STORY: The Man Who Thought He Was Cheryl Cole
5 SepBy Slick Nick | @Poppeelings
On the train to work, he displayed a hand tattoo etched by biro. He pretended to wave a flowing lock of chemically-enhanced hair in other commuter’s faces. He caught a glimpse of a photo of Cheryl Cole in a business man’s ruffled copy of that morning’s Metro, saying “that wasn’t taken at me best angle like.”
When the train arrived at its destination, he threw down a red bath mat and made his exit. He stopped to speak to a ticket inspector: “That train journey was thoroughly entertaining and I thoroughly enjoyed myself pet.”
He popped into a nearby coffee house and ordered his favourite beverage by commanding “just my usual, pet” to the bewildered man behind the counter, who’d never seen him before.
“Where’s the nearest dressing room pet?” asked out hero, referring to the toilet. He was directed to the ladies room at the back of the premises, where he did his business amidst a handful of screams from inside.
“That toilet wasn’t what I was expecting, but I still thoroughly enjoyed myself,” he said, spraying hairspray on his cropped mop.
Because he’s worth it
At work in the city, he called the office temp over to his desk. She handed him the business report that was due, and he perused it whilst applying another layer of mascara.
“I like you a lot as a person pet but we haven’t seen the best of you on this occasion. I think you could be in trouble this week.”
He was called into an interview with a candidate for a role in finance. After an hour of competency-based questions, he asked the candidate to give a short rendition of ‘fight for this love’ by Cheryl Cole. The candidate begrudgingly did so.
“I’ve interviewed ten candidates for this position pet and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working with you,” said our hero. Then after a 5 minute pause: “It’s not good news I’m afraid. You’re not in my final three.” They sobbed together for another five minutes.
On the commute home, he came across a wild-haired busker playing a Smiths song on a dirty acoustic guitar. He threw some pennies into the busker’s guitar sack and approached.
“I don’t know what that was you were playing pet, but I found it thoroughly entertaining and I’m looking forward to seeing what you do next.”
His evening finished like it always did, furiously masturbating over an old photo of Ashley Cole from the back of a 2006 Sun newspaper, its ink virtually faded away.
“I’m sorry I kept hiding the remote, Ash.”
And then sleep washed over him.
This is The End (2013 dir. Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg)
7 JanMildly amusing Jews interupt each other.
3/5
48 Hrs. (1982 dir. Walter Hill)
6 JanFuture gravel throat pairs with future star of flops to walk quickly from scene to scene.
2/5
Demolition Man (1993 dir. Marco Brambilla)
5 JanMuscleheads spoil a eutopian future with poorly realised fight scenes.
2/5
Trance (2013 dir. Danny Boyle)
22 DecLike Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind with immaculately shaved genitals.
3/5
The Wild One (1953 dir. László Benedek)
21 DecBikers terrorise smalltown types with outlandish headwear.
4/5
CV Tip #136 (Hungary)
19 Dec“I’m always curious to learn new things so recently I’ve been trying to learn Hungarian.”
Great, that will get you far; learning the language from a country no one trades with or cares about and is broke.
When can you start?!
CV Tip #152 (Phil Mitchell)
18 DecShow-off:
“‘I have a full UK driving license (had for 23 years), and drive a Mercedes, with comprehensive insurance/breakdown cover.”
CV Tip #198 (Sir David Attenborough)
17 DecIt’s been said countless times before, but be mindful of puting irrelevant crap on your CV for someone to trawl through:
“Married with one child (# # # aged 2 years 6 months) 4 dogs and 1 canary.”
CV Tip #118 (Televangelist)
16 DecIf you’re passionate about the industry you’re applying to join, that’s cool, but don’t go overboard:
“since the age of 16 when my family first had Sky TV installed, i have become RELIGIOUSLY interested in ALL forms of Consumer TV,”
CV Tip #165 (Pimp my ride)
15 DecGot any nice hobbies? This is something I ask myself a lot when trying to get to the end of a crappy application.
“I got my own car which i like to fix and pimp up”
Fucking mindblowing. If there’s one word you never ever want to see on a CV, it’s the word ‘pimp’.
CV Tip #149 (Militia)
14 DecLearn to fucking proof read what you’re writing about yourself:
“A militia-skilled IT support analyst”
CV Tip #199 (Margie!)
13 DecFrom a CV, complete with exclamation mark for some reason:
“Margie was my team manager!”
Nice. Everyone knows Margie, right? Good ol’ Margie! Anyone that has worked for her can pretty much walk into any job they wish to.
I’m willing to bet that no recruiter or hiring manager gives a fuck about Margie, much less wants to read about her on a CV.
CV Tip #132 (Gordon Gecko)
12 DecOpening line on a CV:
“A well-dressed individual.”
Fucking fantastic. Forget skills, knowledge, experience, qualifications… if you’ve got some nice shirts in your wardrobe, that’s all you need.
CV Tip #106 (Brain surgeon)
11 DecTalk yourself up on a CV for sure but don’t get too analytical and made ridiculous statements about your own neurobiological construct:
“My brain consist of passion (30%), brave(25%), creative idea (25%) , kind and honest(20%)”
CV Tip #127 (Brian wilson)
10 Dec“I play piano (badly) and guitar (less badly)”
Fucking brilliant. When can you start?
CV Tip #144 (NEETs)
9 DecThe covering letter is a sales tool for yourself, a pamphlet if you will, there to excite employers at the prospect of meeting you.
It is not a document for modesty (or stupidity):
“NO – I DON’T HAVE A DIRECT AND ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO APPLY FOR THIS POPSSITION
NO – I’M NOT A SPECIALIST IN COMAPRE TO JOB DESCRIPTION I’VE READ ON YOUR ADVERT
NO – I’M NOT A MANAGER, EXECUTIVE, HOD, BRAND OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF REVELANT PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO HIRE”
CV Tip #173 (The Holy Bable)
8 DecLet me say this once and for all; praying is not a hobby. It’s a deeply flawed and futile waste of time.
It’s also not worth stating on a CV, especially if you’re also demonstrating your total ineptness at writing English.
“I Enjoy Praying Jehovah God Yoroba Host, Watching TV Sport, News, Attending Bable Class,”
CV Tip #161 (Mr Moustache)
7 Dec“I have been known to grow moustaches for Movember.”
Brilliant. What a great attribute to put on a CV, the fact that you’ve sat there for one month in the year and not bothered to shave.
CV Tip #105 (Mr Motivator)
7 DecAlways remember that the CV is useful for a potential employer to decide whether you have the skills and experience to add value to the organisation.
Therefore, never put this line on a CV ever:
“I have helped a few of my friends become healthier and fitter.”
The Impossible (2012 dir. Juan Antonio Bayona)
29 NovWhites playing Hispanics get soaked in the pursuit of Oscar glory.
3/5
The Shock Doctrine (2009 dir. Michael Winterbottom)
25 NovSarah Palin look-a-like analyses broke Hispanics.
3/5
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