall asleep at any moment. Not turning up 25 fucking minutes late is also preferrable.

CV Tip #53

When interviewing a candidate who begins answering a question, never interupt them with ‘that’s just words, what do you mean?!’. Either learn to shut the fuck up occasionally, or try and get a grasp of the English language that goes beyond that of a patron of Ian Beale’s cafe.

CV Tip #73

‘Nothing Really’ – Never give this response to an interviewer when asked ‘what appeals to you about our organisation?’ unless you enjoy being hung up on.

CV Tip #14

Never think you will succeed in a telephone interview if you’ve only been learning English for 8 fucking months.

CV Tip #61

If you’re having a telephone interview, ensure your other mobile is switched off. This is particularly important if your ring tone happens to be ‘YMCA’ by the fucking Village People.