The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (1966)

After initially falling out, ethnically mismatched sureshot duo enjoy action-packed, but poorly dubbed, caper.

5/5

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Hooray For Boobies’ (2000) by The Bloodhound Gang

By Slick Nick

Setting out with good intentions but then making a shit album is bad enough, but hey, we’re all human and not everyone can be as gifted as John Lennon or Rod Stewart when it comes to crafting unforgetable music. But when a band knowingly records an album of rubbish, then uses the resources and talents of top music industry figures to put it on compact disc for all eternity, that is slightly less forgivable.

Incase the album title doesn’t give it away, rest assured that Bloodhound Gang were not a group that took themselves overly seriously. This was an album full of jokes that would only appeal to the most loathsome of pubescents at best, and at worst, your Dad.

Like a lot of the worst albums ever made, ‘Hooray For Boobies’ encompasses an eclectic range of musical genres. Pop-punk at heart but with cod metal tendencies, the Gang were shrewd enough to ensure they remained current at the time by sprinkling the odd rap break and dance beat across their work. Case in point: hit single ‘The Bad Touch’, which sticks out like a lump of dogshit hanging from someone’s shoe, as well as being reminiscent of the theme tune to the long-forgotten Clothes Show.

One of my pet hates with albums in general is the use of non-musical filler, for example sound samples at the beginning of songs, spoken word clips taken from TV shows and movies, lengthy feedback (with a couple of exceptions) and entire songs used solely for non-musical ‘comedic’ purposes. Five of ‘Hooray For Boobies’ eighteen tracks fit into the latter category, plus there are various spoken word clips littered throughout. So apart from the music being terrible, the whole ordeal of listening to this reord is made all the more painful and drawn out by these techniques.

The production here is a joke, sounding like the instruments were recorded in someone’s garden shed with equipment from Argos. I have no problem with a band looking for a raw, stripped down sound if it suits their music, but when you’re making a pop album for the radio with the backing of a major label behind you, you’d better make sure you don’t come out of the recording studio with anything less than a polished, chunky and aesthetically pleasing sound at the very least.

This album teaches a fundamental life truth about music though – if it’s a terrible gimick, expect it to sell shitloads. If it’s a terrible gimick that features songs about burping and tits, with swear words censored in the videos, then expect it to sell shitloads and constantly permeate your everyday existence. Fucking forget escaping it for even one day unless you plan on spending some time alone in a padded cell. You can’t get away from it. Just suck it up, take it on the chin and make sure to have some decent ‘antidote’ music handy to soothe the agony. I’d recommend anything by the Ramones, Ten Yard Fight and Dire Straits, off the top of my head.

These chaps were a fair few years from being the stereotypical ‘just out of high school and arsing around before getting a proper job in IT sales‘ types at the time of recording this CD. I don’t believe for one second that singer/song-writer Jimmy Pop wasn’t a cold and calculating musical prodigy who knew damn well what he was doing when he wrote these crap songs in his late twenties. He spotted a gap in the market and filled it with ‘Hooray For Boobies’, and ever since has probably enjoyed a carefree existence, listening to the great symphonies of Bach, Mozart and Pachelbel on a $30,000 stereo whilst sitting on a beanbag stuffed entirely of money in a Beverly Hills mansion. The cunt.

 

Mum and Dad this is Chasey, Chasey this is the shit music that will help put my kids through college.

CV Tip #82 (Harry Knowles)

Stating a love of cinema at the end of a CV is pretty normal and, frankly, commendable.

Avoid a conversational tone though, lest you wind up with a sentence like this: ‘I watch a film every one or two days or so.’

You’re not introducing yourself on a fucking gameshow when you’re writing a CV – never forget that.

CV Tip #66 (Overdraft)

What better way to persuade a potential employer that you’re the right person for the job, that every other applicant pales in comparison to what you can offer, than writing this on a fucking covering letter:

‘The reason for applying is simple. I am a family man and need the money.’

CV Tip #51 (Mum)

So, you’ve given up the rat race to breed and drag up a couple of unplanned sprogs for the last seventeen years.

Fair play.

