STORY: The Man Who Thought He Was Cheryl Cole

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

On the train to work, he displayed a hand tattoo etched by biro. He pretended to wave a flowing lock of chemically-enhanced hair in other commuter’s faces. He caught a glimpse of a photo of Cheryl Cole in a business man’s ruffled copy of that morning’s Metro, saying “that wasn’t taken at me best angle like.”

When the train arrived at its destination, he threw down a red bath mat and made his exit. He stopped to speak to a ticket inspector: “That train journey was thoroughly entertaining and I thoroughly enjoyed myself pet.”

He popped into a nearby coffee house and ordered his favourite beverage by commanding “just my usual, pet” to the bewildered man behind the counter, who’d never seen him before.

“Where’s the nearest dressing room pet?” asked out hero, referring to the toilet. He was directed to the ladies room at the back of the premises, where he did his business amidst a handful of screams from inside.

“That toilet wasn’t what I was expecting, but I still thoroughly enjoyed myself,” he said, spraying hairspray on his cropped mop.

Because he’s worth it

At work in the city, he called the office temp over to his desk. She handed him the business report that was due, and he perused it whilst applying another layer of mascara.

“I like you a lot as a person pet but we haven’t seen the best of you on this occasion. I think you could be in trouble this week.”

He was called into an interview with a candidate for a role in finance. After an hour of competency-based questions, he asked the candidate to give a short rendition of ‘fight for this love’ by Cheryl Cole. The candidate begrudgingly did so.

“I’ve interviewed ten candidates for this position pet and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working with you,” said our hero. Then after a 5 minute pause: “It’s not good news I’m afraid. You’re not in my final three.” They sobbed together for another five minutes.

On the commute home, he came across a wild-haired busker playing a Smiths song on a dirty acoustic guitar. He threw some pennies into the busker’s guitar sack and approached.

“I don’t know what that was you were playing pet, but I found it thoroughly entertaining and I’m looking forward to seeing what you do next.”

His evening finished like it always did, furiously masturbating over an old photo of Ashley Cole from the back of a 2006 Sun newspaper, its ink virtually faded away.

“I’m sorry I kept hiding the remote, Ash.”

And then sleep washed over him.

 

 

 

 

Cheryl Cole’s knuckles ‘98% recovered’ from racist beating

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

The recovery process has been a long one, but finally after so many years it seems Cheryl Cole is set to make a full recovery from the night her left fist was used to beat a poverty-stricken nightclub toilet attendant senseless in January 2003.

The incident, which took place at Guildford’s Finger Bang Cobanna, left Mrs Cole barely able to hold a hairbrush properly, let alone a microphone.

The altercation occurred after Sophie Amogbokpa, who was three hours into her shift in the ground floor ladies toilets, took objection to wealthy pop stars taking her merchandise of perfume and lolipops without paying. A defiant Cheryl, tanked up on champagne and brown ale, made a stand with an impressive left hook to the struggling law student’s skull.

The impact left the Girls Aloud star with hairline fractures to her knuckles, and severe bruising for several months.

Injured: Cheryl nurses the fist on 12th Jan 2003 that nearly shattered Miss Amogbokpa's eye socket

An unnamed witness at the time said: ‘I’m so glad Cheryl’s record company was able to put her through so many dance and gym sessions, otherwise she may not have had the physical strength needed to defend herself against someone who was probably born into war and poverty and was simply trying to earn money to pay for her education.’

Mrs Cole, who at the time labelled her opponent a ‘black b*tch’, was convicted of ABH and ordered to serve a sentence of not buying a new handbag for thirty days.

She was also ordered to pay £0.55 for the lollipop that started the argument in the first place.

A spokesman for Mrs Cole said: ‘Cheryl has been under strict doctor’s orders now to not use her fist to physically assault any more black females.’

‘She has been through an ordeal but will soon be able to breakdance again.’

Pop Peelings wishes Cheryl a full recovery.

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler –

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

–

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

–

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

Government quango confirms Steve Brookstein’s popularity to be ‘equal to that of The Wurzels’

By Slick Nick

A new government body (which was promised By Nick Clegg to not be going ahead but exists anyway) determined to uncover the great mysteries of popular music has confirmed what many insiders had suspected for years – that Steve Brookstein’s popularity is equal to that of classic alternative rock act The Wurzels.

