Spence judging Dancing on Ice: Voice of Daffy Duck appears on the worst TV show ever made

Spence: Annoying cuntmouth

The Ides of March (2011 dir. George Clooney)

Two bumbling assistant types work on different plans to remove oil baron from White House.

3/5

Tags: Film Reviews, Movies, United States, Movie Reviews, Hollywood, George Clooney, Film, Cinema, Humour, Pop Peelings, 2011, Ryan Gosling

No Strings Attached (2011 dir. Ivan Reitman)

Two irritants use Apple iPhones to organise fuck sessions.

2/5

Tags: 2011, Ashton Kutcher, Cinema, Comedy, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Ivan Reitman, Movie Reviews, Movies, Natalie Portman, Pop Peelings, United States

Vanilla Sky (2001 dir. Cameron Crowe)

Like a eutopian Matrix, with pastel colours and intercourse.

4/5

Tags: Film Reviews, Movies, United States, Hollywood, Film, Cinema, Tom Cruise, Humour, Science Fiction, Kurt Russell, Pop Peelings, 2001, Cameron Crowe

Moneyball (2011 dir. Bennett Miller)

Sports statistic montages sees lackluster sportsmen excel at rounders.

3/5

Tags: 2011, Baseball, Brad Pitt, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Jonah Hill, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, United States

Zayn Malik quits One Direction to finish his ‘Pet Sounds’

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Teenage girls across the nation were left in despair this weekend as the shocking announcement that Zayn Malik will be leaving One Direction was made, shaking the British pop industry to its very core.

Malik, 25, will finish a series of primary school concerts with ’1D’ in April this year, after which he is said to be ‘looking forward’ to locking himself away in complete isolation to work on his latest pop symphony.

The composer, who joined the group on one of the least-viewed seasons of X Factor in history, already had their first three albums written and arranged even before his first audition. He has stated creative differences along with frustration at having to perform the same mindrottingly awful music week in week out, as the reasons that tipped him over the edge to resign.

Despair: Bradford 1D fans cannot contain themselves

Malik’s forthcoming solo album, simply titled ‘Bradford’ after his home town, will feature a range of musical styles and arrangements from across the ages, encompassing everything from baroque classical to jazz fusion.

‘This is getting insiders quite excited,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s been several decades since British pop music produced a genuinely timeless masterpiece. This could be it.’

Malik has built a ‘shrine to Bradford’ in his home, much the same way as the Brian Wilson did for the beach when he went quite literally insane due to a decade of injesting powerful halucinajenic drugs. The One Direction star’s creation is shaping up to be quite different though.

A family member said ‘He’s got a genuine paving slab, still covered in dog sh*t and human vomit, from outside the Bacteria Grill in Bradford city center right in the middle of the living room.’

‘Next to his grand piano lies a pile of tissues drenched in human tears. In the corner there is even a rain machine.’

‘He is in talks with the local council to get a load of used needles and rat carcasses for decorating the orchestral suite as well.’

Malik: John Lennon of the iPhone generation?

The industry does not expect to hear much from Malik for several months, if not longer. However, many are convinced that the product of the young prodigy’s efforts will recreate accurately the pain, despair and overwhelming dread that comes with every waking moment of life in Bradford.

Thieves Like Us (1974 dir. Robert Altman)

Like a less wild Wild Bunch at the dawn of civilization/Coca Cola.

1/5

Tags: 1974, Cinema, Crime, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, Robert Altman, United States

Vivre Sa Vie (1962 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Director gives away spoilers twelve times in delightful tale of walking fuckseller.

4/5

Tags: 1962, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, French Film, French New Wave, Humour, Jean-Luc Godard, Movies, Pop Peelings, World Cinema

Kickboxer (1989 dir. Mark DiSalle & David Worth)

Inspirational 80s music montages equip vengeful Belgian with the skills to defeat girly-haired kickboxing champ in Karate Kid knock-off.

2/5

Tags: 1989, Action, Cinema, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kickboxing, Martial arts, Movie Reviews, Movies, Oneaday, Pop Peelings, United States

Au Hasard Balthazar (1966 dir. Robert Bresson)

Unfortunate ass demonstrates superior acting ability to savage rural types.