Then you’ve written a CV whereby you had to search the deepest, darkest recesses of your gin-sodden brain for examples of skills and experience from when you were just barely employable and Right Said Fred were cutting edge pop artists.

What next?

Well, getting a more professional email address than a variation of mumzy@… would be a fucking start.

CV Tip #46 (Shake ‘n’ Vac)

You should definitely write ‘in the home I enjoy general housework tasks’ under your interests at the bottom of your CV.

That won’t make the potential employer wonder why the fuck you’re even looking for a job in the first place at all.

CV Tip #99 (Ashtray)

If the paper of your completed application form literally smells like cigarette smoke, will your fucking lungs even be able to handle a single day’s work, let alone permanent employment?

Joe McElderry due to have opinion on something

By Slick Nick

Joe McElderry, winner of 2009’s X Factor, is suspected of being in the process of forming an opinion on something.

The pop failure, 29, is strongly believed to be planning the communication of this opinion to coincide with the next release in his troubled music career.

Insiders are keeping tightly-lipped on the situation, though we would speculate the singer’s view would likely be on someone else’s new single or album which will undoubtedly sell more units than his own. Other likely topics would be declaring a recent global tragedy as ‘bad’, Cheryl Cole and the recent baby storylines in Eastenders.

Despite winning the prime time ITV karaoke contest with a staggering 486 votes, the clean-cut Geordie has struggled to win over the record-buying public like previous contestants. His album even failed to chart in Germany, whilst recent single ‘Someone Wake Me Up’ only sold nine copies.

He said: ‘Hopefully when this opinion of mine hits the middle pages of the tabloids, it will make the public realise that the music I’ve recorded is actually amazing.’

‘I just need to sell some records. The job market up in South Shields is pretty shit at the moment.’

 

Joe McElderry’s music releases are gradually being delisted by most highstreet stores.

 

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Trapt’ (2002) by Trapt

By Slick Nick

Trapt’s mainstream musical career was launched in 2002 with the laughably bad single ‘Headstrong’. Three albums later and they’re still in much the same place as they were when they started – a band that is just there, with few people giving a shit.

Coming in at the arse end of nu metal’s popularity peak, this self-titled debut was an interesting beast, which encompassed most of the things that made that genre terrible (muddy production, lazy guitar riffing, similar beats) whilst injecting some fairly neat ideas that took the crapness to the next level.

The songs flit between watered down butt rock and wimpy One Tree Hill-esque self-pitious musings over clean guitars. When things get heavy, Trapt can barely motivate themelves to use riffs of more than two chords at a time. As for the lyrics – pitiful, as in they evoke genuine pity that grown adult males from a developed country could conceive such childish, derivative shite. It’s all about taking people on and breaking down etc. but you don’t win battles with watered down heavy metal music, as far as I’m aware.

The album runs out of ideas very early on. Every song has near identical execution, with clean verses and ‘heavy’ choruses. A couple of fucking breakdowns occassionally would have been welcome, to be honest, but would never have saved this from being another stain in the underpants of alternative rock.

Occasionally the drum timings veer slightly off the tried and tested 4/4 beat. Someone in this band must have been desperate to prove to their disappointed parents that all the money they’d blown on music lessons for their son hadn’t gone to waste. Unfortunately, they had.

Finally, the album cover annoys me. It’s hardly the symbol of cliched teen angst and radio rock superstardom that Trapt were aiming for. Maybe they ended up blowing all their marketing budget on effects pedals for their guitars rather than concept artists?

Headstrong to take up shelf space in charity shops since 2003.

 

Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

Robocop seduces infertile goth type whilst unattractive auteur has himself make out with superb sex worker.

3/5

Scream 3 (2000)

Winking auteur purposefully seeks diminishing returns in sequel to effectively mimick well-known 80s horror franchises’ declining sequel quality.

2/5

Sex And The City 2 (2010)

Loathsome sperm addicts advertise shoes, travel and Pringles, as unfunny sex gags and reprehensible Western ideals of excess colide with Islam.

1/5

Brüno (2009)

Offensive gay makes American Idol judge watchable for five minutes before inviting low income Americans to humiliate themselves.