The frequent performer to half-empty coffee shops won the 27th series of the X Factor back in 2004 and enjoyed a week-long record deal before being dropped by Song BMG. It is now thought that the total amount of time spent listening to his music by the British public is exactly the same for the entire discography of Sommerset’s favourite sons.

The latter group shot to fame in 1976 with chart-topping hit single ‘The Combine Harvester‘. Their subsequent 43 albums largely covered themes such as cider, muck-spreading and incest, yet failed to enjoy a mainstream fanbase.

Brookstein, 63, pictured below in the backstage area at Ealing Broadway’s Starbucks last Thursday, was said to be pleased with the report’s findings, suggesting it may be one of his greatest musical achievements.

Will sing for a vanilla bullshit thing

He said: ‘Growing up, The Wurzels were probably the main inspiration for me becoming a musician. Their body of work spoke to me about the dark underbelly nestling within Britain’s rural villages, but I couldn’t help but sing along.’

‘All the people that laughed at me and called me a deadbeat, a loser, a bitter old man, a no-talent shitheel, a non-entity, a stain on the very fabric of popular culture, a cheeseball, a self-promoting has-been, a waste of space and complete and utter mindfuckingly rubbish can do one – I am now officially as popular as the Wurzels, and they are not.’

Steve Brookstein’s new self-released single ‘How to Make Friends and Irritate Tweeters’ is out now on stereo cassette and available from all good newsagents.

 

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

‘I am well happy’: Cher Lloyd expresses joy at finding Friends seasons two and three on VHS in charity shop

By Slick Nick

Life as a pop star can bring with it vast fame and fortune, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That’s why X Factor reject Cher Lloyd recently called a press conference to announce her joy at picking up two entire video boxsets of the hit 90s sitcom Friends in a local charity shop.

The anorexic, 29, saw the boxsets in the window of a Barnardos shop in hometown of Malvern, Worcestershire, earlier in the week.

There was repordely no price tag attached to the videos of the now ended sitcom, which told the story of only caucasian 30-somethings living, working and fucking in New York, arguably the most ethnically diverse city on the planet. After making an enquiry inside the shop to a woman that was hard of hearing, Ms Lloyd was able to secure a price of £7.50 in total for the items. She then required five carrier bags to get the videos home.

Cher said: ‘I never thought that when I entered the X Factor all those months ago that I’d be sitting here owning not one but two boxsets of Friends.’

‘It’s a shame my grandmother’s caravan burnt to the ground with her inside it a few years ago. She’d have been so proud to see this.’

When the skeleton intends to view the videos remains unclear. Some have speculated that she will watch one episode an evening until completing all cassettes. Others insist she will attempt to watch both seasons in their entirity across a single weekend. We will remain close to the sources and report any further developments as and when they happen.

Despite getting the boot quite early on in 2010’s X Factor finals, Cher Lloyd will be releasing an album this coming summer. Take that, Ofcom.

Oh no! JLS’ Marvin oversleeps and misses group workout

By Slick Nick

Chaos descended upon the JLS camp yesterday morning as lead singer Marvin Humes failed to turn up for a pre-planned group gym workout.

The session was due to take place at 8am at an LA Fitness in central London, which also sells an impressive range of protein bars.

It was later revealed that Humes, 36, had overslept.

It is unknown at this time whether he slept in on purpose, or whether an alarm clock had malfunctioned.

An anonymous source stated that JLS management had recently struggled to curb Humes’ addiction to late-night reality TV cop shows and that this may have been a contributing factor to his lethargy.

The group are expected to exercise daily in a punishing regime that includes two hours of cardio, one hour of weights, one hour of core and half an hour of stretching. The rest of the day is spent in dance rehearsals, with eleven minutes before bedtime devoted to song writing.

Manager Louis Walsh was reportedly ‘a bit annoyed’ at Marvin’s behaviour and is expected to make him train twice as hard tomorrow.

He said: ‘If Marvin can’t train his lean, rippling physique as part of a team, I’m sure I could find a way for him to burn some calories together in my Dublin castle. Mmmm.’

 

JLS’ current obligatory-slow-one-after-continuous-dance-anthems single is out now and available from all good petrol stations.

