The Vow (2012 dir. Michael Sucsy)

Woefully unfashionable female lockes distract from lunkhead falling for cat narrative.

2/5

Four Christmases (2008 dir. Seth Gordon)

Safe couple bring positives and negatives to four broken American mid-west households in December.

2/5

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (2009 dir. Mark Waters)

Dickens ideas duplicated to drive sales of cheap DVDs forward.

1/5

Failure To Launch (2006 dir. Tom Dey)

Accidental act of prostitution by horseface encourages douchbag to leave home.

0/5

You’ve Got Mail (1998 dir. Nora Ephron)

Two scribbling book-sellers get their fuck on together after financially supporting Starbucks and AOL.

2/5

The Out-of-Towners (1999 dir. Sam Weisman)

Middle Americans interact with lower and upper class New York types, with unamusing consequences.

2/5

The Dilema (2011 dir. Ron Howard)

Fatter half of fast-talking frog twin duo loses fuck partner to douche bag.

1/5

Melinder And Melinder (2004 dir. Woody Allen)

Alongside debuting mixed-race relationships, Jewish auteur has dinner table types invent entire narrative over main course.

3/5

Blue Valentine (2010 dir. Derek Cianfrance)

Young couple dislike each other, then like each other, then don’t fuck, then fuck.

4/5

Cinderella (1950 dir. Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson & Hamilton Luske)

Cleaner must overcome slavery and vermin with learning difficulties to achieve royal dicking.

2/5

A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy (1982 dir. Woody Allen)

A small group of chums try to fuck each other’s partners in the oldern days.

2/5

Dear John (2010 dir. Lasse Hallström)

Lack of antagonist, conflict and bare tits, renders lifeless romance flick entirely pointless.

0/5

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (2010 dir. Woody Allen)

Deceitful Goonie scribbler nearly loses wife to a Spaniard.

2/5

The Ugly Truth (2009 dir. Robert Luketic)

Douchbag teaches career woman to appear more fuckable to GP before fucking her himself.

2/5

Business Is Business (1971 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Experienced fuck seller goes the extra mile for wackjob customers, and provides slapstick, in Holland.

2/5

The American President (1995 dir. Rob Reiner)

Pool expert wins over the hearts of the nation, including new sperm rescepticle, without ever standing still.

3/5

Before Sunset (2004 dir. Richard Linklater)

Nine years after a night of penetrative sex, well-mannered man and woman have a catch-up on reasonably-priced boat ride.

3/5

Date Night (2010 dir. Shawn Levy)

Unexpected end to night out for couple involves sometimes-amusing crime caper rather than fuck session.

2/5

The Seven Year Itch (1955 dir. Billy Wilder)

Idiot discovers psychological term for severe blue balls case brought on by encounter with worldclass skirt.

3/5

Before Sunrise (1995 dir. Richard Linklater)

Boy meets girl, boy disrupts girl’s travel plans, girl plays boy a shit song, boy pilfers wine using deception, girl gives up sex hole for boy.

4/5

Scenes From A Marriage (1973 dir. Ingmar Bergman)

Scandinavians, and audience, endure extremely fucking long marriage implosion.

3/5

Turkish Delight (1973 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Borderline Dutch porn flick emits aura of Breathless, with shitting dogs, hammer-smashed craniums and additional fucking.

3/5

Hitch (2005 dir. Andy Tennant)

Fuck tutor makes comfortable living without marketing campaign, and includes complimentary dance-training montage for new out of shape client.

2/5

Brief Encounter (1945)

Miseryguts recounts interim snogfests with English 40s gent type, as Casablanca collides with the Piccadilly line.

5/5

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)

College rock subject matter snuggles gently with Total Recall‘s exact opposite.

4/5