3/5

Tags: 1966, Cinema, Drama, Film Reviews, French Film, French New Wave, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, Robert Bresson

Network (1976 dir. Sidney Lumet)

In the rain, sharply-scripted thesps satiarise the awfulness of television.

4/5

Tags: 1976, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Peter Finch, Pop Peelings, Robert Duvall, Sidney Lumet, Television, United States, William Holden

Friends With Benefits (2011 dir. Will Gluck)

Casual fuck partners bond for life over Sony phones, Sony televisions and the Sony Playstation Move.

2/5

Tags: 2011, Cinema, Comedy, Film, Film Reviews, Friends With Benefits, Hollywood, Humour, Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Movie Reviews, Movies, PlayStation, Pop Peelings, Sony, United States, Will Gluck

Arsenic And Old Lace (1944 dir. Frank Capra)

Like Fawlty Towers‘ body episode, minus colour, with several more carcasses and screwball types.

3/5

Tags: 1944, Cary Grant, Cinema, Comedy, Film, Film Reviews, Frank Capra, Hollywood, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Oneaday, Pop Peelings, Screwball Comedy, United States

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

Tags: Brighton, ITV, London, Paddy McGuinness, Pop Peelings, Reality TV, Take Me Out

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992 dir. James Foley)

Class acting performances from all-star cast inspired by unreasonable sales targets.

3/5

Tags: 1992, Al Pacino, Alec Baldwin, Cinema, Drama, Ed Harris, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Kevin Spacey, Movie Reviews, Movies, Oneaday, Pop Peelings, United States

The Last Patrol (2000 dir. Sheldon Lettich)

Like a cheapo Mad Max, without fulfilling action quota.

1/5

Tags: 2000, Action, Cinema, Dolph Lundgren, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, United States

L’argent de Poche (Pocket Money) (1976 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Girly-haired lads bond over child abuse and tit-spotting in French Rear Window.

4/5

Tags: 1976, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, Francois Truffaut, French Cinema, French Film, French New Wave, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Oneaday, Pop Peelings

Two or Three Things I Know About Her (1967 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Whispering auteur condemns fuck-selling and consumerism before succumbing to product placement in final scene.

3/5

Tags: 1967, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, French Film, French New Wave, Humour, Jean-Luc Godard, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings

Apt Pupil (1998 dir. Bryan Singer)

Heartwarming coming of age thriller sees unlikable teen and unlikable German bond over genocide.

2/5

Tags: 1998, Bryan Singer, Cinema, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Ian McKellen, Movie Reviews, Movies, Nazi, Thriller, United States, WWII

Why We Fight (2005 dir. Eugene Jarecki)

Pleasant liberals quietly challenge imperialism and Frank Capra.

4/5

Tags: 2005, Cinema, Documentary, Film, Film Reviews, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, United States, War

Upcoming Adam Sandler Movies

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

No cinema would be complete without a few dozen Adam Sandler masterpieces to show during a year. 2012 promises to be one of the busiest in the Jewish comedian’s release schedule, and Pop Peelings is proud, no, honoured, to be bringing a sneak preview of upcoming titles.

Auteur: Adam Sandler anticipates another record year

*SPOILERS*

Christ on A Bike (March 2012)

Adam Sandler writes, directs, produces and stars in a light-hearted comedy depicting Jesus of Nazareth’s final days on Earth before being brutally killed. Playing Jesus himself, Sandler’s yarn shows the son of God befriending a Roman soldier, played by Seth Rogen.

Whilst the pair bond over a shared bicycle, which helps the soldier to lose weight and win over the the girl of his dreams in a side story, the film ends on a slight downer as Jesus is tortured relentlessly before being hammered into a giant wooden cross and left to rot in the baking sun. A longer sequel is currently being written by Judd Apatow for a summer 2015 release, depicting how Rogen’s now wife deals with his idiotic Jewish friends who are not as funny to be around as they think.

Climax: Jesus rides through Bethlehem

Fatman (May 2012)

Adam Sandler writes, directs and stars in the one film that’s as hotly anticipated amongst dorks as The Avengers Dark Knight Returns; a superhero parody. The first of it’s kind from Sandler, Fatman sees the Waterboy star depict a dangerously overweight insurance salesman that turns to a life fighting crime after his manager refuses to pay out after a massacre at a Californian mansion damages the walls of the house.