 

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

Joe McElderry due to have opinion on something

By Slick Nick

Joe McElderry, winner of 2009’s X Factor, is suspected of being in the process of forming an opinion on something.

The pop failure, 29, is strongly believed to be planning the communication of this opinion to coincide with the next release in his troubled music career.

Insiders are keeping tightly-lipped on the situation, though we would speculate the singer’s view would likely be on someone else’s new single or album which will undoubtedly sell more units than his own. Other likely topics would be declaring a recent global tragedy as ‘bad’, Cheryl Cole and the recent baby storylines in Eastenders.

Despite winning the prime time ITV karaoke contest with a staggering 486 votes, the clean-cut Geordie has struggled to win over the record-buying public like previous contestants. His album even failed to chart in Germany, whilst recent single ‘Someone Wake Me Up’ only sold nine copies.

He said: ‘Hopefully when this opinion of mine hits the middle pages of the tabloids, it will make the public realise that the music I’ve recorded is actually amazing.’

‘I just need to sell some records. The job market up in South Shields is pretty shit at the moment.’

 

Joe McElderry’s music releases are gradually being delisted by most highstreet stores.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell set to earn ‘shitloads’ in 2011

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, music mogul Simon Cowell’s expected income for 2011 will be precisely ‘shitloads’, according to leaked documents.

The perenial sperm-provider to malnourished women will make the money through various television and music dealings that the public will know about through a carefully managed PR strategy later in the year, which will likely have a spot of pro war propaganda thrown in for good measure.

Cowell’s hit TV show X Factor, in which various multi-millionairres crush the dreams of low income families in front of a live audience of halfwits, is expected to launch in the USA in a deal reportedly worth ‘a fuck ton of dolla’.

The star, 73, is well known in media circles for having a taste for fast cars, faster women, and mind-numbingly bad music.

He said: ‘You can never have enough money. My Bugatti isn’t exactly a Renault Clio, you know.’

‘It’s just a shame you can’t fuel it with children’s tears. A damn shame.’

He is currently rumoured to be seeking planning permission to build a Scrooge McDuck style money bin next to one of his properties in a location that most people will never be able to afford to visit.

When asked about what he plans to spend his hard-earned money on, cowell replied: ‘Wine, women and song. And probably the DVD collection of Only Fools And Horses. Uncle Albert cracks me up.’

Is the Syco head taking fewer risks with old age? Insiders at the label are claiming that with 2011’s X Factor, Cowell will simply have the winner record a cover version of the previous week’s number one selling single, virtually eliminating any doubt whatsoever that his latest signee will have the much saught after Christmas number one.

He remarked: ‘I am certainly still a risk-taker.’

‘There’s a difference between not taking risks and just being damn lazy.’

Simon Cowell’s acts have releases out at the moment and these can be found in most substandard music collections.

Cheryl Cole set to beat everyone at Wii Tennis at secret NYE party

By Slick Nick

Tyneside superstar Cheryl Cole/Tweedy is the firm favourite to win all games of Wii Tennis at a forthcoming new year’s eve house party, set to take place at a secret location in Newcastle.

The mimer and shampoo seller will take on friends and family in a contest some insiders are claiming to be ‘just for a bit of a laugh, like.’

Violent Tweedy shot to fame in 2003 after assaulting a nightclub toilet attendant in a racially-motivated attack. She then married a black man a few years later to prove that she wasn’t a massive racist afterall.

Tweedy said: ‘Wii Sports proved a challenge initially but when I set me mind to something, I always beat it, like.’

‘I have thoroughly enjoyed practicing for this match, and will thoroughly enjoy the match itself.’

‘Do you want to buy some shampoo or other hair stuff?’

Bookies have slashed odds in half for a Cole victory despite some industry experts predicting an upset win from an Uncle, whose carer has let him play the Wii every day since its release in 2006.

He said: ‘I’ll do me best against Cheryl this week and hopefully I’ll at least get a sniff of her perfume when we’re playing together, like.’

‘There is one Christmas game she’ll never beat me at though – ‘hide the gin bottle from mam’ we call it.’

Cheryl Cole will probably have a book or CD or something else out in a few weeks that isn’t worth talking about.

Diana Vickers ‘very grateful’ after receiving Inception on DVD for Christmas

By Slick Nick

X Factor runner-up Diana Vickers surprised family members today by thanking them sincerely after receiving a brand new DVD of the motion picture Inception.