3/5

Meet The Fockers (2004)

Meet The Parents remade with additional animals and pensioners.

3/5

Alex Reid: ‘I do NOT look like Sid James’

By Slick Nick

In a non-exclusive interview, professional brawler Alex Reid has gone on record to deny rumours that he looks a bit like Sid James.

Reid, whose profitable marriage to ITV2 monstrosity Katie Price now looks to be on the ropes, was said to be devastated at the comparisons between his own face and that of the beloved Carry On actor.

The two are said to both have ‘tired-looking’ eyes and similarly shaped noses, though the brash cockney persona of both the men was never called into debate.

Reid, 47, who is partly to blame for the British’s public’s interest in absurd UFC-style fighting contests, was quick to address the accusations in a press conference which took place in a west London Scout hut that didn’t have central heating.

He said: ‘The big flat nose I have is down to the overwhelming number of fights I’ve lost. It never used to be like this.’

‘We’ve got totally different hair. I sort of knew this day would come so have taken steps for years to maintain a totally un-Sid-like hairstyle.’

‘I’m not even a true cockney – it was all an act to get into Jordan’s well-used labia. I was brought up in Leatherhead and my real name is Tarquin.’

Alex Reid will likely be performing in a pantomime near you this Christmas.

The Kingdom (2007)

Compelling history lesson gives way to fun Call Of Duty inspired death-a-thon.

3/5

Jason Lives: Friday The 13th Part VI (1986)

Worm-ridden mass murderer dispatches eclectic range of victims with unsatisfying off-screen violence.

1/5

Grease (1978)

Lightning fast character arc sees Italian American hip-wiggler’s fuckfest with Aussie-turned-broad postponed so street toughs can perform songs about mating.

3/5

Friday The 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Low income offspring and ethnic stereotypes make long overdue franchise debuts.

2/5

Breathless (À Bout de Souffle) (1960)

Bonnie And Clyde, minus squibs and colour, underpinned by excessive jazz and slapdash editing.

3/5

Small Time Crooks (2000)

Like The Ladykillers replaced annoying music with simple carbohydrates, then added marriage/accountancy disaster.

3/5

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell set to earn ‘shitloads’ in 2011

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, music mogul Simon Cowell’s expected income for 2011 will be precisely ‘shitloads’, according to leaked documents.

The perenial sperm-provider to malnourished women will make the money through various television and music dealings that the public will know about through a carefully managed PR strategy later in the year, which will likely have a spot of pro war propaganda thrown in for good measure.

Cowell’s hit TV show X Factor, in which various multi-millionairres crush the dreams of low income families in front of a live audience of halfwits, is expected to launch in the USA in a deal reportedly worth ‘a fuck ton of dolla’.

The star, 73, is well known in media circles for having a taste for fast cars, faster women, and mind-numbingly bad music.

He said: ‘You can never have enough money. My Bugatti isn’t exactly a Renault Clio, you know.’

‘It’s just a shame you can’t fuel it with children’s tears. A damn shame.’

He is currently rumoured to be seeking planning permission to build a Scrooge McDuck style money bin next to one of his properties in a location that most people will never be able to afford to visit.

When asked about what he plans to spend his hard-earned money on, cowell replied: ‘Wine, women and song. And probably the DVD collection of Only Fools And Horses. Uncle Albert cracks me up.’

Is the Syco head taking fewer risks with old age? Insiders at the label are claiming that with 2011’s X Factor, Cowell will simply have the winner record a cover version of the previous week’s number one selling single, virtually eliminating any doubt whatsoever that his latest signee will have the much saught after Christmas number one.

He remarked: ‘I am certainly still a risk-taker.’

‘There’s a difference between not taking risks and just being damn lazy.’

Simon Cowell’s acts have releases out at the moment and these can be found in most substandard music collections.

Duck Soup (1933 dir. Leo McCarey)

Timeless wise-cracks lead to war being declared through Broadway sing-songery.

3/5

Diner (1982)

Home Alone burgler’s marriage comes under strain due to lack of iTunes in the 50s.

3/5