Whilst dressed in a Wal-Mart Batman costume, he uses his considerable bulk to apprehend villains, often with mildly amusing consequences. For example, one crook, played by Rob Schneider in a cameo role, gets completely wedged between Fatman’s butt crevice rendering himself unable to escape until the police arrive, during which time the pair engage in a bout of name-calling that lasts around seventeen minutes. This apparently had test audiences holding their sides with laughter.

A McDonald’s tie in promotion will launch with the McFatburger meal, essentially a triple quarter pounder washed down with a bucket of vanilla milkshake.

Satire: Sandler in full Fatman getup

James In 2015 (August 2012)

Starring Kevin James, Adam Sandler writes, directs and produces this low-key post-summer character portrait of two days in the life of the future Kevin James. With no work coming in, no girlfriend and existing in a one-bedroom apartment in the Bay Area, James will give a moving performance as a fridge-sized man at the very brink of total despair.

Sandler promises ‘real tears’ from his star, who will spend much of the movie watching old Saturday Night Live clips of him and his friends being occasionally mildly amusing in the 90s. A leaked trailer showed him sitting, watery-eyed, gazing up at a magestic Zookeeper poster adorned on the wall, longing for the life he once knew.

Workout: Prizing Kevin James from his mattress was a struggle during principle photography

Cheer Up (September 2012)

Adam Sandler writes, directs, produces and stars in this nostalgic tale that takes place in the weeks following 9/11. Sandler plays plucky but mentally disabled firefighter Kenny McGoldblum, a kilt-wearing Jew that gathers loved ones of the victims fatally crushed by 30,000 tonnes of steel and concrete in weekly ‘cheer up’ sessions, where he does silly things to evoke laughter, including a hilarious Scottish accent.

Will he be able to bring a smile to the faces of the heartbroken supporting cast by being mildly amusing on occasions? This is the tension that Dreamworks hopes will encourage movie goers to pay to see Cheer Up later this year.

Wreckage: Sandler's character surveys the wreckage of 9/11

Career Suicide (November 2012)

Finally, Adam Sandler writes, produces, directs and stars in a light-hearted melodramatic comedy rom-com chick flick. He and his wife, Sarah Jessica-Parker, have it all – health, wealth and an enviable house in the suburbs. When they are both made redundant from high powered jobs due to the global recession, they are forced to do something they have not done since the early days of their relationship; spend time together.

When they realise, through a series of mildly amusing skits, that they have grown apart, they look to take part in a joint suicide, rather than bring shame on their respective families by going through a messy divorce.

Jonah Hill will star as the lovable spoilt kid caught in the middle.

Fat: Jonah Hill

Tags: Adam Sandler, Jesus, Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Saturday Night Live, Seth Rogen

Mouchette (1967 dir. Robert Bresson)

Mud-slinger regrets fuckfest with epileptic.

3/5

Tags: 1967, Cinema, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, French Film, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, Robert Bresson

Oldboy (2003 dir. Chan-wook Park)

Shaggy-haired slugger accidentally has curious family reunion.

4/5

Tags: 2003, Cinema, Film, Humour, Korean Film, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, World Cinema

Cedar Rapids (2011 dir. Miguel Arteta)

Midwest insurance seller succumbs to alcohol and swimming in gripping character arc.

3/5

Tags: 2011, Cinema, Comedy, Film, Film Reviews, Hollywood, Humour, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, United States

Melancholia (2011 dir. Lars von Trier)

Pale bride lures planet to destroy Earth with her wonderful baps.

4/5

Tags: 2011, Cinema, Danish Film, Drama, Film, Film Reviews, Humour, Kiefer Sutherland, Kirsten Dunst, Lara von Trier, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, United States

Battle Royale (2000 dir. Kinji Fukasaku)

Grange Hill meets Jurassic Park under Tory social policy.

3/5

Tags: 2000, Action, Cinema, Film, Film Reviews, Humour, Japanese Film, Movie Reviews, Movies, Pop Peelings, World Cinema