The singer, well known for her shunning of foot wear, was surprised to receive the critically acclaimed film following the creation of a Christmas wish list that largely comprised of perfume, shoes, pop CDs and a subscription to National Geographic magazine.

Diana’s Nan said: ‘I’d noticed favourable reviews for this DVD and bought it on impulse for Diana from a local branch of Blockbusters that had recently filed for bankruptcy. The shop assistant warned me that the first 45 minutes was largely exposition, but I know Diana’s a bright girl and could easily cope with some intelligent cinema.’

‘He was a very nice lad. It’s such a shame that the highstreet rental business model is virtually dead now due to the internet. Anyway, I hear the branch of W H Smiths down the road are recruiting.’

Diana herself was unavailable for comment, but those present have confirmed beliefs that the star of plays very few people can afford to attend was genuinely grateful and ‘looking forward to watching it with the commentaries’.

Diana’s new exercise DVD ‘Stumble Your Way To Slimdom’ is temporarily unavailable due to the manufacturer having to deal with a flooding issue.

Oritse Williams from JLS struggles to find a new car as he can ‘only drive automatics’.

By Slick Nick

Oritse Williams, crucial backing stripper in the hip-hip group JLS, was last night aghast at how difficult it is to find a decent affordable car with automatic transmission in the south of England.

The weight-lifter and occasional singer had visited a couple of dealerships in a couple of different locations, with each seller apparently coming up with little or no options. Though these outlets were part of larger chains, one was described by a Syco A&R representative as ‘independent, as if it was from the TV show Heartbeat.’

Oritse commented: ‘When I was a kid, I just wanted to learn to drive as quickly as possible so I could go around irritating innocent bystanders with preposterous mobile bass volumes. I started learning in an automatic car and within four short months, I had my own license.’

‘I wish I’d passed in a manual – the options would be far better. It just seems that whenever an automatic car goes up for sale in towns quite near my flat, some arsehole gets in there before me and snaps it up!’

Mr Williams, whose first name ocasionally baffles people meeting him for the first time, is said to now be seriously considering a black ’06 reg VW Golf or a Ford Focus from last year with obviously better mileage.

JLS’ new single ‘Much Ado About Clubbing’ is out in early January.

Rebecca Ferguson buys more than she planned during shopping trip

By Slick Nick

Yesterday, X Factor’s scouse princess Rebecca Ferguson reportedly bought more items on an outing to the shops than she had originally thought about.

In a moment of spontaneous madness, the mixed race female bought enough products to fill up an entire hand bag.

She said: ‘I’d only popped out to get some gin – before I knew it, I had purchased a small pile of things I had no idea I’d be buying when I woke up this morning.’

‘The liquor store had a world-beating display of soft drinks, so I helped myself to two cans of Diet Coke and a Fanta.’

The karaoke singer was then lured into a corner shop after noticing some crudely-written offers scrawled onto some flourescent bits of card in the window.

‘Toilet Duck was two for the price of one. What’s a girl to do but swipe a couple of bottles, eh?’

She returned home without further incident.

Rebecca Ferguson’s book ‘Single, Scouse and Adored’ is still struggling to secure a publishing deal.

“I fucking love being in this band – you’re never too far away from a mob of ugly pre-pubescent chicks.”

Why write on paper when you have a human face handy?

“I love to conduct sing-songery nearly as much as I love oiled men in their pants to writhe with me.”

Just an average Saturday night for Neighbours soap star

“Howay the lads! Hold on to your fucking sides whilst I play a joke on the boss!”

GSOH

“You can’t blame a honey for getting knocked up so young with pins like these.”

A worthy sperm receptacle

“Just strumming along on my guitar using power chords that would take any simpleton a week to learn! I am a serious musical artist.”

Just wait until he does a solo

There’s a broad that doesn’t need to turn on Christmas lights in shopping centers to further her music career. Yet.

She looks like a popstar

“It’s never too dark to sport a pair of hilarious novelty shades!”

Susan Boyle for the Glee generation?

“Alreeeeet! This was all we got to survive on each day on the first Girls Aloud tour.”

Slow news day?

“Louis, what do you think of my Godfather impression? I think it’s the shit.”

Offending fatties since November '10